How (not) to love, or, unbreaking our hearts by breaking our patterns; Ursula K. Le Guin's love-poem to life, death, and trees; the art of solitude

NOTE: This newsletter might be cut short by your email program.[View it in full](.  If a friend forwarded it to you and you'd like your very own newsletter, [subscribe here]( — it's free.  Need to modify your subscription? You can [change your email address]( or [unsubscribe](. [The Marginalian]( [Welcome] Hello {NAME}! This is the weekly email digest of Maria Popova's daily writings on [The Marginalian]( (which [bore the unbearable name Brain Pickings]( for its first fifteen years). If you missed last week's edition — Alain de Botton on the importance of breakdowns, Thich Nhat Hanh on deep listening and the 3 Buddhist steps to repairing relationships, and more — you can catch up [right here](. If you missed my very personal essay about the name-change, that is [here]( — please do read it, and please be tender. And if my labor of love enriches your life in any way, please consider supporting it with a [donation]( — it remains free and ad-free and alive thanks to reader patronage. If you already donate: THANK YOU. [Kinship: Ursula K. Le Guin’s Love Poem to Trees, the Interleaving of Life and Death, and the Eternal Flame of Being]( I have been thinking a great deal about growth — what it means, what it asks of us, how it feels when unforced but organic. I have been thinking about growth and decay, the interplay between the two, the way all growth requires regeneration, which in turn requires a shedding, a composting, a reconstituting of old material. We don’t always know what needs to be shed, or what the optimal direction of growth is. This is where the [“blind optimism”]( of a tree is helpful — there is consolation in trusting the quiet workings of chemistry and the primal instinct for orienting to the light. Ever/After by Maria Popova. (Available [as a print]( I have been thinking about growth and decay while walking long bundled hours in an old-growth forest. The forest, with its colossal trees [that have been part-dead]( since their saplinghood centuries ago and are at the same time [potentially immortal](. The forest, with its ceaseless syncopation of generation and decomposition that composes the pulse-beat of total aliveness. The forest, this place of constant change that feels somehow atemporal, an everlasting Yes! to life echoed by an ungrudging and vibrant Yes! to death — a place where one feels most intimately the elemental yet counterintuitive fact that death is not the assailant of life but [the ultimate consecration of its lucky possibility](. This might be why we [see ourselves so readily in trees]( why we [find in them our greatest lessons]( and [the deepest truths about love](. Walt Whitman saw in them models for [the highest measure of authenticity]( and why he, in consequence, celebrated [the friend he most loved]( as “true, honest; beautiful as a tree is tall, leafy, rich, full, free… [she] is a tree.” Whitman, who two centuries ago declared himself to “know the amplitude of time” and “laugh at what you call dissolution.” Whitman, whose atoms now belong to some mycelial wonder pushing up the leaves of cemetery grass and nourishing the roots of the two towering trees that stand sentinel on either side of his tomb, trees that were saplings when he laughed out of life. Little Painting of Fir-Trees, 1922, by Paul Klee, who believed that [an artist is like a tree](. (Available [as a print]( and [a face mask]( While thinking about life and death and poetry in an old-growth forest, I thought of this immortal line: “The word for world is forest” — the title of a novella by Ursula K. Le Guin (October 21, 1929–January 22, 2018). I thought of the short, stunning tree-poem she wrote at the end of her life, originally published on the pages of [Orion Magazine]( and recently included, fittingly, in [Old Growth]( — their splendid anthology of sylvan literature from the magazine’s decades-deep archive. Here it is, brought tenderly to life by my tree-loving, poetry-loving, life-and-death-loving friend and kindred spirit [Amanda Palmer]( to which I have added the perfect sonic companionship of an old recording of Bach’s Organ Concerto in D Minor. KINSHIP by Ursula K. Le Guin Very slowly burning, the big forest tree stands in the slight hollow of the snow melted around it by the mild, long heat of its being and its will to be root, trunk, branch, leaf, and know earth dark, sun light, wind touch, bird song. Rootless and restless and warmblooded, we blaze in the flare that blinds us to that slow, tall, fraternal fire of life as strong now as in the seedling two centuries ago. Complement with Amanda reading [“When I Am Among the Trees”]( by Mary Oliver and poet Jane Hirshfield reading [“Today, Another Universe”]( — her kindred take on the life and death of a single tree — then revisit Le Guin on [anger]( [the magic of real human conversation]( [the meaning of loyalty]( [getting to the other side of suffering]( and her timeless [“Hymn to Time.”]( [Forward to a friend]( Online]( on Facebook]( donating=loving For a decade and half, I have been spending hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars each month composing The Marginalian ([formerly Brain Pickings](. It has remained free and ad-free and alive thanks to patronage from readers. I have no staff, no interns, no assistant — a thoroughly one-woman labor of love that is also my life and my livelihood. If this labor makes your own life more livable in any way, please consider lending a helping hand. Your support makes all the difference. monthly donation You can become a Sustaining Patron with a recurring monthly donation of your choosing, between a cup of tea and a Brooklyn lunch.  one-time donation Or you can become a Spontaneous Supporter with a one-time donation in any amount. [Start Now]( [Give Now]( Partial to Bitcoin? You can beam some bit-love my way: 197usDS6AsL9wDKxtGM6xaWjmR5ejgqem7 Need to cancel an existing donation? (It's okay — life changes course. I treasure your kindness and appreciate your support for as long as it lasted.) You can do so [on this page](. [The Art of Solitude: Buddhist Scholar and Teacher Stephen Batchelor on Contemplative Practice and Creativity]( “Give me solitude,” Whitman demanded in his [ode to the eternal tension between city and soul]( “give me again O Nature your primal sanities!” In those primal sanities, we come to discover that “there is no place more intimate than the spirit alone,” as May Sarton wrote in her stunning 1938 [ode to solitude]( — her hard-earned testimony to [solitude as the seedbed of self-discovery]( for it is in that intimate place that we see most clearly what our animating spirit is made of. Solitude, Kahlil Gibran knew, summons of us [the courage to know ourselves](. Elizabeth Bishop believed — a belief I can attest to with my own life — that [everyone must experience at least one long period of solitude in life]( in order to know what we are made of and what we can make of our gifts. “There is only one solitude, and it is large and not easy to bear,” Rilke wrote in contemplating [the relationship between solitude, love, and creativity]( “but… we must hold ourselves to the difficult.” The visionary poets knew — as do [the visionaries of scientist]( as do all persons engaged in lives of creativity or contemplation, which are often one life — how this solitary self-discovery becomes the wellspring of all the meaning-making that makes life worth living, whether we call it art or love. From solitude’s promontory, we peer out into the expanse of existence and train our eyes to look with wide-eyed wonder at the improbable fact of it all. Solitude, so conceived, is not merely the state of being alone but the art of becoming fully ourselves — an art acquired, like every art, by apprenticeship and painstaking devotion to dwelling in the often lonesome inner light of our singular and sovereign being. Solitude by Maria Popova. (Available [as a print]( Its mastery, delicate and difficult, is what the Buddhist scholar and teacher Stephen Batchelor explores in [The Art of Solitude]( ([public library](. Celebrating solitude — not the escapist privilege of it but the practice of it against the real world’s pressures — as “a site of autonomy, wonder, contemplation, imagination, inspiration, and care,” he writes: True solitude is a way of being that needs to be cultivated. You cannot switch it on or off at will. Solitude is an art. Mental training is needed to refine and stabilize it. When you practice solitude, you dedicate yourself to the care of the soul. Nearly forty years after he first began bridging Western phenomenology and existentialism with Buddhist precepts in his 1983 book [Alone with Others: An Existential Approach to Buddhism]( Batchelor draws on a lifetime of solitude-mastery — directly, through his own contemplative practice and multiple silent retreats, and indirectly, through his immersion in the lives and works of centuries of solitude-virtuosi ranging from Montaigne to Nietzsche to Ingmar Bergman — to formulate the essence of the inquiry, at once elemental and embodied, at the heart of the art of solitude: Don’t expect anything to happen. Just wait. This waiting is a deep acceptance of the moment as such. Nietzsche called it amor fati — unquestioning love of whatever has fated you to be here. You reach a point where you’re just sitting there, asking, “What is this?” — but with no interest in an answer. The longing for an answer compromises the potency of the question. Can you be satisfied to rest in this puzzlement, this perplexity, in a deeply focused and embodied way? Just waiting without any expectations? Ask “What is this?,” then open yourself completely to what you “hear” in the silence that follows. Be open to this question in the same way as you would listen to a piece of music. Pay total attention to the polyphony of the birds and wind outside, the occasional plane that flies overhead, the patter of rain on a window. Listen carefully, and notice how listening is not just an opening of the mind but an opening of the heart, a vital concern or care for the world, the source of what we call compassion or love. Illustration by Maurice Sendak from [Open House for Butterflies]( by Ruth Krauss. Echoing Rachel Carson’s trust in [the loneliness of creative work]( — a byproduct of the solitude necessary for creative work, natural and needed, often terrifying and always clarifying — Batchelor adds: To be alone at your desk or in your studio is not enough. You have to free yourself from the phantoms and inner critics who pursue you wherever you go. “When you start working,” said the composer John Cage, “everybody is in your studio — the past, your friends, enemies, the art world, and above all, your own ideas — all are there. But as you continue painting, they start leaving, one by one, and you are left completely alone. Then, if you are lucky, even you leave.” […] Having shut the door, you find yourself alone before a canvas, a sheet of paper, a lump of clay, a computer screen. Other tools and materials lie around, close at hand, waiting to be used. You resume your silent conversation with the work. This is a two-way process: you create the work and then you respond to it. The work can inspire, surprise, and shock you… The solitary act of making art involves intense, wordless dialogue. Art by Margaret Cook from a rare 1913 edition of Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass. (Available [as a print]( Drawing a link between the Buddhist notion of nirvana and Keats’s notion of [“negative capability”]( — that spacious willingness to negate the pull of attachments, reactivities, and fixities, to live with mystery and embrace uncertainty — Batchelor observes that contemplative practice trains the ability to see each moment as a chance to start anew, to savor life as ongoing, unfixed, ever-changing and ever capable of being changed. He considers the essential building blocks and ultimate rewards of contemplative practice: To integrate contemplative practice into life requires more than becoming proficient in techniques of meditation. It entails the cultivation and refinement of a sensibility about the totality of your existence—from intimate moments of personal anguish to the endless suffering of the world. This sensibility encompasses a range of skills: mindfulness, curiosity, understanding, collectedness, compassion, equanimity, care. Each of these can be cultivated and refined in solitude but has little value if it cannot survive the fraught encounter with others. Never be complacent about contemplative practice; it is always a work in progress. The world is here to surprise us. My most lasting insights have occurred off the cushion, not on it. One of Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s [original watercolors]( for The Little Prince. In consonance with poet and philosopher Wendell Berry’s life-tested belief that [“true solitude is found in the wild places,”]( where one is without human obligation,” where “one’s inner voices become audible [and,] in consequence, one responds more clearly to other lives,” Batchelor adds: By withdrawing from the world into solitude, you separate yourself from others. By isolating yourself, you can see more clearly what distinguishes you from other people. Standing out in this way serves to affirm your existence (ex-[out] + sistere [stand]). Liberated from social pressures and constraints, solitude can help you understand better what kind of person you are and what your life is for. In this way you become independent of others. You find your own path, your own voice. […] Here lies the paradox of solitude. Look long and hard enough at yourself in isolation and suddenly you will see the rest of humanity staring back. Sustained aloneness brings you to a tipping point where the pendulum of life returns you to others. Complement [The Art of Solitude]( with Hermann Hesse on [solitude, hardship, and destiny]( then savor Batchelor’s spacious [On Being conversation]( with Krista Tippett. [Forward to a friend]( Online]( on Facebook]( [How (Not) to Love: Unbreaking Our Hearts by Breaking Our Patterns, or, Chekhov’s Insight into the Most Disquieting and Liberating Truth about Love]( While it is true, as generations of psychologists have found, that “who we are and who we become depends, in part, on whom we love” — a process known as [limbic revision]( — it is also true, as generations of self-aware humans have found, that whom we love depends in large part on who we already are. Our original wounds, our formative attachments, our patterned longings all shape how we engage with those we have chosen to love, to the extent that we are choosing them at all. “People can’t, unhappily, invent their mooring posts, their lovers and their friends, anymore than they can invent their parents,” James {NAME} astutely observed in contemplating [the paradox of freedom](. “Life gives these and also takes them away and the great difficulty is to say Yes to life.” The great difficulty, too, is how easily those life-expanding Yeses that can open larger vistas of possibility come fear-concealed as Nos, or how those life-preserving Nos that keep us from entering into experiences too damaging or too small for us bear the momentum of pre-conditioned Yeses. And so we project who we are and what we need onto those we love, and find in them reflections of who we long to be or fear we might be, swarming them and swarming ourselves in all the blooming buzzing confusion of our unmet needs. Illustration by Margaret C. Cook for a [rare 1913 edition]( of Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass. (Available [as a print]( This is not to demean and diminish love as a mere process of projection — Stendhal’s [seven-stage delusion of crystallization and decrystallization]( — or a mere process of reflection — Ortega’s insightful but limited and limiting theory of [what our lovers reveal about us]( — but to honor the elemental fact that each relationship is not between two people, but between three: the two partners, each with their pre-existing patterns of love and loss, and the third presence of the relationship itself — an intersubjective co-creation that becomes the third partner, endowed with the power to deepen those patters, or to change them. The great peril and great possibility of every love is that this third partner can be a rewounder masquerading as a healer, and equally a healer in disguise, masked beyond recognition by our own patterned way of seeing. So much of our suffering springs from this confusion and so much of our sanity is redeemed when at last we shed our own blinding masks and come to kneel at the fount of clarity. That is what George Saunders explores in his immensely insightful and sensitive annotated reading of Chekhov’s short story “The Darling” — one of the seven classic Russian short stories he examines as “seven fastidiously constructed scale models of the world” in [A Swim in a Pond in the Rain: In Which Four Russians Give a Master Class on Writing, Reading, and Life]( ([public library]( using each as a portable laboratory for [the key to great storytelling](. Art by Margaret C. Cook for [Leaves of Grass](. (Available [as a print]( After a beautiful translation of “The Darling” — a story about a woman who loves four very different people the same patterned way, the only way she knows how, which has entirely to do with her learned understanding of love and nothing to do with its objects, and so she suffers greatly when each of these loves leaves her in the same lonely place; a story the essence of which Saunders captures perfectly as being “about a tendency, present in all of us, to misunderstand love as ‘complete absorption in,’ rather than ‘in full communication with'” — he pauses to marvel at Chekhov’s subtlety in challenging our reflex toward lazy binaries, his mastery in training our muscle of ambiguity, uncertainty, and nuance — which is, of course, the only we grasp and savor the full Yes of life. Saunders writes: We see Olenka’s mode of loving, from one angle, as a beautiful thing: in that mode, the self disappears and all that remains is affectionate, altruistic regard for the beloved. From another angle, we see it as a terrible thing, the undiscriminating application of her one-note form of love robbing love of its particularity: Olenka, love dullard, vampirically feeding upon whomever she designates as her beloved. We see this mode of loving as powerful, single-pointed, pure, answering all questions with its unwavering generosity. We see it as weak: her true, autonomous self is nowhere to be found as she molds herself into the image of whatever male happens to be near her (unless he’s a cat). This puts us in an interesting state of mind. We don’t exactly know what to think of Olenka. Or, feeling so multiply about her, we don’t know how to judge her. The story seems to be asking, “Is this trait of hers good or bad?” Chekhov answers: “Yes.” Elemental by Maria Popova. (Available as [a print]( and as a [face mask]( The story, like every great work of fiction, becomes a mirror for reflection on the most intimate realities of life. Saunders writes: We want to believe that love is singular and exclusive, and it unnerves us to think that it might actually be renewable and somewhat repetitive in its habits. Would your current partner ever call his or her new partner by the same pet name he/she uses for you, once you are dead and buried? Well, why not? There are only so many pet names. Why should that bother you? Well, because you believe it is you, in particular, who is loved (that is why dear Ed calls you “honey-bunny”), but no: love just is, and you happened to be in the path of it. When, dead and hovering above Ed, you hear him call that rat Beth, your former friend, “honey-bunny,” as she absentmindedly puts her traitorous finger into his belt loop, you, in spirit form, are going to think somewhat less of Ed, and of Beth, and maybe of love itself. Or will you? Maybe you won’t. Because don’t we all do some version of this, when in love? When your lover dies or leaves you, there you are, still yourself, with your particular way of loving. And there is the world, still full of people to love. [Forward to a friend]( Online]( on Facebook]( donating=loving For a decade and half, I have been spending hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars each month composing The Marginalian ([formerly Brain Pickings](. It has remained free and ad-free and alive thanks to patronage from readers. I have no staff, no interns, no assistant — a thoroughly one-woman labor of love that is also my life and my livelihood. If this labor makes your own life more livable in any way, please consider lending a helping hand. Your support makes all the difference. monthly donation You can become a Sustaining Patron with a recurring monthly donation of your choosing, between a cup of tea and a Brooklyn lunch.  one-time donation Or you can become a Spontaneous Supporter with a one-time donation in any amount. [Start Now]( [Give Now]( Partial to Bitcoin? You can beam some bit-love my way: 197usDS6AsL9wDKxtGM6xaWjmR5ejgqem7 Need to cancel an existing donation? (It's okay — life changes course. I treasure your kindness and appreciate your support for as long as it lasted.) You can do so [on this page](. A SMALL, DELIGHTFUL SIDE PROJECT: [Vintage Science Face Masks Benefiting the Nature Conservancy (New Designs Added)]( [vintagesciencefacemasks.jpg]( AND: I WROTE A CHILDREN’S BOOK ABOUT SCIENCE AND LOVE [The Snail with the Right Heart: A True Story]( [---]( You're receiving this email because you subscribed on TheMarginalian.org (formerly BrainPickings.org). 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