Lemonade Wisdom: When Our Children Don't Want to Go

(with the narcissist) WHEN OUR CHILDREN DON'T WANT TO GO... WITH THE NARCISSIST Each week, I do something called “Coffee with Tina,” on Instagram - It's 30+ minutes where we come together to talk about important things -advocacy, calls-to-action, what’s happening in the world and most importantly: the question of the week which is always submitted from our OMB members. The topic of discussion last week really hit home for many. What do you say to your children when you are forced to send them with an unhealthy, unsafe, narcissistic parent and they are begging you not too? I shared the trauma that I remember all too well - one particular time in a Starbucks parking lot that my ex-husband was berating me, calling me names…because I was refusing to sign a handwritten document he had created outlining our parenting time schedule which was very self-serving (shocking, right?). The schedule was based on his triathlon schedule. Side note: he once submitted his RACE TIMES to the court - you can’t make this stuff up. Meanwhile, I was busy collecting character reference declarations from those who knew me as a parent. During the horrific exchange while he was traumatizing me and our daughters, I repeatedly begged him to stop, “this is inappropriate in front of the girls, please stop.” He would not stop. There were several variables at play as many of you are also dealing with: 1. He was virtually a stranger to my daughters unless a camera was on or an audience was present. He had no bond with them. They were essentially being forced to get into a car, leave for overnight visits with someone who was very much a stranger to them but, his rights as a parent trumped their rights. This was not about them struggling with transitions…they transitioned easily with trusted friends or family members. 2. He was creating a hostile environment because his hatred for me overrode his ability to keep the mask on. It derailed him that I had ended his ability to control me. It was a perfect example of a narcissist or a sociopath being unable to put someone else’s needs ahead of their own. He did not care that he was traumatizing our children - his name calling escalated over there cries. It’s truly evil and hard to even reflect back on without getting emotional. 3. There is no instruction manual for these situations. Our natural instincts to protect our children kick in. If you take the family court system out of it, and let’s say this exact scenario played out while you were a married couple. You would be praised for putting your children back in the car, rolling up the windows, locking the door, calling law-enforcement for assistance and, protecting your children - you would not be expected to allow someone who is raging at you in a public parking lot, to take small children while they are in that state. Now step back into the reality of the family court system and we are under and an equally or more intense microscope than the one shining on the perpetrator. In this particular situation, my oldest daughter who was four years old was clinging to me and crying, begging me not to leave her. He was yelling over her that, “this was divorce. This is what you are doing to our children.” I remember looking at him in desperation and saying, “it doesn’t have to be this way. Please stop.” I remember taking my daughter over to a bench and telling him that I needed five minutes with her. I held her, she cried, I assured her that I would see her on Sunday. I helped her to regulate, which she should’ve never had to do because that was her body and her brain telling her that she was not safe. Basically, I had to gaslight my own child and help her override her instincts. I remember describing this exact scenario to my therapist at the time, and how I had handled the situation. She was very familiar with Family court and very knowledgeable on the person I was up against. I found myself feeling like the wind got knocked out of me when she told me that I didn’t handle it right and that, it could actually come back to hurt my case if I didn’t change the way I was handling exchanges. She was afraid my daughters’ anxiety would be chalked up to me projecting my own anxiety onto them… She told me that I needed to follow policy just like you would do at preschool, talk about it in advance: when we get there, mom is going to give you one hug, one kiss and then I will walk away – and I will see you on Sunday. She told me that regardless of how my children responded, I had to immediately release them, walk away despite their tears and their screams, get into my car and leave. If I was seen dragging things out or consoling my children, it would be seen as fanning the flames and not encouraging their relationship with their father. Essentially, I would be seen as the problem. I remember thinking, what world is this? You’ve got to be kidding me. What. The. F@*ck. What do you do when your child(ren) repeatedly begs you not to leave them… I know there are a lot of people who tell children that they “have to follow the judges orders.” Personally, I have worked really hard to shelter my daughters from Family court terminology - there was something about that that just didn’t feel right to me. My go to phrase was, “mom and dad work with a team of people to decide what is best for our family - that includes rules for our family, a schedule for our family. There will be times that mom may not agree with the rules created or the schedule created, dad may not agree and you may not agree but mom has to follow the rules.” Whether we like it or not, whether it is fair or not, radical acceptance is a critical component to this journey. I don’t agree with the rules. I don’t agree with the schedule. I don’t agree with gaslighting my children. There is no instruction manual and I had to navigate this foreign culture and foreign language of the family court system that is truly not in a child’s best interest. While my daughters are now 15 and 17, we still have a teddy bear that I referred to as the transition bear - it was a permanent object that went back-and-forth with them and gave them a sense of security. They called it their “traveling bear.” We read books together like the Invisible String and Kissing Hand. The foundation of our home life was built on, “Have You Filled a Bucket Today.” We also had a calendar right in the kitchen so they could see our schedule and we made the calendar together. The older they got, the more they understood the schedule and tuned into it: only two days with dad and then we get to come back to moms. It was empowering on some level for them to be able to see what was happening and to know what to expect. We would fill the calendar with fun dates like, “make heart-shaped pizzas on Thursday night!” I tried to ensure the positives outweighed the negatives. Oh… and the exchange I shared at the Starbucks parking lot? After my daughters were in his car and they drove away, I drove a couple of blocks, pulled over and started sobbing. A friend who had witnessed the entire thing followed me and we stood there hugging in the street. From my "mom heart" to yours, I'm deeply sorry if you can relate to anything that I talk about but this situation...it is so painful. Be sure to keep your oxygen mask on tightly, we have to do that so we can help our children with theirs. Thank you for being a part of my little village of lemonade makers and light seekers! With love, Tina Click to read: [They will use the systems intended to protect you, to control you - by Custody Peace]( We are gearing up for our biggest year yet - and we need your help. Big news: we are now a 501(c)3 non-profit organization! [DONATE HERE]( In 2020, we did a [cross-country trip with press conferences]( in Los Angeles, California, Little Rock, Arkansas, Charleston, South Carolina, Raleigh, North Carolina, Nashville, Tennessee, Amarillo, Texas and Albuquerque, New Mexico. During the cross-country journey, we met with domestic violence advocates, law enforcement officers, district attorneys, attorneys and judges. The inaugural year efforts were widely embraced by advocacy groups across the country. In 2021, we asked and you answered loudly: with your help, we secured over [225 proclamations and resolutions]( declaring November as Family Court Awareness Month in cities, counties and states across the USA. ​WE BELIVE IT IS A CHILD'S HUMAN RIGHT TO LIVE FREE FROM ABUSE. We are a national coalition of more than 100,000 survivor parents and concerned citizens in the United States advocating for evidence-based policies which put child safety and risks at the forefront of child custody decisions. ​We believe it is a child’s human right to live free from abuse and that child safety, which is implicit in the law, must be made the top priority in practice, in all private custody decision-making. We work with similar national coalitions across the globe, all whom are contending with the same problems we see in the U.S.: Court’s resistance to taking risks and abuse to a child seriously in the context of child access decisions. ​NSPO's ongoing LIVE Advocacy Event Series is designed to help support you to raise awareness, bring ["The Keeping Children Safe From Family Violence Act"]( (aka [Kayden’s Law]( in VAWA) to your state, connect you with others in your state to streamline your advocacy efforts. These events will be held on the second Thursday of each month and will feature special guests and cover various topics. [CLICK TO JOIN]( [CLICK TO READ IMPORTANT UPDATES]( from our friends at NFVLC Hello! This is Makena and Kailani, and we are Pink Fireworks! Here is a little bit of background behind our new project. When we were just 2 and 4 years old, our world turned upside-down as a result of our parents' difficult divorce. Many times during our dad’s parenting time, we found ourselves feeling unsafe and alone. We often clung to the things that made us feel more secure despite the environment we were in. One of these things was pink fireworks. One year on the Fourth of July, we were scheduled for a visit with our dad. We were sad that we couldn't spend the holiday with our mom. Before leaving for the weekend, our mom reassured us that whenever we saw pink fireworks, we could consider it a big hug from her. During the fireworks, we felt comforted every time we saw a burst of pink light up the sky. From that point on, pink fireworks became a meaningful symbol that reminded us of our mom’s love for us even when we weren’t with her. This was just one of many things that kept us feeling connected to our mom during some very difficult times. As young adults, we are now able to reflect back on our journey. Because of our own experiences, we have a deep understanding of how difficult these situations can be for children. It is our desire to help children feel seen, heard and to help them fill their toolboxes with some of the things that helped us along the way. We have been through a lot, but we are grateful to have peaceful lives now. Our first product is affirmation cards, and this week we will be working to release our first set of essential oil blends! Thank you all for being a part of our journey. We look forward to sharing more of our story and offering tools to help little ones who are going through difficult times. Sincerely, Pink Fireworks How to find us: [www.pinkfireworks.com]( IG: @thepinkfireworks FB: www.facebook.com/thepinkfireworks We want to know about your experience with [Linda J. Gottlieb]( of Turning Points (alienation quack-ery). There are reports that she physically assaulted a 13-year old girl at her reunification program. [Click here to share your experience](. About this campaign: We are pulling names from our database to feature -- you can add your family court professional by going to [intheirbestinterest.com]( and click, "submit." We want to know who IS and who IS NOT acting in their best interest? "Lynn Steinburg took a child molester's word as fact - during an televised interview, Steinberg stated, "This father was being accused of sexually molesting and assaulting his daughter and I knew he had diabetes and couldn't get an erection." Journalist asked, "How do you know he couldn't get an erection?" Steinberg responded, "He told me." If your case has been affected by Lynn Steinberg, [let us know here](. About the "Tell Us More" campaign: We are pulling names from our database to feature -- you can add your family court professional by going to [intheirbestinterest.com]( and click, "submit." HOT OFF THE PRESS AND FEATURED IN USA TODAY [CLICK TO READ]( AND YAHOO NEWS! [Click here]( to purchase the newly updated version in paperback, Kindle or Audible. SPECIAL GUEST THIS WEEK: Dr. Cocchiola is an advocate, educator, and researcher on the topic of coercive control and its impact on adult and child victims. A tenured college professor, she actively supports legislation codifying coercive control as a form of domestic abuse. She a founding member of the International Coercive Control Conference, a Board member for the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, and the creator of The Protective Parenting Program, a program for protective moms navigating parenting children who have experienced coercive control. Christine remains a volunteer for the local domestic abuse/sexual assault umbrella agency where she began her career at the age of 19. Christine is a survivor and a protective mom. Connect with her at www.instagram.com/coercivecontrolisipv TOPIC THIS WEEK: "I find myself triggered by my child’s behavior. He is six years old and sometimes he acts like his father. Is this common and do you have any advice?" CONNECT WITH US ON IG: @onemomsbattle Turn on your notifications to keep up to date on stories, posts and IG lives! Not able to join live, we will post the video for you to watch later! If you need help navigating a high conflict divorce or child custody battle, our coaches are trained by leading experts in psychology, law, trauma, advocacy and even risk assessment. If you are divorcing a narcissist, and needing a strategy partner, we can help. Find more info at [hcdivorcecoach.com/coach]( In an effort to raise awareness on post separation abuse, we have created a campaign using the words of the abuser. The abuser’s own words paint a picture that is undeniable yet the family court system continues to give the abuser the benefit of the doubt to the detriment of children. Each and every day, children are being sent into abusive situations because “parental rights” continue to trump children’s rights to safety. For each quote that we use, One Mom’s Battle will make a $10 donation to the National Family Violence Law Center at the George Washington University. To Participate: Send the post separation abuse words of your abuser to postseparationabuse@gmail.com Do you need a divorce coach? Divorce coaching is a relatively new profession however, clients and attorneys are finding that the divorce coach fills a void that existed in the past. [(CLICK HERE)]( Need an attorney or therapist? Friends of OMB is a database of professionals who have been recommended to us by OMB followers or clients. [(CLICK HERE)]( Following the OMB Blog? Stay "in the know" on topics related to family court, calls-to-action, narcissistic abuse and post separation abuse. [(CLICK HERE)]( "In Their Best Interest" Your voice matters and we invite you to tell us about family court professionals who are colluding or corrupt. [(CLICK HERE)]( Seeking a Safe Place? The Lemonade Club is a private forum where members are screened through an application and by phone. 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