Lemonade Wisdom: DARVO in Action

DARVO: DENY, ATTACK, REVERSE VICTIM/OFFENDER Jennifer J. Freyd, PhD is the Professor Emerit of Psychology, University of Oregon and Founder of the Center for Institutional Courage According to Dr. Freyd, the Definition of DARVO "DARVO refers to a reaction perpetrators of wrong doing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim -- or the whistle blower -- into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of "falsely accused" and attacks the accuser's credibility and blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation." ### It’s PLAYBOOK – and we are watching it play out in a highly televised trial. It's painful and triggering for so many to watch. According to [Nicole Badera]( "In our society, we expect that victims fit a specific mold. We call it the perfect victim trope. And often we confuse victims' self-defense as a form of aggression. And this is really common in cases like this, where perpetrators will claim that they are the true victims. They do something that psychologists call DARVO. DARVO is an acronym that stands for deny, attack and reverse victim and offender. And we're seeing it on display really clearly in this case, where Johnny Depp is denying, not that he was violent. He actually is still admitting that there was violence coming from him in this relationship. But he's denying the Amber Heard's story of it is trustworthy and instead saying that she drove him to violence." This case has left me terrified as I watch many survivors of domestic abuse publicly and loudly determine who qualifies as a victim, and who doesn't. It makes me sad as I recount the numerous times I've watched victims behave or present in a way that is uncharacteristic of who they are - as a result of trauma and abuse. These same victims are deemed "non-credible" by a court system that is ill-informed on domestic violence. The same people who feel unfairly judged by the courts are now doing the same thing. It makes me sad to watch. I digressed from my original goal, which was not related to this case but, its difficult not to use this case as an example... As this topic relates to my own personal journey, I can see a clear progression of how I responded to DARVO -- as the fog cleared and my own healing was underway but also, as I became more educated on the reality of the family court system. Radical acceptance became a huge turning point for me. Whether I agreed with it or not, I was a business transaction to family court professionals. So when the child custody battle starts and accusations are flying, every accusation feels like the end of the world - especially when you are in a fog or in a state of trauma. My experience in DARVO at year one of my journey is very different from my experience with DARVO at year three. In year one, if my ex-husband had accused me of being a horrible mother because I was five minutes late dropping my child off to preschool, I would have responded to his accusations and written three paragraphs back explaining myself and trying to answer for why we were late and assuring him that it was only 3.5 minutes, not five minutes. For those of you who have been through this, you understand where someone is in this place, the most important job I’ve ever had is being a mother and when that is under attack, it is a core pain that is indescribable – we feel it deeply when we are under the microscope of family court. As the battle progresses and you start to understand the system and the reality of what’s in front of you, you realize that the scale in which you placed things on “in terms of importance” is much different than the scale the family court system uses. They are utilizing a scale that is horrific and skewed. Family court professionals become desensitized to the issues that they see every day. There are days that they are witnessing horrific abuse of all types but, it’s commonly severe physical abuse or neglect, sexual abuse (that is proven/undeniable), etc. so when we walk into the court room, most of our concerns don’t even register on their scale of importance. Those who have been in the system for a while are pained by this horrible reality: the threshold for what’s acceptable when it comes to parenting, neglect or abuse is defined much differently for us, than it is for the court. AND...we know that the narcissist will throw out anything and everything to see what will stick. As my journey progressed, I became more analytical in my thinking. I would take the accusations and I would break them down: thinking more forensically than emotionally I would scan declarations, taking each accusation and writing it out on a piece of paper. I would organize it - by order of importance. While dropping my daughter off to school 3.5 minutes late on a regular basis would not look great, once over six-months puts it into perspective and doesn't typically register for the court system. For me, this would go to the very bottom of the list. Me bringing a new man into my home through a revolving door of men weekly, may register for the courts as a concern. It may go higher on the list, but then I would dissect those top accusations: Is there proof? Do I have witnesses to say otherwise? What is my truth? This is a big, important topic: what is your truth? You should know your truth at such a core level that the frivolous accusations become an eye roll or sometimes even, a source of humor -this thinking will counter most things thrown at you. Example: my truth is that I am an amazing mom – I may not be a perfect mom but each day, I strive to do better. My truth is that I strive to be on time and I am rarely late. My truth is that I am very cautious about who I introduce to my children. Whenever you can, think analytically and forensically - find what helps you to re-set and re-center so that you can think more strategically. It doesn't come naturally but by watching court proceedings over the years, I have learned the importance of this. When the abuser is trying to deflect from their own actions and behaviors by accusing you of misdeeds, "alienation." abuse or whatever it is, it is exhausting and sometimes debilitating. It creates muddy water and confusion in the courts, in social circles and in our lives, If you are going through this, you are not alone. Please be sure you are connected to others who "get it" in an OMB Chapter at www.ombchapters.com. If you are struggling with strategy, you may want to connect with a divorce coach who can help you to move towards a strategy mindset: www.myhighconflictdivorcecoach.com. Together, we will continue fighting for our children. If you wish to become involved in advocacy and change, I personally invite you to join our efforts to pass "Keeping Children Safe from Family Violence" (Kayden's Law) in all 50 states by going to www.nationalsafeparents.org and select, "join the advocacy community." Thank you for being a part of my little village of Lemonade Warriors! Love and Light, Tina California: Piqui’s Law SB 616 Aramazd ‘Piqui’ Andressian Jr. 02/19/2012 – 04/21/2017 [CLICK TO BECOME AN ADVOCATE FOR PIQUI'S LAW]( [Sign Up]( June 1st is the launch of the 2022 WNAAD Tele-Summit! I am part of the 2022 World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day (WNAAD) Tele-Summit as a speaker! And today, June 1st is not only Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day worldwide, but it is also, the day that the summit launches with FREE access to all the speakers for 24 hours. This year, the summit is proud to feature experts, including myself that spans a wide array of recovery-oriented topics about narcissistic and psychopathic abuse by an even wider array of presenters—therapists, authors, field researchers, and survivor coaches--all bringing their own unique strategies for healing. You are invited to ‘binge-listen’ to as many speakers that spark your interest on June 1st for 24 hours. Here is the lineup and I hope you will drop by for my interview and all the others that resonate with you. From me and WNAAD, we welcome you to the healing journey this summit is sure to provide. LIVE ADVOCACY SESSION: [Click here to sign up for the Social Media 101 for Legislative Advocacy and Family Court Reform]( Join us on Tuesday, May 31, 2022 at 6pm ET for an hour presentation and Q&A on how to optimize your your social media accounts to become an effective advocate to influence state family court legislation to protect Domestic Abuse victims, safe parents and children once they decide to leave an abusive relationship. We will be specifically discussing "The Keeping Children Safe From Family Violence Act" (aka"Kayden’s Law" in VAWA) and connecting you with others in your state to streamline your advocacy efforts. We want to know about your experience with [Linda J. Gottlieb]( of Turning Points (alienation quack-ery). There are reports that she physically assaulted a 13-year old girl at her reunification program. [Click here to share your experience](. About this campaign: We are pulling names from our database to feature -- you can add your family court professional by going to [intheirbestinterest.com]( and click, "submit." We want to know who IS and who IS NOT acting in their best interest? "Lynn Steinburg took a child molester's word as fact - during an televised interview, Steinberg stated, "This father was being accused of sexually molesting and assaulting his daughter and I knew he had diabetes and couldn't get an erection." Journalist asked, "How do you know he couldn't get an erection?" Steinberg responded, "He told me." If your case has been affected by Lynn Steinberg, [let us know here](. About the "Tell Us More" campaign: We are pulling names from our database to feature -- you can add your family court professional by going to [intheirbestinterest.com]( and click, "submit." TOMORROW! My revised, re-release will be live on Amazon -- [click here]( on (or after) Tuesday, May 24th to order your copy! I look forward to sharing my story in its entirety. Bonus: my husband Glenn even has a section - I passed the reigns to him to cover of the horrific five-year criminal trial. Reminders: Tuesday: I am hosting the monthly Zoom call for The Lemonade Club on Tuesday at 6pm Pacific. Friday: Coffee with Tina and our topic of discussion: "If you have a court order, are you obligated to discuss or add more time if the other party demands it?" Go to @onemomsbattle on Instagram. Not able to join live, we will post the video for you to watch later! APRIL - Medium: [The History of Kayden's Law]( MARCH: - NBC Nightly News: "[Angelina Jolie on Protecting Women from Abuse]( - Texas Observer: "[The Murderer's Little Boy]( - USA Today: "[Kanye West's behavior is 'triggering' for those who have been in Kim Kardashian's shoes]( - People Magazine: "[Lala Kent Says Randall Emmett 'Started Relationship' with 23-Year-Old the Same Month Daughter Ocean Was Born]( - The Sun: ["Vanderpump Rules’ Lala Kent is fighting for full custody of daughter Ocean, 11 months, after Randall Emmett’s ‘cheating’"]( FEBRUARY: - [Huffington Post: "Kanye West's Behavior Is Triggering For Anyone Who's Been Harassed By An Ex"]( - [Financial Wellness Hour]( - [Reader's Digest: "I Was Stalked with an Apple AirTag—Here’s What I Wish I’d Known."]( JANUARY: - [Give them Lala: Tina Swithin and Personality Disorders]( Are you interested in FREE divorce coaching? We are now accepting applications -- if chosen, you will be paired with a student coach from the High Conflict Divorce Coach Certification Program. Before applying, please read this post in its entirety: Divorce coaching is beneficial for purposes of support and strategy. With this said, a person does not need to be going through a divorce to use a divorce coach. Our students are trained to serve as strategy partners for those who were never married and for those who are struggling post-divorce decree (co-parenting, communication, documentation, etc). This is a win-win experience for both student coach and volunteer client -- especially if the volunteer client is on the fence about hiring a divorce coach or doesn't have the financial means to do so. Please note: these are student coaches and we not able to take on cases of sexual abuse or, cases that have an extensive or complex history in the family court court system. We appreciate your understanding. Before applying, you must to be able to commit to the following: - Week of June 5-11: one introductory session (one-hour in length). - Week of June 12-18: second session (30-minutes minimum). - Survey: immediately following the second coaching session, a survey will be sent to you and is due within 48-hours of receipt. If you can answer, "yes" to schedule flexibility between June 5 and June 18 and you agree to submit the survey within 48-hours of your final coaching session, you are invited to apply here: Application: [( Password: VClientM21 If your application is accepted, you will be introduced to your student coach on June 3 or June 4, 2022. In an effort to raise awareness on post separation abuse, we have created a campaign using the words of the abuser. The abuser’s own words paint a picture that is undeniable yet the family court system continues to give the abuser the benefit of the doubt to the detriment of children. Each and every day, children are being sent into abusive situations because “parental rights” continue to trump children’s rights to safety. For each quote that we use, One Mom’s Battle will make a $10 donation to the National Family Violence Law Center at the George Washington University. To Participate: Send the post separation abuse words of your abuser to postseparationabuse@gmail.com Do you need a divorce coach? Divorce coaching is a relatively new profession however, clients and attorneys are finding that the divorce coach fills a void that existed in the past. [(CLICK HERE)]( Need an attorney or therapist? Friends of OMB is a database of professionals who have been recommended to us by OMB followers or clients. [(CLICK HERE)]( Following the OMB Blog? Stay "in the know" on topics related to family court, calls-to-action, narcissistic abuse and post separation abuse. [(CLICK HERE)]( "In Their Best Interest" Your voice matters and we invite you to tell us about family court professionals who are colluding or corrupt. [(CLICK HERE)]( Seeking a Safe Place? The Lemonade Club is a private forum where members are screened through an application and by phone. [(]( HERE]( [Facebook]( [Twitter]( [Link]( [Website]( [Pinterest]( [LinkedIn]( [YouTube]( Our mailing address is: One Mom's Battle/Tina Swithin P.O. Box 123 San Luis Obispo, California 93406 Want to change how you receive these emails? You can [update your preferences]( or [unsubscribe from this list](. Copyright © 2021 One Mom's Battle, LLC, All rights reserved