A Father’s Letter to His Son After Suicide

I never imagined I’d be writing this letter to you now. [View in Browser]( [Esquire Sunday Reads]( [Forever Trying to Rescue You]( Forever Trying to Rescue You Dear Rob, I love you, Dad. Those are the last words you said to me the day before you killed yourself. They’re also the last words you said to me in the first letter I wrote to you in this magazine, 24 years ago. Back then you were “Robbie” and I was “Daddy,” and I never thought I could possibly love you more than I did. Then again, I never imagined I’d be writing this letter to you now. At least, not consciously. But down deep, I came to fear this day would come. On some level, I felt that, no matter how hard I tried, there was nothing I could do to stop it. The letter I wrote when you were seven was about how I hadn’t wanted to adopt you—it was Mom’s idea—and how that feeling vanished the moment I first saw your beautiful face. This letter is about another kind of feeling, one that will never vanish. [Read the Full Story]( [MORE FROM ESQUIRE]( [Social Media CEOs Were Once the Rockstars Of Their Generation]( Social Media CEOs Were Once the Rockstars Of Their Generation When the AI-powered chatbots chronicle the history of the social media era, they will note that the myth of the Genius Social Platform CEO died on December 11, 2022, not with a data center outage or a violent mob spurred on by a Tweet or sweeping government regulation, but onstage at a comedy show. It was at San Francisco’s Chase Arena, to be precise, where comedian Dave Chappelle asked his audience to “make some noise for the richest man in the world,” aka Elon Musk, who subsequently stepped onto the stage. And noise they did make, though not the kind that Musk was expecting. This, after all, was San Francisco, the cradle of tech innovation, land of the creators and the disruptors who move fast and break things, the home of Twitter Inc., which Musk had recently purchased for $44 billion. And there he was, standing before an audience he considered to be his people: mostly alpha bros who enjoy transphobic, antisemitic, misogynistic “jokes.” And yet, there was no denying that they were booing. [Read the Full Story]( [Filson's Mackinaw Cruiser Will Last You a Lifetime]( Filson's Mackinaw Cruiser Will Last You a Lifetime Not quite a century. Not quite. Filson's Mackinaw Cruiser has been on the market in an official capacity for 99 years, the first patent for it being filed in 1914. Back then, it was called the Wool Cruising Shirt. It was offered as a pullover as well as a button front, and it was a massive hit. Hunters loved it—the now-iconic red-and-black plaid was one of the first hi-vis offerings out there—as did pretty much everyone else who spent time outdoors when the weather wasn't exactly accommodating. It even became a part of the U.S. Forest Service uniform, about as ringing an endorsement as a piece of rugged outerwear could ever hope for. There's more, of course, but I won't get into all that right now. The point is: The Mackinaw has some real history behind it. And seeing as it's still going strong to this day, knowing a bit about its long legacy may help you understand its staying power. But even if you're not in the mood to delve into the past, this jacket still deserves your careful consideration—and a place in your closet. Here's why. [Read the Full Story]( [A Good NA Beer is No Longer a Hard Thing to Find]( A Good NA Beer is No Longer a Hard Thing to Find Will I ever stop drinking booze? Probably not. But have I dabbled in not drinking for various periods of time? Definitely. In the thick of the pandemic, I decided to pump the breaks on the regular cadence of negronis and hazy IPAS and champagne to reassess my relationship with drinking. That meant taking a few days off here and there, sometimes a week or two, sometimes over a month. I slowly became much more selective about what I drank and where– I stopped reaching for a drink at the end of the day out of habit. And I had far less of a tolerance for drinks that weren’t exceptional. Random pinot grigio at a corporate reception? No thanks. The big revelation for me during this time was that many NA beers were actually very good. Like, I would buy them by the case, good. There was a time not too long ago when they all tasted like industrial macro beer gone bad–barely tolerable even when ice cold.Initially I would enjoy NA beers on days that I wouldn’t imbibe, but as I started to discover that I actually, truly enjoyed them, I decided to incorporate them on nights that I would imbibe. Instead of an aperitivo before a meal or ending the night with an espresso martini, I’d get an NA beer. Instead of drinking two regular beers over the course of a burger night with friends, I’d make one an NA. And I’d feel that much better the next morning. This is all to say that, NA beers aren’t just for those who have chosen to be sober. They’re enjoyable no matter what kind of imbiber you are. [Read the Full Story]( ['Dialed In' With Nick Sullivan: Your Video Guide to Square Watches]( 'Dialed In' With Nick Sullivan: Your Video Guide to Square Watches Square or rectangular shapes have been around since the dawn of the wristwatch, yet they remain something of an anomaly compared to the overwhelmingly dominant circular timepiece. Still, here at Esquire, we would argue there’s always a spot in your watch collection—and on your wrist—for one. They're different. They're elegant. And they're exactly what you need to liven things up from time to time. Speaking of livening things up: This week, Cartier unveiled its new take on a watch first launched in the 1990s: the Tank Francaise, the first Cartier Tank to come with an integrated metal bracelet. And while, thanks in no small part to the introduction of the original Louis Cartier Tank in 1917, one often thinks of Art Deco aesthetics when it comes to square and rectangular watches, modern versions run the gamut. There are big, burly, muscular ones and petite ones that take as much, if not more, gusto to wear. In the latest episode of "Dialed In," we put watches from Seiko, Nomos Glashutte, Bell & Ross, and Jaeger LeCoultre—plus that brand new Cartier—through their paces. [Read the Full Story]( [I Let My Boyfriend Dress Me For an Entire Year]( I Let My Boyfriend Dress Me For an Entire Year About a year ago, I turned to the man I had just started dating, and as one so often does at the beginning of a relationship, I said something completely insane. “You have such great taste. Do you want to give me tips for dressing better?” Perhaps asking your lover to do something most succinctly referred to as “Kim and Kanye-ing” you is an obvious mistake. But it was true—my sweetheart did have great taste. He cared about what he wore and knew how to sew. He owned Gucci shoes, Dries Van Noten Shirts, and Missoni towels nicer than most of my clothes. He was a working artist described by one gallery as the “Master of Color,” whereas I could not be trusted to judge if any two colors go together, unless those colors were “black” and “slightly lighter black.” When I told a female friend about my sweetheart’s sartorial style and his impeccably decorated house, my friend remarked that his taste probably rubbed off from his ex-girlfriend. “It’s the opposite, actually,” he told me when I repeated the theory. “She got her style from me.” [Read the Full Story]( Follow Us [Unsubscribe]( | [Privacy Notice/Notice at Collection]( esquire.com ©2023 Hearst Magazine Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Hearst Magazines, 300 West 57th Street, New York, NY 10019