Domestic abuse: we need to have a convo about it

Marilyn Manson, Shia LaBeouf, Octavian... the list goes on [Highsnobiety]( [Highsnobiety]( MEN, WE NEED TO HAVE A CONVERSATION ABOUT DOMESTIC ABUSE Warning: This newsletter contains details of domestic abuse and may be triggering. Marilyn Manson, Shia LaBeouf, Octavian. In the last few weeks, these famous names have all been accused of domestic abuse by their previous partners. They join an ever-growing list of domestic abuse cases, which [have spiked]( globally over the last year as a result of Covid-19 lockdowns. Abuse can take a number of forms, but there are two overarching themes in many of the reported cases: the abuser is often a man and the stories are broken by the women, the victims. This needs to change. Men need to stand up and speak out against abuse, especially when they are aware of instances within their own circles. We need to start taking accountability and it needs to start now. We need to relearn our involvement in normalizing abuse and the situations that can lead to it. That change starts with a conversation, so here it goes. ● What is domestic abuse? There are a number of behavioral traits and patterns that constitute abuse, and it’s essential that we all learn what they are. The charity [Refuge]( is a good place to start; the site outlines the following introduction to recognizing abuse: “Violence against women and girls is rooted in inequality between the sexes. Domestic violence describes any abuse that is used by someone to control or obtain power over their partner. It can include physical, sexual, psychological, verbal, emotional, and financial abuse. Non-physical forms of abuse can be as destructive and as undermining as physical violence.” [Highsnobiety] [Highsnobiety] We also need to bring up [gaslighting]( a form of manipulation that makes the victim question their perception of reality and memory of the abuse. It’s a system of grinding people down emotionally while making you feel superior — a cruel facade used to shift blame and shame, to gain control, and avoid addressing our own triggers. [Highsnobiety]( ● Silence makes you complicit Take a minute to mull over past incidents, of moments that could have set off alarm bells but were shrugged off with excuses like, “I’m staying out of this, it’s none of my business.” How many times have you recognized troubling behavior and not said anything? It’s not a fun reality to face, but the fact is that when we don’t call it out or intervene, we are complicit. We are choosing to allow the behavior to continue. It’s also important to understand the gender codes (“boys will be boys”) that are embedded in culture and serve as an easy excuse. Take violence, for example, which is attributed to male hormones, as though using fists is a biological aspect of masculinity. At best, that mindset is extremely primitive. [Studies suggest]( violence is a learned behavior — and anything that is learned can be unlearned, right? [Highsnobiety]( That unlearning needs to happen en masse. If this “learned behavior” is a result of men learning from other men, then men must work collectively to first unlearn and then re-code a new way of behaving. That involves guiding one another, teaching, and calling shady acts out when we see them and holding each other accountable. [Highsnobiety]( Part of this un-and-re-learning will involve addressing the archaic stigmas concerning men communicating emotions. It’s rare that we disclose feelings and trauma, and for some men, silence leads to bottling our shit up until it pours out of us, toxic. But only men can be blamed for toxic masculinity and all that comes with it, so it’s up to us to initiate the conversations, however difficult or awkward they may be. It is not the job of women to do that. [read rhys' full piece]( The pandemic and subsequent stay-at-home regulations have led to an increase in domestic violence. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, contact the [National Domestic Violence Hotline]( (US) and [National Domestic Abuse Helpline]( (UK) to find out how to get help. You are not alone.⁠[Like on Facebook]( [Follow on Instagram]( [Add on Snapchat]( [Follow on Twitter]( [Subscribe on YouTube]( [Follow on Pinterest]( You are receiving this email because you opted in at our website: [{EMAIL}](. You can [unsubscribe from the list]( or [manage your subscription preferences](. © 2021 Highsnobiety Highsnobiety / Titel Media GmbH, Genthiner Str. 32-34, 10785 Berlin Germany