Lemonade Wisdom 🍋 1 Degree Shift

OMB: The Intersection of Narcissism & Family Court Greetings! Someone recently said that you can’t truly begin your healing journey until this battle is over. It was a “why bother” comment about the wounds being constantly ripped open. I felt that… and there were many times I felt the same way. The battle “being over” looks different for each of us. It could be the children aging out of the system, the children seeing behind the mask, the system finally protecting the children or the abuser passing away. I have seen battles come to an end - for a wide variety of reasons and some were very unexpected plot twists. One thing I know as fact is that this is an unpredictable journey up against unpredictable individuals. You never know what is around the next corner. I have celebrated several “it’s over” moments. The first was in July 2013 when we received permanent, professionally supervised visits. The next one was in October 2014 when it was ruled that our abuser could no longer contact us, and all visits ended. Then of course, termination of parental rights in 2019 and finally, my husband adopting my daughters in 2020. Each of these junctures were significant – and even after we terminated parental rights and the adoption was final, my body did not know it was over. My body was still in fight or flight mode for many months after we were granted peace. When my body finally caught up with my mind, and I allowed reality to truly sync in… I realized how deeply I had been impacted by living in fight or flight mode for 20+ years. There was the: - Relationship with Seth. - The marriage to Seth. - The post separation abuse. - The weaponization of the family court system (institutional betrayal). Maybe it’s true that we can’t truly begin the deep healing until this battle is in our rearview mirror but through my own journey, I can look back and see this in stages or chapters. I am grateful for the work that I did along the way, because by the time I started the deeper work, I had a solid foundation created. I believe therapy, coaching and support is critical while we are in the battle – I can’t imagine surviving this without support. We can nurse our wounds, practice self compassion and show up (for ourselves). We can nurture the wounded parts of ourselves, just like we would nurture a friend or a loved one who was dealing with trauma. We may not be able to do the heavy lifting while the scab is being re-injured however, I believe that healing is something we will always be doing - as a result of the world we are living in, and the challenges we face on a daily basis. Many of you know that I spent a week at a trauma center in June where I did some heavy lifting, unpacking, sorting and purging. I dedicated five full days to deep healing and EMDR. Pressing pause allowed my body and mind to finally connect and feel the peace that we had been granted. By the end of the week, I was ready to tackle every aspect of my life. I was ready to make changes in every category, across the board. I was raring to go. On the final day, I sat down with the therapist, and we discussed my aftercare and my goals. It was there that she started reeling me in… “1 degree of change in any direction is significant. Just 1 degree,” she said. Here I had grand visions of life altering changes, and she was talking about 1-degree shifts? That, I could do and it felt less daunting. I was needing to reel myself back in. I had been so desperate for overall healing after years of re-injury, that I was ready for a complete life overhaul…but I could see why that concerned my therapist. 1° became my new mantra (it might become my new tattoo) because over the past six months, this mentality has been life-changing: subtle, and intentional but lasting. Embracing even the smallest shift can pave the way for significant transformations in our lives. In a world that often demands grand gestures and sweeping overhauls, it’s easy to overlook the impact of incremental progress – and small, deliberate shifts in thinking and actions. "Even a one degree shift in your thinking can cause a massive change in your life over time." -- Mary Morrissey I hear from so many of you who are overwhelmed by your documentation – it feels so daunting. Maybe its unorganized, and things continue to get buried? I have been there and I get it. Years ago, when I was in a state of absolute overwhelm, my therapist told me to put a one-hour time slot on the calendar every week. She told me to think of this as a part-time job or, a project I was doing for a friend. She told me to mentally clock-in and clock-out at the end of the hour as I worked on my documentation - a timesheet, just like I would do on the job. What I discovered was that by chipping away at it in small doses, it felt less overwhelming. In fact, I would get to the end of the hour and decide to add an additional hour or two because I had developed a rhythm or a flow. What ended up happening? I created a documentation system that was so solid, it is what eventually protected my children. Now, that same system has helped countless other people around the world. Maybe your issue isn’t documentation, maybe it’s coparenting communication or maybe it’s a mental shift from negative thinking to a more positive mindset? I encourage you, make a 1° shift. Maybe it’s studying strategic communication so that you can present in the best light for family court or maybe, it’s a promise to yourself that you will push pause for at least eight hours before responding to an email or a message? Maybe it’s writing down one thing you are grateful for every single night or maybe it’s replacing one unhealthy habit with a more healthy alternative? I know with the new year on the horizon, it's easy to make grandiose plans or resolutions but maybe instead…we set small intentions or make one degree shifts? Whatever it is, give it a try and let me know how it goes for you. I am cheering you on, now and always! Sending love and light, Tina Coming in 2024: The Narc Decoder: Volume Two --------------------------------------------------------------- Divorcing a narcissist or child custody proceedings with a narcissist can feel all-consuming, demoralizing and destabilizing. Common sense and intuition calls for personal protection and firm boundaries yet the family court system demands that survivors acquiesce to the abuser. The court system itself becomes the platform for post separation abuse and the children become pawns and weapons. In a family court system that remains untrained on important topics such as domestic abuse, post separation abuse, coercive control, and victim versus perpetrator behaviors, many survivors are portrayed in a negative light as a result of their communication style. "When I first wrote The Narc Decoder in 2016, it was a much different climate in the family court system. While family court has never been a safe place for survivors of domestic abuse, the atmosphere has become even more concerning and has reached crisis level. It is inhumane for someone to be court-ordered to coparent with their abuser however, there are some harsh realities in the family court system. Healthy, reasonable parents are commonly painted as hysterical, unhinged, "alienators" so operating from a place of strategy is a critical component to protecting one's children. Protective parents are under a high-powered microscope and must navigate accordingly. I look forward to providing an updated guide for survivors who are forced to communicate with a narcissist or other toxic individual during child custody proceedings." -Tina Swithin Interested in submitting your "crazy making" communication for possible inclusion in the new addition? [Click here to read submission examples]( and to understand the format. After you have familiarize yourself, [click here to submit](. AFFIRMATION CARDS FOR CHILDREN - holiday gifts or stocking stuffers! "I know my boundaries" - When there is a toxic or unhealthy parent in the equation, boundaries are not only ignored, they can be seen as a challenge to conquer. We need to be teaching our children about boundaries - classmates, with friends, and even with adults. What are boundaries and how do we talk to our children about this important topic? This card opens that door of communication; boundaries can be emotional, spiritual, mental, physical, etc. Talk to your children about examples of boundaries. We must talk about boundaries with our children - regardless of whether they have an unhealthy parent or not. To order, go to [www.pinkfireworks.com]( Explosive documentary by Olivia Gentile: "Hundreds of children across the United States have been sent into controversial treatment programs where they’re cut off from the parent they trust and forced to live with the one they fear. This investigation explores how proponents of “parental alienation” theory have convinced family court judges to order children into these experimental reunification programs, usually during a custody battle in a divorce. The therapists claim their programs can repair broken parent-child relationships, but critics call them junk science and say they have traumatized kids." Accompanying article: "[The Backstory: Olivia Gentile: Reporting on Parental Alienation]( We’d like to hear about family court professionals who are NOT acting “in the best interest” of children and survivors. Link: [www.intheirbestinterest.com]( At the High Conflict Divorce Coach Certification Program, we do not subscribe to the belief that there is always purpose to be found in pain - sometimes there are tragedies that stand alone as unexplainable and horrific. Outside of this category, there are those of us who have been through the family court system and want to ensure that our experiences were not in vain. We seek purpose and are driven to give others a hand up. We strive to be the person we so desperately needed during the darkest moments of our own journeys. It has also been refreshing to walk alongside and mentor professionals who currently work in the family court system or, in the field of mental health. I have the utmost respect for those who recognize that their formal training lacked critical information, hindering them from properly serving their clients. Over the past few years, we have welcomed family law attorneys, guardian ad litem's, paralegals, mediators, social workers, LMFTs and psychologists. One of the testimonials we received from our January cohort was from a family law attorney who said: "As a family law attorney, I thought I knew how to help clients. This course brought me to a whole different level of being able to help people." A.M. (California) This is what another recent graduate had to say about our program: "Everything about this course was excellent. The format was easily accessible to various brain styles (video, text, live calls, and inter-class communications). The actual content was so thoughtfully curated; every single lesson was readily applicable and there was absolutely no fluff. And then having the opportunity to coach a real client was invaluable. If you take the course you will be prepared to be a divorce coach of the highest professional and ethical caliber, and you will be connected with inspiring people working alongside you. It is not something you can “wing.” The effort and time is 1000% worth it." -Jamie Clarisse Apply today at [hcdivorcecoach.com/apply]( and join us for January session! [Click here to learn ALL about becoming a High Conflict Divorce Coach.]( If you resonate with any of the following statements, you would be helped by having a divorce coach on your team: - I am new to divorcing a narcissist (or high conflict individual) and I don’t want to make mistakes. - I am struggling with radical acceptance and/or managing my expectations. - I struggle with what (and how) to document. - I have been using gray rock communication and it’s hurting my case. - I don’t understand what matters to the court system and I feel lost. - I feel alone and no one understands – my own therapist seems baffled. - I am at odds with my attorney, and I don’t feel heard. - I am facing a custody evaluation and I don’t know how to prepare. - The judge sees me as part of the problem and I don’t know how to turn this around. Our high-conflict divorce coaches have received extensive training on post separation abuse. These coaches have been taught by leading experts around the world and they are trained to serve as strategy partners. Check our referral database at [www.hcdivorcecoach.com/coach]( - [Gains in the movement to end most pervasive violence in the world - North Dallas Gazette]( - [ABC7: Piqui's Law - named for South Pasadena boy murdered by his father - heading to Newsom's desk]( - [Insider: California legislature passes bill aiming to protect children from abusers during custody disputes]( - [Roundtable: Violence, Criminality, and Human Rights Violations in the Family Courts with Dr. Bandy Lee]( - Survivor Squad Podcast: [Part I: Money, Manipulation & Mayhem w/ Tina Swithin]( - Survivor Squad Podcast: [Part II: Money, Manipulation & Mayhem w/ Tina Swithin]( - [Toxic: The Podcast: Episode 75: Not the Fun Kind of Camp—Family Reunification Camps, aka, Legalized Kidnappings, Are Disturbing as Hell]( - [Your Divorce Survival Guide: Exposing Parental Alienation in Family Courts with Grant Wyeth]( - [What Came Next Podcast]( - [Ms. Magazine: Remembering Catherine Kassenoff and Continuing the Fight for Fair U.S. Child Custody Outcomes]( - [What You Need to Know About Reunification Therapy (Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast)]( - [Here's the Truth About Reunification Camps (Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast)]( - [Nightline: Lala Kent and Tina Swithin]( - [Navigating Narcissism: Dr. Ramani and Tina Swithin]( - [Insider: Her son said his stepdad was sexually abusive. A judge gave the stepdad custody anyway. Then she found the photographs]( - [One Mom's Battle by Annie Kenny: Welcome to America, the Land of the Free - Unless you are the Child of An Abuser]( - [ProPublica: Barricaded Siblings Turn to TikTok While Defying Court Order to Return to Father They Say Abused Them]( - [Page Six: Lala Kent Protesting Family Court Abuse]( - [San Francisco Public Press: Family Courts Rely on Dubious Theory to Dismiss Child Abuse Claims]( - [San Francisco Public Press: Children’s Violent Removal From Santa Cruz Home Raises Calls to End Reunification Camps]( - [Good Times Santa Cruz: Teens and Lawmakers Work to Outlaw Reunification Therapy]( [Facebook]( [Twitter]( [Link]( [Website]( [Pinterest]( [LinkedIn]( [YouTube]( Our mailing address is: One Mom's Battle/Tina Swithin P.O. Box 123 San Luis Obispo, California 93406 Want to change how you receive these emails? You can [update your preferences]( or [unsubscribe from this list](. 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