Don't hold a grudge

At least, not if it's harming you. I’d like to think I’m a fairly positive person, but there’s something irresistible about a really good grudge. A petty resentment turned righteous, a sleight extrapolated into a referendum on someone’s character: these aren’t exactly flattering feelings for the bearer, but they do keep a certain flame lit in the belly. Still, as [Allie Volpe explains](, there are times when you want to loosen the hold a grudge has over you, especially if it’s taking up too much emotional real estate. She spoke to several experts, who had varying degrees of belief in how much you can really control such feelings. But they all agree, however, that your grudge is probably trying to tell you something. Whether you choose to listen is entirely up to you. —[Alanna Okun](, senior editor   How (and why) to stop holding a grudge [illustration of fist punching brick wall]( Getty Images/iStockphoto There’s something deliciously perverse about holding a grudge. Sitting atop your high horse, you cast judgment on the person who has wronged you, wondering how someone could commit such a heinous act. Weeks, months, and even years can pass, and all the while you hold on to your little treasures of spite. Indeed, [C. Ward Struthers](, a professor at York University who studies forgiveness, vengeance, and grudges, suspects grudges are meant to be remembered since they function as self-protection. “When I’m faced with that person again, or another situation like that, [the grudge] can be re-invoked and I can use it to protect myself,” he says. Struthers defines a grudge as a sustained feeling of hurt and anger that can dissipate over time but can be reignited when needed. Harboring negative feelings toward someone and holding a grudge are similar experiences, Struthers says, but not identical. When grudges form, your perception of the transgressor has changed and you see them as an inherently bad person with harmful intentions. Feeling slighted by a friend because they got you a cheap birthday present doesn’t evoke the same emotion as the disdain felt for a coworker who constantly undermines you in meetings. Grudges exist on a spectrum, says [Robert Enright](, a professor of educational psychology at the University of Wisconsin Madison and a founding board member of the International Forgiveness Institute. Some grievances don’t impact your daily life, but you remember them nonetheless. These surface-level grudges are easier to relinquish, Enright says. Others take root in the soul and can grow into hatred. Because grudges have the ability to shield you from future harm, Struthers believes once a grudge is set, it’s yours for life. (He does admit the research is scant in this area.) Enright believes, through [forgiveness](, even the most profound resentments can be released. Though feelings of bitterness may be deep-seated, it’s not exactly in your best interest to walk around brimming with rancor. Even if you’re not ready to forgive, understanding the process of how grudges are formed can help relinquish some of the power they hold over your life. [Read the full story »](  [Learn more about RevenueStripe...]( Awards are meaningless From the Oscars to best in business, why do we do awards for adults? [Read the full story »](   How Palo Alto created capitalism as we know it From Stanford to Theranos, Malcolm Harris explains the weird, dark history of the mythic California city. [Read the full story »](   Support our work We aim to explain what we buy, why we buy it, and why it matters. Support our mission by making a gift today. [Give](   More good stuff to read today - [The five-day workweek is dead]( - [Ordinary Black lives should be remembered, too]( - [What rewatching old shows teaches us about ourselves]( - [Brad Pitt was the only winner of the Aniston-Jolie tabloid battle]( - [Why is there so much secrecy in philanthropy?]( - [A retro hobby for the end times](  [Learn more about RevenueStripe...]( Manage your [email preferences]( or [unsubscribe](param=goods). If you value Vox’s unique explanatory journalism, support our work with a one-time or recurring [contribution](. View our [Privacy Policy]( and our [Terms of Service](. Vox Media, 1201 Connecticut Ave. NW, Floor 12, Washington, DC 20036. Copyright © 2023. All rights reserved.