Your NewsThump Daily Briefing for Tue, 07 Feb

This is your daily summary of the topical jokes and stories on NewsThump.com [View this email in your browser]( [NewsThump Daily Briefing Header]( Hello from NewsThump! Below you will find the top stories on our site for today Tue, 07 Feb, we hope they provide you with a few fleeting moments of respite from the calamity continually unfolding around us. Thanks again for subscribing! [Millennials the last generation to suffer the horror of buying rubber johnnies from a human]( The horrifying art of looking a cashier in the eye as they scan through a packet of three condoms is set to die with the millennials. [Read more »]( [Baldrick named as Minister for Cunning Plans]( Rishi Sunak has made a new addition to his cabinet as part of today's mini reshuffle. [Read more »]( [NHS waiting lists disappear overnight after the government suddenly remembers the 40 new hospitals they built]( The NHS waiting list crisis has today been declared over after officials suddenly remembered the forty new hospitals they had built since the last general election. [Read more »]( [Bank of England announces relocation to Dubai and purchase of orange Lamborghinis to launch “Britcoin”]( To counter accusations that the Bank of England is overseeing a slow managed decline of the UK’s wealth, Treasury officials have announced that they will give the UK’s economy the same cachet and trustworthiness as cryptocurrencies flogged in ads by shirtless weightlifters smoking cigars on yachts. [Read more »]( [BP doubling profits to £23bn during an energy crisis is just further proof that privatisation works, insists government]( The government has reacted to BP making a £23 billion annual profit in 2022 in the midst of an energy crisis by insisting it is just further proof that privatising essential state-owned services works really well. [Read more »]( [Man running 30 minutes on the treadmill without spitting, surprisingly unable to run 30 seconds on the road without spitting]( A man who quite easily managed to run 30 full minutes on a treadmill at the gym without spitting, was surprisingly still unable to run 30 seconds on the road without spitting earlier it is revealed. [Read more »]( [Prime Minister to arrest slump in country’s morale by farting the national anthem on The One Show]( In a bold attempt to halt the devastating slump of the country’s morale, Prime Minister Rishi Sunak will fart the national anthem live on The One Show. [Read more »]( [A selection of NewsThump T-shirt designs]( Have you checked out the latest NewsThump T-shirts? Click the image to see the full range! Copyright © 2023 Thump Publishing Limited, All rights reserved. You are receiving this email because you asked us to send you a daily summary of NewsThump's headlines. A wise choice, may we add. Our mailing address is: Thump Publishing Limited 40 Caversham RoadReading, Berkshire RG1 7BT United Kingdom [Add us to your address book]( Want to change how you receive these emails? You can [update your preferences]( or [unsubscribe from this list](. [Mailchimp Email Marketing](