Happy New Year! Let’s argue about garlic

Unnecessary family food feuds from the long holiday break. [View this email in your browser]( [Bon Appétit Newsletter Banner Pink]( 2019 seems okay so far Happy New Year! I hope your holiday was full of sleep, accurate shipping dates, library books, and new socks. Since it’s been a rough week back—Amiel Stanek attempted to clean his desk and ended up spilling stale wine on the office carpet—let’s dedicate this fluffy newsletter to all of the unnecessary food feuds we had with our families over the holiday break. Best read while sipping [this dry January not-cocktail,]( pictured above. “My mom didn’t talk to me for an ENTIRE DAY because I wouldn’t let her buy bottled salad dressing and pre-minced garlic. She had a wedge salad vision, and I wasn’t having it.” —Emily Schultz “The pre-minced garlic thing happened at my house too,” said Alex Delany, “I was making shrimp scampi on Christmas Eve and when the only garlic in the house was a jar of minced stuff, I went to the store. ‘You can’t leave the house on CHRISTMAS EVE,’ said my mom. But I did. I brought back a ton of fresh garlic and flowers for her. She wasn’t mad anymore.” “Oh me too,” said Jesse Sparks. “My mom tried to get a jar of pre-minced garlic; we had a stare down in the aisle of Costco. But I walked out with like, 40 pounds of fresh garlic—victorious. She said, ‘You’re my bougie child.’” “Because my dad gets a free turkey around Christmas, we have it for both Thanksgiving and Christmas,” sighed Alyse Whitney. “It’s too much! I hate it! And he doesn’t eat the turkey skin, so he doesn’t care if it’s crispy.” “No feuds,” said Sasha Levine. “So you’re saying you have bigger problems?” I asked. She laughed, which I think means YES. Good luck out there, Sasha! “Two of my aunts argued about who would make the mashed potatoes,” said Hilary Cadigan, shaking her head. “They both claimed to have already bought the potatoes, but when one said she’d already BOILED them, three days before Christmas, she won.” “We had a big fight with my dad,” said Anna Stockwell, whose pop prefers one big holiday dinner a season, only Christmas Eve. “That meant we had sandwiches for Christmas dinner.” A family meeting was called, grievances were aired, and next year, they’re having two big dinners. “I was with my boyfriend,” said Andy Baraghani, “but don’t worry, we fought.” They were in Cuba, where the rum was flowing, “but I told him no more rum—that sugar doesn’t make you more sweet.” Put that in a Christmas card and ship it! “I cooked Christmas Eve dinner, so NO ONE complained,” said Brad Leone, too loudly. “I made a five-bone rib roast, smoked chum salmon—high fat content, really nice, look it up—a yuzu kosho mignonette for some oysters, caviar on tater tots. Except for my kid, I had to make white rice. That’s all he ate.” Chris Morocco feuded with his kiddos too. “Finn disappears under the table, at Christmas dinner, in restaurants—we’ll find him under there, eating crumbs,” he said with one ear on the phone, on hold. “But I guess it’s a good thing, if it keeps him from bothering his brother. He does it in the car too. We’ll find him on the floor, eating old Cheddar Bunnies.” “My dad is a big pinot noir guy,” said Rachel Karten, “it’s ALL he drinks, and he makes fun of me for liking natural wines. But we had a Martha Stoumen wine at dinner that won him over. It was a breakthrough!” “We feuded over pizza,” said Liesel Davis. “Some family members want fancy pizza, some want Little Caesars. So we got both.” Congress, take notes! “For some reason my brother bought two smoked turkeys, which my mom hates,” said Jill Baughman, “we covered it in gravy.” Amiel’s family uses the screened-in porch as a second fridge over the holidays, but it causes his dad to become a part-time passive aggressive weatherman. “I’ll try and put something out there and he’ll say, ‘it’s going to get to 46 today!’ Dad, it’s just beans. If you get sick, go ahead, blame me. But you won’t.” “I don’t have that kind of family,” said Julia Kramer, “So I’ll jot you down as ‘has bigger problems’ then?” I asked. I think her quick walk away from me said YES. “My mom makes Sunset Magazine’s [cowboy caviar]( every year, but she uses 10 avocados instead of one, and a whole head of garlic instead of one clove,” said Elyse Inamine. “I had to mince all of that garlic, but she said my minces were too small and my dices were too big.” “I think our parents like to use us as an excuse to indulge their bad sides,” surmised Amanda Shapiro. “Mine like to eat Christmas cookies after every meal: breakfast, lunch, dinner. And they give me shaming looks if I don’t!” Amiel agreed: “That means everyone is responsible for their own hangovers.” What did your family feud over? Pre-minced garlic, turkey temperatures, covered-up affairs? FILL ME IN. Until next week, Alex Beggs Senior Staff Writer What do you think of the BA newsletter? Send us your thoughts at staff.bonappetit@gmail.com. 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