Lemonade Wisdom 🍋 Unpacking the Boxes

Healing is a series of zigzags, hairpin turns and upside down loops Greetings! My mom started a baby book for me when I was born. When she lost custody of me (I was six months old), others in my life continued to contribute to the baby book. As a child, I treasured that baby book. Maybe it was a connection to my mom or maybe it was a material reminder (proof) that adults in my life cared enough to document my younger years? To this day, it’s something I treasure. When I first discovered I was pregnant, I bought a baby book for my daughter. I wanted to capture her life in those beautiful blank pages, documenting the joys of her life onto each page. I hoped that one day, she would hold that book and cherish it, feeling special and knowing how much I loved her. Life apparently had a few plot twists to throw my direction and my best laid plans went sideways. My marriage (and my life) fell apart when the girls were only two and four-years-old but even before that, things were absolutely chaotic. I found it difficult to paint a happy picture during the dysfunction because the reality was; things were not happy. I kept two big storage boxes for my daughters, each of those boxes contain several different (blank) baby books along with cherished mementos dating back to when they were babies. When my daughters would crawl or take their first steps, I would often scribble it down on a piece of scrap paper to memorialize it, and then toss it into the box. The box is full of awards from school, prized art projects and even the outfits they were home from the hospital. “One day when things calm down, I will compile a baby book for each of the girls,” I often told myself. Each time I thought to open those boxes, everything else felt urgent and more pressing; the laundry, throwing a ball for the dogs, taking a shower, everything but opening those boxes and diving in to the past. Anything but diving into the past. I once read a quote that said, "the promises we make to ourselves are the most important promises." A few weeks ago, I promised myself that I would create a baby book for each of the girls to be gifted to them on their upcoming birthdays. My oldest daughter is about to turn 19 and my youngest daughter will turn 17. After a few deep breaths, I opened the boxes and dove in headfirst. I am halfway through creating a baby book for my oldest daughter and I understand what subconsciously filed this project on the bottom of my procrastination list: trauma. It’s not rocket science; I know, but I don’t think I grasped the effect it would have on me to dive into these boxes. A huge part of it is facing the fact that “he” robbed me of the majority of their childhood photos. He stole them all while I was away one weekend. I was too busy trying to protect the girls that I didn’t have the energy to fight him on these things. I started with my oldest daughter's box of memories. I discovered a calendar documenting my oldest daughter’s first months of life. On the calendar, I captured the fact that we drove straight from the hospital (after a C-section) to the lake so he could train for his triathlon. It was difficult to read. It’s not like I forgot about that experience, it just feels more real to see it captured in my handwriting. I have written about this in my book, [Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom's Battle]( but there was something about seeing it hand written. The next calendar entry read, “Back to Lake San Antonio for dinner.” That wasn't exactly true, it was one week after I give birth and I wasn't being treated to dinner. I was cooking and hosting a pasta feed at our campsite for his fellow triathletes...with a newborn baby strapped to my body in a sling. I want to go back in time and hug myself. The weekend after that, the calendar read “Dad’s 10K in Morro Bay,” because our lives revolved around his needs, not the needs of a new mother or a newborn baby. Probably the most difficult was the blank spot next to the prompt that read, “How I told dad I was pregnant.” I couldn’t figure out what to write so apparently I wrote nothing. That space was completely blank. How do you explain that dad was so angry that he left the house and barely spoke to me for the next nine months? While reading my daughter’s “birth story” about the day she was born, I wrote, “I woke up at 7am in labor, and waited at the house while dad ran errands for our business.” My jaw dropped, it was shocking to read that entry because that wasn’t what happened. The truth was, I had been up most of the night with back labor and he was annoyed, believing it was another false alarm. I was almost 2 weeks overdue and he was tired of hearing, “this is it," so he went to sleep. The next morning, he left to go borrow a large sum of money from a family member because he was kiting checks and on the verge of financial collapse. Despite the fact that I was in the bathtub on all fours and in tears, he left me alone for hours. He returned to the house as high as a kite because of his latest financial scheme and immediately assumed the role of doting husband and father for the nurses, doula and hospital staff. To read how I portrayed these things was unnerving. In sugarcoating these things and reframing them for my daughter’s baby book, was I lying to her? Was I lying to myself? Was I giving him the benefit of the doubt to my own detriment? Did I so desperately want to believe the things I wrote that I was trying to convince myself that things were normal? That period of life is a blur and reading her birth story was unnerving. What I know, is that more than anything... I wanted to give my daughters a peaceful, loving childhood and it didn’t go as planned. Now that I am knee-deep in this project, there was another aspect to confront: erasing my ex-husband from the new baby book. “Erased” is a big word for those who believe in the pseudo concept of “alienation.” For years I’ve been accused of being an “alienator.” The truth is, I worked very hard to encourage my ex-husband’s relationship with my daughters …until it was no longer safe. Now, I am actively choosing to erase him – he does not deserve a place in the baby book and, it is what my daughters would want. I haven’t discarded anything; I am tucking it all into a big envelope that is theirs to keep, or destroy. As a family, our collective truth was that he never wanted children and there was no bond and no relationship. To him, they were merely pawns and weapons. I was a single mother long before my divorce proceedings started– and that is the truth of the new baby book. No sugarcoating, no reframing and no trying to convince anyone of anything. The difference between "me now" and "me then," is that I know my truth at a core level. I have had so many emotions as I sort through these boxes of memories. I’ve been overcome with waves of sadness – and rage at a family court system that robbed me of truly experiencing motherhood. Many of the pictures I looked through feel blury- beyond what would be considered the normal passage of time. The photos where I was present, but I wasn’t really…. these photos are a stark reminder of this all-consuming battle. Many of the photos feel like they were taken a lifetime ago, or in a completely different lifetime. As they say, healing isn’t linear – I’ve been doing EMDR therapy consistently for almost a year and apparently the bottom of my trauma box is like a black hole! Anyone relate? Every time I think I have a handle on it… three more things show up. Healing is a series of zigzags, hairpin turns and upside down loops. Sometimes it’s going at the speed of light and other times, it's as slow as molasses. In this case, I decided to confront two very large boxes of memories—head on. The result will be a beautiful story captured in a baby book and most importantly, a true story. The stories of two little girls who were deeply loved by their mother, and by many other people. It’s a more authentic story than the one I originally attempted to write. I am cheering you on, now and always! Sending love and light, wherever you are on this journey. PS OH!!! The project I am most excited about (in the history of being excited): see post below or go to www.thechildrenarecoming.com. On Instagram and Facebook, follow: @thechildrenarecoming Tina FREE DIVORCE COACHING - if you are feeling overwhelmed by your family court case and need a strategy partner, this is an incredible opportunity for free divorce coaching. If selected, you will be paired with a coach for 2 FREE coaching sessions between March 3 and March 16, 2024. The ideal candidate for free coaching: • Is currently separated, divorcing, divorced or never married (paternity cases). • Is experiencing ongoing litigation, post separation abuse, abusive communication, or co-parenting struggles. • Is not currently working with a divorce coach as this opportunity is reserved for those new to divorce coaching. Requirements for two FREE divorce coaching sessions: This part of our program is considered the final assignment for our student coaches, so we do require a firm commitment. If you are chosen to participate, you will receive two free coaching sessions in the following order: • Week of March 3: one introductory session (one-hour in length). You must have flexibility in your schedule to accommodate this appointment. • Week of March 10: second session (30-minutes minimum). You must have flexibility in your schedule to accommodate this appointment. • Survey: immediately following the second coaching session, a survey will be sent to you and is due within 48-hours of receipt. Important: Since these are student coaches, we are not able to take cases that involve allegations or findings of sexual abuse. Divorce coaches are not qualified to offer mental health advice or legal advice. Divorce coaches do not replace the services of a therapist or an attorney. If you have read this entire post and can commit to the above requirements, you may submit your application by [clicking here.]( Password: VClientM21 AFFIRMATION CARDS FOR CHILDREN - a great activity for your children in 2024! "I know my boundaries" - When there is a toxic or unhealthy parent in the equation, boundaries are not only ignored, they can be seen as a challenge to conquer. We need to be teaching our children about boundaries - classmates, with friends, and even with adults. What are boundaries and how do we talk to our children about this important topic? This card opens that door of communication; boundaries can be emotional, spiritual, mental, physical, etc. Talk to your children about examples of boundaries. We must talk about boundaries with our children - regardless of whether they have an unhealthy parent or not. To order, go to [www.pinkfireworks.com]( Coming in 2024: The Narc Decoder: Volume Two --------------------------------------------------------------- Divorcing a narcissist or child custody proceedings with a narcissist can feel all-consuming, demoralizing and destabilizing. Common sense and intuition calls for personal protection and firm boundaries yet the family court system demands that survivors acquiesce to the abuser. The court system itself becomes the platform for post separation abuse and the children become pawns and weapons. In a family court system that remains untrained on important topics such as domestic abuse, post separation abuse, coercive control, and victim versus perpetrator behaviors, many survivors are portrayed in a negative light as a result of their communication style. "When I first wrote The Narc Decoder in 2016, it was a much different climate in the family court system. While family court has never been a safe place for survivors of domestic abuse, the atmosphere has become even more concerning and has reached crisis level. It is inhumane for someone to be court-ordered to coparent with their abuser however, there are some harsh realities in the family court system. Healthy, reasonable parents are commonly painted as hysterical, unhinged, "alienators" so operating from a place of strategy is a critical component to protecting one's children. Protective parents are under a high-powered microscope and must navigate accordingly. I look forward to providing an updated guide for survivors who are forced to communicate with a narcissist or other toxic individual during child custody proceedings." -Tina Swithin Interested in submitting your "crazy making" communication for possible inclusion in the new addition? [Click here to read submission examples]( and to understand the format. After you have familiarize yourself, [click here to submit](. Explosive documentary by Olivia Gentile: "Hundreds of children across the United States have been sent into controversial treatment programs where they’re cut off from the parent they trust and forced to live with the one they fear. This investigation explores how proponents of “parental alienation” theory have convinced family court judges to order children into these experimental reunification programs, usually during a custody battle in a divorce. The therapists claim their programs can repair broken parent-child relationships, but critics call them junk science and say they have traumatized kids." Accompanying article: "[The Backstory: Olivia Gentile: Reporting on Parental Alienation]( We’d like to hear about family court professionals who are NOT acting “in the best interest” of children and survivors. Link: [www.intheirbestinterest.com]( Divorce Coaching v. High Conflict Divorce Coaching Which career path is right for you? A Divorce Coach (DC) becomes a cheerleader for their client, providing emotional support as the client learns to traverse the new, unchartered territory of divorce and the blank pages that await them in the next chapter. Those blank pages can be anxiety inducing, so the support of a DC is invaluable. A DC asks open-ended questions, allowing the client to take the reins and lead while simultaneously tapping into their wants, feelings and core values which often get lost or neglected during the marriage. The end result is often an empowered client who is able to see the process in a new and more hopeful light. A High Conflict Divorce Coach (HCDC) becomes a strategy partner for their client, getting into the trenches and assuming position as a trusted team member. A HCDC maintains strong boundaries, not crossing into attorney territory (legal advice) or therapeutic territory (mental health). The services and support of a HCDC compliments the work of family law attorneys and mental health providers. The HCDC holds a unique lens, helping their clients to see things from a variety of angles and perspectives so they are fully educated on the process. The HCDC guides the client to operate from a place of strategy versus emotion. If you have questions, email tina@hcdivorcecoach.com. This is what a recent graduate had to say about our program: "Everything about this course was excellent. The format was easily accessible to various brain styles (video, text, live calls, and inter-class communications). The actual content was so thoughtfully curated; every single lesson was readily applicable and there was absolutely no fluff. And then having the opportunity to coach a real client was invaluable. If you take the course you will be prepared to be a divorce coach of the highest professional and ethical caliber, and you will be connected with inspiring people working alongside you. It is not something you can “wing.” The effort and time is 1000% worth it." -Jamie Clarisse Apply today at [hcdivorcecoach.com/apply]( and join us for August 2024 session! [Click here to learn ALL about becoming a High Conflict Divorce Coach.]( If you resonate with any of the following statements, you would be helped by having a divorce coach on your team: - I am new to divorcing a narcissist (or high conflict individual) and I don’t want to make mistakes. - I am struggling with radical acceptance and/or managing my expectations. - I struggle with what (and how) to document. - I have been using gray rock communication and it’s hurting my case. - I don’t understand what matters to the court system and I feel lost. - I feel alone and no one understands – my own therapist seems baffled. - I am at odds with my attorney, and I don’t feel heard. - I am facing a custody evaluation and I don’t know how to prepare. - The judge sees me as part of the problem and I don’t know how to turn this around. Our high-conflict divorce coaches have received extensive training on post separation abuse. These coaches have been taught by leading experts around the world and they are trained to serve as strategy partners. Check our referral database at [www.hcdivorcecoach.com/coach]( - [Domestic violence victims and advocates press for family court system reform]( - [The incredible tale of one mom's successful battle to be free from her narcissistic ex-husband]( - [Gains in the movement to end most pervasive violence in the world - North Dallas Gazette]( - [ABC7: Piqui's Law - named for South Pasadena boy murdered by his father - heading to Newsom's desk]( - [Insider: California legislature passes bill aiming to protect children from abusers during custody disputes]( - [Roundtable: Violence, Criminality, and Human Rights Violations in the Family Courts with Dr. Bandy Lee]( - Survivor Squad Podcast: [Part I: Money, Manipulation & Mayhem w/ Tina Swithin]( - Survivor Squad Podcast: [Part II: Money, Manipulation & Mayhem w/ Tina Swithin]( - [Toxic: The Podcast: Episode 75: Not the Fun Kind of Camp—Family Reunification Camps, aka, Legalized Kidnappings, Are Disturbing as Hell]( - [Your Divorce Survival Guide: Exposing Parental Alienation in Family Courts with Grant Wyeth]( - [What Came Next Podcast]( - [Ms. Magazine: Remembering Catherine Kassenoff and Continuing the Fight for Fair U.S. Child Custody Outcomes]( - [What You Need to Know About Reunification Therapy (Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast)]( - [Here's the Truth About Reunification Camps (Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast)]( - [Nightline: Lala Kent and Tina Swithin]( - [Navigating Narcissism: Dr. Ramani and Tina Swithin]( - [Insider: Her son said his stepdad was sexually abusive. 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