So much of parenting is beyond our control

Also: A humanitarian's plea [Donate ❤️]( [View in Browser](  December 3, 2023 Dear Cog reader, On a summer afternoon in 2004, my 17-month-old daughter, Virginia, was playing on her rocking horse. She was in full cowboy mode, galloping so hard the rocking horse scooted across the family room. Suddenly, she stopped, her eyes twitching. I read her queer facial expression as a vomit reflex, so I scooped her up and ran with her to the bathroom, thinking she was going to be sick, but nothing happened. I chalked it up to a wet burp and we went about our day. Twice more that day, she made the same funny face. It appeared out of nowhere, like an errant cloud blocking the sun for just a moment. Then, just as quickly, the cloud moved away: her face relaxed, and the sun shone again. I didn’t know it at the time, but those were Virginia’s very first seizures. The doctors said she would probably outgrow it. She didn’t. They thought medicine would work. It wouldn’t. She had medically intractable epilepsy, which simply means that no existing treatment worked. Over the years, she had about 15,000 seizures. Our lives felt completely out of control. I tried to regain control by reading everything I could, by attending webinars and conferences. I got a second opinion, and then a third, fourth and fifth. People lionized me for being her caregiver. “I don’t know how you do it,” they said. Or, “You’re so strong.” But I wasn’t strong. I was desperate. We were in and out of hospitals a lot. We traveled all over the country, seeking out specialists and trying new tests. And in the hospital, [I could give Virginia what she needed](. In the hospital, we were moving forward. In the hospital, I was doing something helpful, even if that was just figuring out what wasn’t going to work — even if that was just holding her hand.  Virginia’s story has a happy epilogue: Every doctor we saw told us she wasn’t a candidate for brain surgery — except one. On December 2, 2020 — three years ago yesterday — he burned away two small spots in her brain and she’s never had another seizure. It’s not the end of the story, and life hasn’t been all sweetness and light ever since, but it is a new chapter. When life feels out of control, we all look for ways to tame the chaos. Parents know this — so much of raising kids involves dealing with circumstances that are completely beyond your control. And sometimes the best we can do is hold their hand and hold on to hope. Thanks for reading. P.S.— The news has a tendency to make us all feel a little powerless. At its very best, the work Cog publishes is deeply personal and adds perspective and depth to important news stories. We look for pieces that are hopeful, that seek out beauty in all its many forms, and — perhaps most importantly — help our readers and listeners feel a sense of connection to one another. [Please support our work by making a gift today](. Kate Neale Cooper Editor, Cognoscenti [Follow]( Support the news   Must Reads [‘I’m right here. You’re not alone’: In the hospital, I can give my daughter what she needs]( Since her daughter’s first seizure at 17 months, Kate Neale Cooper has spent more nights in the hospital than she can count. But it wasn’t all bad. Life has a different rhythm in the hospital, she writes — one that plants you in the here and now, one where the next step you have to take is clear. [Read more.]( [‘I’m right here. You’re not alone’: In the hospital, I can give my daughter what she needs]( Since her daughter’s first seizure at 17 months, Kate Neale Cooper has spent more nights in the hospital than she can count. But it wasn’t all bad. Life has a different rhythm in the hospital, she writes — one that plants you in the here and now, one where the next step you have to take is clear. [Read more.]( [A humanitarian's plea: Hope must survive amidst the horror in Israel and Gaza]( "If people like me — people who have dedicated their careers to peace — lose our hope and our determination to fight, who else will carry it forward?" asks Abby Maxman, the president of Oxfam America. "Who else will remind us of our common humanity?" [Read more.]( [A humanitarian's plea: Hope must survive amidst the horror in Israel and Gaza]( "If people like me — people who have dedicated their careers to peace — lose our hope and our determination to fight, who else will carry it forward?" asks Abby Maxman, the president of Oxfam America. "Who else will remind us of our common humanity?" [Read more.]( [It can be tough for men to make friends. My solution? Darts, dive bars and showing up]( For men, making and keeping meaningful friendships seems to get more difficult as each year passes in their lives, writes Kevin Koczwara. That changed when he started playing darts. [Read more.]( [It can be tough for men to make friends. My solution? Darts, dive bars and showing up]( For men, making and keeping meaningful friendships seems to get more difficult as each year passes in their lives, writes Kevin Koczwara. That changed when he started playing darts. [Read more.]( [The clock is ticking. It's time to write my annual holiday letter]( "Every year I feel compelled to write a holiday letter that is informative, entertaining, and clever," writes Laura McTaggart. "Now here I am, procrastinating so much about writing the letter that I’m currently writing about writing the letter, but not actually writing the letter." [Read more.]( [The clock is ticking. It's time to write my annual holiday letter]( "Every year I feel compelled to write a holiday letter that is informative, entertaining, and clever," writes Laura McTaggart. "Now here I am, procrastinating so much about writing the letter that I’m currently writing about writing the letter, but not actually writing the letter." [Read more.]( What We're Reading "If Donald Trump is the Republican nominee for president in 2024, it’s now clear he will likely still have criminal indictments hanging over his head on Election Day. It’s possible that his criminal liability for the events leading up to the Jan. 6 riot at the Capitol will remain unresolved." [Why Judges in the Trump Jan. 6 Trial Need a Rocket Docket]( The New York Times. "Can romance be cashed out in brand loyalty? Certainly, when it comes to celebrity couples, passion and ambition are typically inseparable." "[The Dawn of the Celebrity Power Couple]( The New Yorker. "The war in Gaza is highlighting the latest advances in artificial intelligence as a way to spread fake images and disinformation. The fake videos and photos are intended to stoke horror and outrage, and mislead people about atrocities or responsibility for casualties." "[Fake babies, real horror: Deepfakes from the Gaza war increase fears about AI’s power to mislead]( Associated Press. "I have to believe it is possible to hold the civilians on all sides of this conflict in my heart at the same time." — Abby Maxman, "[A humanitarian's plea: Hope must survive amidst the horror in Israel and Gaza]( ICYMI [Philanthropy doesn’t always get it right. Let’s rethink how we give]( This Giving Tuesday, Makeeba McCreary and Bob Giannino look at ways to break free from philanthropy's old way of doing business. If you begin by assuming that those who are closest to a community are more likely to know its needs, they write, then you start to operate differently. [Read more.]( [Philanthropy doesn’t always get it right. Let’s rethink how we give]( This Giving Tuesday, Makeeba McCreary and Bob Giannino look at ways to break free from philanthropy's old way of doing business. If you begin by assuming that those who are closest to a community are more likely to know its needs, they write, then you start to operate differently. [Read more.]( If you’d like to write for Cognoscenti, send your submission, pasted into your email and not as an attachment, to opinion@wbur.org. Please tell us in one line what the piece is about, and please tell us in one line who you are. 😎 Forward to a friend. They can sign up [here](. 🔎 Explore [WBUR's Field Guide]( stories, events and more. 📣 Give us your feedback: newsletters@wbur.org 📧 Get more WBUR stories sent to your inbox. [Check out all of our newsletter offerings.]( Support the news     Want to change how you receive these emails? Stop getting this newsletter by [updating your preferences.](  I don't want to hear from WBUR anymore. 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