Lemonade Wisdom 🍋 In Search of Hope

...where to find it? There have been several junctures in my life where I have had to be intentional about finding hope. At times, it feels like it is escaping me and other times, I am clinging onto it for dear life. Hope acts as a beacon of light in the darkest of circumstances. It is a belief that things can and will get better, even when the present situation appears dark and overwhelming. For me, it’s a combination of hope and faith. I was agnostic most of my life, gave Christianity a good solid try during my custody battle and now I am over here doing fist bumps with my higher power…and sometimes holding a crystal in the vortexes of Sedona. Truly depends on the day. It’s been a journey of its own - and it's a story for another day. To me, hope is a sense of optimism, expectation, or anticipation for a positive outcome where faith is a spiritual belief that surpasses hope and involves a profound confidence in the absence of solid evidence. I think both are helpful and together, incredibly powerful. There were two junctures in my life that really stand out when it comes to being intentional about finding hope, when it was not coming to me easily: my health journey and my family court journey. My health crisis started in 2004, four years into my toxic relationship with my now ex-husband. Yes, absolutely a correlation and I know that so many of you are dealing with autoimmune conditions and other health struggles as a result of trauma and toxicity. As we know, the body does keep the score. At one point, I met with a neurologist who obviously struggled with bedside manner. He told me that he is suspected multiple sclerosis however, he also had concerns about Neuromyelitis Optica (which is what I was ultimately diagnosed with last year). When I pressed understand what it was, he told me I could “Google it” but explained that it leaves people blind and wheelchair-bound. I thought, “Nope! I don’t want that one. What’s behind door number three?” I remember attending my first support group for multiple sclerosis, I left a quarter of the way through the meeting. It was terrifying and not what I needed in that moment. I trusted my instincts and made my way for the door. As I walked to my car with tears in my eyes, I put on imaginary blinders and committed to being intentional when it came to finding hope and joy. It was what I needed to do to survive. I think another powerful tool that has helped me tremendously is my ability to compartmentalize. As I do "inner child work" in therapy, I’ve come to realize that it was a skill I learned early on for survival. There’s a huge difference between denial and compartmentalizing. I’m not in denial about my disease or any other hardships in life but I visualize many of these difficult things in boxes on a shelf. I know where they are, they are clearly organized and labeled, and I can take them down when I need to process or work through the contents of that particular box. There have been several times where the earth quakes and boxes have fallen off the shelf without my permission, busting open, landing at my feet and forcing me to inspect the contents inside. Not how I would prefer to approach the boxes on the shelf but, its life and when it happens, I try to roll with it. Hope during a custody battle? Is there such a thing? I think it depends on the day and for me, it was often in combination of hope and faith with a sprinkle of clarity on what was in my control and what wasn’t. There is a great deal of uncertainty but I do believe that hope can coexist with uncertainty – it can take great effort to keep the spark of hope alive so when we are running on fumes, it can feel daunting. Cultivating hope can be a deeply personal and individual journey – you will need to create a plan that works for you. Here are some things I find helpful: - Seeking support: therapy, friends, family or support networks however, it is important for this to be balanced. This is where compartmentalizing can help, there are times we need to be around people who lift us up and love us, without delving into these dark topics of family court. In other words, putting the box up on the shelf and leaning into life. It can also be helpful to do inventory: are there certain people who bring you down or leave you feeling worse? Purging isn’t just for your outdated clothing or clothing that doesn’t fit, it may also be for outdated people who no longer fit. - Practice Gratitude: Focus on the positive aspects of your life and express gratitude for them. Recognize and appreciate the small moments of joy, acts of kindness, or any progress, no matter how small. Shifting your mindset towards gratitude can help reframe your perspective and bring hope into focus. As the saying goes, what we seek, we shall find. I first learned about gratitude journals in sixth grade on the Oprah Winfrey Show. I used to rush home every day after school to watch it and I was mesmerized – I became a gratitude journal junkie. - Set Realistic Goals: Establishing achievable goals, even in the face of challenges, can provide a sense of direction. Break down larger objectives into smaller, manageable steps, and celebrate each milestone achieved. This can fuel motivation, progress, and a sense of hope for the future. Maybe this is your documentation system or, maybe it is getting your desk or home organized so you feel a sense of structure amidst the chaos. - Self-care: such an overused cliché but, I still believe in the power of keeping our oxygen mask on. I must be intentional about self-care, like many of you. It doesn’t have to be a huge production or a picture-perfect bubble bath, it can simply be sitting on your porch early in the morning with a cup of tea to center and regulate. Taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally can help restore hope and resilience. - Find Inspiration: Seek out stories, outdoor adventures, literature, social media accounts or media that inspire and encourage you. Reading about others who have overcome adversity or listening to motivational speakers can provide a sense of hope and inspiration. If you are overloading yourself with stories and content related to narcissism, child custody and family court, seek balance to counter this and maybe even set limits and boundaries with yourself on what you will absorb moving forward. - Just Breathe: Some call it meditation, I prefer to call it, “sitting and breathing” (sounds less pretentious and daunting). Even if it’s for two minutes to clear my mind, it is life changing and life giving. I am learning to bring myself into the present moment. I am catching myself when I am going backwards on the “Should’ve, Could’ve, Would’ve Path,” or keeping myself from jumping forward to the, “What If Path.” While doing breath work or meditation, I often think to myself, “inhale courage, exhale fear.” - Affirmations, prayers or mantras: Years ago, a client told me that her daily prayer was, “God please continue to open doors to help me protect my daughter.” It was very powerful and kept her centered. In the middle of my battle while representing myself in family court, I needed to think outside the box and figure out angles and direction every time a door closed. On a Post-it note I wrote down, “I am open to new ideas and strategies,” and I would breathe into that, absorb it and believe it. Hope is not a passive state but an active energy. It motivates us to seek solutions, explore new possibilities, and…to act. It empowers us to tap into our inner wisdom and be open to solutions. During the darkest times of my battle, hope was my North Star. Had I absorbed the horror stories or words from the naysayers, I don’t know that my outcome would have been the same. I probably wouldn’t have fought so hard when things felt hopeless, I wouldn’t have been open to seeing other paths on the map when I hit a dead end. Hope offered me a glimmer of light when things felt bleak. If you are feeling hopeless, you may need to be intentional about making adjustments or doing things just a little bit different. Please know that I have seen some of the most difficult custody battles do a complete 180; this is an unpredictable journey, and we are up against unpredictable people. If your hope candle has lost its spark, let’s ignite it and encourage each other. I believe in you. Sending love and light, Tina On October 19th, we gather to honor the final wishes of Narkis Golan, a victim of domestic violence and the complexities of The Hague Abduction Convention. We unite to protest the shortcomings of The Hague Convention and the failures within the family court system while raising awareness about domestic violence. In remembrance of Narkis, who tragically passed away before she could wear the Handmaid costume that symbolizes her story, we invite attendees to dress in red robes and bonnets. This attire not only pays homage to her but also safeguards the identities of those who might face risks for participating in the march. We encourage everyone to bring signs highlighting their personal experiences with domestic violence, the impact of The Hague Convention on their lives or those close to them, or the changes they hope to see in this outdated treaty. The Hague Convention has, in some instances, trapped women in abusive relationships abroad and separated children from their protective mothers. We believe that one need not be a Hague mother to recognize the injustices faced by individuals like Narkis within local and international court systems. We cannot ignore this crisis any longer; it’s time to put an end to The Hague Convention’s shortcomings. Following the march, a day after the one-year anniversary of Narkis’s untimely passing on October 19th, 2022, we will hold a candlelight vigil in her memory. Narkis was a remarkable woman, an activist, and a source of strength and courage for many. We aim to honor her with words, music, and solidarity. The march will take place at 5pm EST, at a location in New York City, around the lower east side, which will be announced later on @NarcissistFreeNatalie instagram and TikTok pages. We are in need of watchers in Ventura, California - there are no virtual options available, this is in-person only. Please sign up if you can attend Tuesday, Oct 10, 2023 from 9am-12pm. [Sign up here]( to learn more. Are you struggling with documentation in your child custody battle? A well-organized documentation system allows you to properly convey your concerns to family court professionals ( judges, GAL’s, evaluators, mediators, and attorneys). Tina Swithin, Founder of One Mom’s Battle and Author of “Divorcing a Narcissist” credits much of the success in her own child custody case to her organizational system. “I would cringe when people would tell me to, ‘document everything,’ or ‘just keep documenting!’ Most weeks, documentation felt like a full-time job and sometimes it was. I was documenting everything and it felt like it was all in vain. Looking back, 99% of my documentation has never been submitted to the court and but, it was that 1% that ended up protecting my children. Documentation is the foundation but there is so much more to it. Once you have the documentation, it’s a matter of pulling it together and showcasing the patterns of behavior in a way that grabs the attention of those around you. It took years for me to fine-tune my system but once I did, it made a world of difference and today, my children have peace. I credit much of my family court success to the way I documented the issues and the way I presented them to the court, to minor’s counsel and to child custody evaluators.” - Tina Swithin In this hour-long course, Tina will guide you through the steps you need to replicate her own personal documentation system. This online course will prove helpful no matter where you are in your child custody battle. Support Group: Those who complete the course are invited to join our private group, “OMB Documentation Group” Link: [( We’d like to hear about family court professionals who are NOT acting “in the best interest” of children and survivors. Link: [www.intheirbestinterest.com]( At the High Conflict Divorce Coach Certification Program, we do not subscribe to the belief that there is always purpose to be found in pain - sometimes there are tragedies that stand alone as unexplainable and horrific. Outside of this category, there are those of us who have been through the family court system and want to ensure that our experiences were not in vain. We seek purpose and are driven to give others a hand up. We strive to be the person we so desperately needed during the darkest moments of our own journeys. It has also been refreshing to walk alongside and mentor professionals who currently work in the family court system or, in the field of mental health. I have the utmost respect for those who recognize that their formal training lacked critical information, hindering them from properly serving their clients. Over the past few years, we have welcomed family law attorneys, guardian ad litem's, paralegals, mediators, social workers, LMFTs and psychologists. One of the testimonials we received from our January cohort was from a family law attorney who said: "As a family law attorney, I thought I knew how to help clients. This course brought me to a whole different level of being able to help people." A.M. (California) This is what another recent graduate had to say about our program: "Everything about this course was excellent. The format was easily accessible to various brain styles (video, text, live calls, and inter-class communications). The actual content was so thoughtfully curated; every single lesson was readily applicable and there was absolutely no fluff. And then having the opportunity to coach a real client was invaluable. If you take the course you will be prepared to be a divorce coach of the highest professional and ethical caliber, and you will be connected with inspiring people working alongside you. It is not something you can “wing.” The effort and time is 1000% worth it." -Jamie Clarisse Apply today at [hcdivorcecoach.com/apply]( and join us for January session! [Click here to learn ALL about becoming a High Conflict Divorce Coach.]( If you resonate with any of the following statements, you would be helped by having a divorce coach on your team: - I am new to divorcing a narcissist (or high conflict individual) and I don’t want to make mistakes. - I am struggling with radical acceptance and/or managing my expectations. - I struggle with what (and how) to document. - I have been using gray rock communication and it’s hurting my case. - I don’t understand what matters to the court system and I feel lost. - I feel alone and no one understands – my own therapist seems baffled. - I am at odds with my attorney, and I don’t feel heard. - I am facing a custody evaluation and I don’t know how to prepare. - The judge sees me as part of the problem and I don’t know how to turn this around. Our high-conflict divorce coaches have received extensive training on post separation abuse. These coaches have been taught by leading experts around the world and they are trained to serve as strategy partners. Check our referral database at [www.hcdivorcecoach.com/coach]( Our position is that alienation is a debunked concept based on Dr. Richard Gardner's clinical observations, not scientific data and it is not recognized by the United Nations (UN), American Psychiatric Association (APA), the World Health Organization (WHO), National Safe Parents Association (NSPO), American Academy of Family Medicine (AAFP) or the American Medical Association (AMA). In 2022, the federal government took a firm stance by enacting Kayden’s Law which calls for evidence-based training for family court professionals, a restriction on expert testimony and limiting reunification therapies and reunification camps. Equally powerful is the stance recently taken by the United Nations, the [report is located here](. Accusations of “alienation” are employed as a legal strategy to deflect from allegations or findings of abuse. While we do acknowledge and validate that there are parents who attempt (and sometimes succeed) in turning children against the healthy parent. When this does occur, we are against utilizing any of the terminology (alienation, parental alienation, parental alienation syndrome, resist-refuse dynamic, pathogenic parenting, targeted parent, etc) that is co-opted and branded by those in the alienation industry and the fathers rights movement. We invite you to learn more about the [alienation industry and its history here](. - [ABC7: Piqui's Law - named for South Pasadena boy murdered by his father - heading to Newsom's desk]( - [Insider: California legislature passes bill aiming to protect children from abusers during custody disputes]( - [Roundtable: Violence, Criminality, and Human Rights Violations in the Family Courts with Dr. Bandy Lee]( - Survivor Squad Podcast: [Part I: Money, Manipulation & Mayhem w/ Tina Swithin]( - Survivor Squad Podcast: [Part II: Money, Manipulation & Mayhem w/ Tina Swithin]( - [Toxic: The Podcast: Episode 75: Not the Fun Kind of Camp—Family Reunification Camps, aka, Legalized Kidnappings, Are Disturbing as Hell]( - [Your Divorce Survival Guide: Exposing Parental Alienation in Family Courts with Grant Wyeth]( - [What Came Next Podcast]( - [Ms. Magazine: Remembering Catherine Kassenoff and Continuing the Fight for Fair U.S. Child Custody Outcomes]( - [What You Need to Know About Reunification Therapy (Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast)]( - [Here's the Truth About Reunification Camps (Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast)]( - [Nightline: Lala Kent and Tina Swithin]( - [Navigating Narcissism: Dr. Ramani and Tina Swithin]( - [Insider: Her son said his stepdad was sexually abusive. A judge gave the stepdad custody anyway. Then she found the photographs]( - [One Mom's Battle by Annie Kenny: Welcome to America, the Land of the Free - Unless you are the Child of An Abuser]( - [ProPublica: Barricaded Siblings Turn to TikTok While Defying Court Order to Return to Father They Say Abused Them]( - [Page Six: Lala Kent Protesting Family Court Abuse]( - [San Francisco Public Press: Family Courts Rely on Dubious Theory to Dismiss Child Abuse Claims]( - [San Francisco Public Press: Children’s Violent Removal From Santa Cruz Home Raises Calls to End Reunification Camps]( - [Good Times Santa Cruz: Teens and Lawmakers Work to Outlaw Reunification Therapy]( [Facebook]( [Twitter]( [Link]( [Website]( [Pinterest]( [LinkedIn]( [YouTube]( Our mailing address is: One Mom's Battle/Tina Swithin P.O. Box 123 San Luis Obispo, California 93406 Want to change how you receive these emails? You can [update your preferences]( or [unsubscribe from this list](. 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