How birthdays became week-long blowouts

If your friends have started throwing lavish, time-intensive birthdays, here’s how to navigate. vox.com/culture CULTURE   Having recently celebrated a birthday, the concept of honoring one’s own existence has been top of mind. Like many children of the '90s, I attended (and hosted) my fair share of birthday parties at skating rinks, shopping malls, and bowling alleys in my adolescence. By my 20s, those celebrations had moved to bars and restaurants. But as my 20s morphed into 30s, I noticed birthday parties didn’t really stop. In some instances, they got bigger. No longer a single day, the anniversary of a birth can stretch to a week and may include a multi-day trip, an assortment of parties, or expensive experiences — and the expectation that one’s friends can and will want to celebrate. To be clear: There’s nothing wrong with honoring your birthday whatever way you want. However, tensions can arise when the guest of honor’s expectations exceed what their friends can realistically contribute — that is, if they even tell their friends what their hopes are for their birthday in the first place. [I explored birthday scope creep]( and all of the factors that gave rise to these lavish and extended celebrations, as well as what people really feel about the pressures to have — and celebrate — the “perfect” day. —[Allie Volpe](, senior reporter P.S. We’re launching Vox Recommends, a new newsletter, on September 15. Our editors will send you curated picks of the best Vox journalism to read, watch, and listen to every week. [Sign up here with one click.]( How birthdays became week-long blowouts [Image of very decorated/frosted birthday cake]( Getty Images/CSA Images RF The celebration was threefold: a dinner, a boozy art class, and a day party, held over the course of a weekend last October. Ashlee Kelly, 35, had committed to attending every festivity during the multi-day function, all in honor of a friend she’d known since high school. To get there, Kelly, a college and career coach, her husband, and their two young children caught a flight from Tampa Bay, where they live, to Maryland, to the hometown of the guest of honor. The dinner, on a Saturday night, went off without incident. But by Sunday, after the four-hour paint-and-sip, [Kelly was starting to have second thoughts about the party, scheduled to begin immediately after.]( She was exhausted from the long day of artistry and wine, and felt she’d spent enough time away from her husband and children. So Kelly decided not to complete the trifecta and bowed out of the final event. Kelly’s friend, the host, was not pleased. “She just stopped talking to me,” Kelly says. The pair haven’t spoken since. The weekend-long celebration in question was not commemorating a hugely significant milestone, such as upcoming nuptials or the birth of a child, but something far more mundane and universal: a birthday. That a nearly two-decade friendship crumbled over a missed birthday party — one she crossed state lines to attend — was painful, Kelly says. “I’m still mourning it,” she says, “because it’s honestly like you’re grieving.” [Kelly has grown accustomed to big asks from her friends on their birthdays.](This spring, one pal suggested for her special day flying to Las Vegas to see Usher perform, a trip that Kelly says would’ve cost her thousands. Another friend recently hosted a dinner party at a restaurant, followed by a no-kids-allowed bash on the beach a few days later. “She has two sons, so it’s not like she doesn’t have kids,” Kelly says. She estimates she attends five to six blowout birthday parties a year. While Kelly tries her best to accommodate her friends’ wishes on their birthdays, she is often put in a tough position, having to choose between her family and her companions. For the invitations she does decline, some friends see it as a personal rebuff. Depending on who you talk to, [birthdays rank as one of the most significant days of the year.]( Who better to spend it with than your closest confidantes? A YouGov poll of 1,000 Americans showed that 72 percent spend at least some of their birthdays with friends. Among certain circles, however, birthday parties have ballooned beyond the standard dinner and cake. While lavish birthday celebrations give single and child-free adults an opportunity to bask in the spotlight for a day (or week) similar to the effect of weddings and baby showers, throwing yearly massive events can strain a relationship. Fêtes can now encompass weekend trips, expensive experiences — think multi-course meals, excursions, and concerts — or multiple events over many days. [Read the full story »](  [Learn more about RevenueStripe...]( On Louis C.K., bad men, and burning it all down From The Royal Hotel to Woman of the Hour to Sorry/Not Sorry, what the movies are doing with bad men. [Read the full story »]( Joe Jonas — and the celebrity PR machine — isn’t fooling us anymore Nobody trusts tabloid spin anymore, for better and for worse. [Read the full story »](   Support our work We aim to explain what we buy, why we buy it, and why it matters. Support our mission by making a gift today. 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