You cannot make your marriage all good by yourself. But you can make it better all by yourself.

What to do if your spouse isn’t on board… [image] {NAME}, We’ve gotten several emails & messages the last few days that we wanted to talk about. Here are some of the questions that have come in this week: - I told my husband that I need more romance but he just thinks I need to lower my expectations. What can I do if he doesn’t listen to me? - My relationship feels so one-sided. I feel like I’m always putting in effort and trying to show my wife love, but she doesn’t return the favor. If I bring it up she gets defensive & shuts me down. It’s defeating. - I really want to try the Romance Marriage Challenge, but I can’t get my husband on board. Any advice? - I signed up for the 10 Minute Marriage Challenge last time & was so excited to tell my wife about it. But she never did her challenges so I stopped doing mine. Why doesn’t she understand that marriage takes two. We know that it can be so discouraging and frustrating when we feel like our spouse isn’t “on board” or “on the same page” so… We wanted to share some tips & advice! [image](=) When you communicate your feelings- SOFTEN YOUR STARTUP! - We all know how important communication is in marriage. We hear all the time that you can’t expect your spouse to read your mind & it’s not enough to just drop subtle “hints.” And that’s true! However, HOW you communicate is very important. - Research shows that the way you BEGIN a conversation with your spouse determines the outcome of the conversation. In fact, 96% of the time, when a conversation begins poorly- due to tone, volume, words used, or a combination of all three- it ends poorly too! Dr. John Gottman says that he can predict divorce accurately just by watching the first 3 minutes of a couple’s discussion in counseling! - That’s why it’s so important to start hard or sensitive conversations softly and gently. A single minute of mindfulness and “START SOFT” in your mind before you start speaking can help you create a more receptive environment for your spouse. - Think about it- if you start off angry and yelling- they are going to get defensive automatically. And it's a lot more likely to turn into a fight. BUT if you start out being soft and VULNERABLE- they are a lot more likely to be receptive to the feelings and thoughts you're sharing. Lower your volume. Touch them softly. And humbly and vulnerably express YOUR feelings using "I" statements. QUESTION: Which “startup” would YOU rather hear from your spouse? OPTION A: - You’re never romantic anymore. I feel like I do all the work in our marriage. I need more from you. We should take this challenge to give you ideas. OPTION B: - I miss you! I know life is busy, but you’re so important to me. I want us to feel close. I heard about this romance challenge that would give us easy & quick ideas to spice up our marriage. I think it could be really fun if we did it together. What do you think? Remember the 4 T’s! - TONE- HOW are you saying it? The tone & body language you use when you speak makes ALL the difference! - TOPIC- Make sure you’re not placing blame & making your spouse the problem. You’re on the same team! - TIMING- Be mindful of WHEN you bring up the discussion. Instead of pouncing on them the minute they get home after a long day, ask when it would be a good time to chat. - TASK- Your conversation should be solution-based. What outcoming are you hoping for? What steps can be taken to reach a resolution? Recognize that the ONLY person you can control is YOURSELF! - When there are struggles in marriage, it's easy to place blame on your spouse. "If he would just... '' OR "I don't understand why she always..." We want the OTHER person to change to meet our expectations. But the truth is- the only person you can control is YOURSELF! - Of course, you both share responsibility as equal partners in marriage. And communication is so important so your spouse understands your needs & wants. But if you truly want change- the BEST place to start is with yourself. Because you are TOTALLY in control of YOU! Instead of trying to change your spouse into who you want them to be. Instead, focus on becoming the best person/spouse YOU can be. - If you really want more romance- think of an action YOU can take (not your spouse) to move forward in that direction. Just because your spouse isn’t taking the 10 Minute Marriage Challenge, it doesn’t mean YOU can’t! Don’t let the resentment fester! Don’t Keep Score! - You can't control what your spouse does, and we believe you should focus on what YOU have control over… and that is YOUR own choices and actions. So if your husband or wife isn’t game to try this right now, we highly suggest that you take the challenge for yourself and love him or her unconditionally anyway. - If you do decide to take the 10 Minute Marriage Challenge alone, without your spouse- make a conscious decision to do so without any resentment. Choose to do this purely out of love, with no expectation of getting anything in return. - It’s so hard not to compare or keep score, but YOU are in control of your happiness Of course, ideally, you are BOTH actively choosing each other. But it only takes 1 person to start movement in a different direction. (Who’s seen the movie The Love Dare?!) - Then watch and see what a difference it can have. (We have honestly seen it change marriages!! EVEN when only one spouse is working on it!) And who knows- your spouse just might join you for the next challenge when the 3 months is over. Be your spouse’s biggest fan, NOT their biggest critic! - You get to choose if you are going to BUILD UP your spouse or TEAR THEM DOWN. Everyone has faults. And everyone has strengths. YOU get to CHOOSE which ones you focus on. - Instead of criticizing their faults. Look for their strengths! You find what you look for. We highly recommend keeping a running list in a notebook of all the things you’re grateful for about your spouse. If you look for just 3 each day, you’ll be surprised what a difference it can make. - Then, make a point to verbally compliment and show appreciation for those specific things. Be their personal hype man or hype woman. Be their cheerleader! Cheer them on, believe in them, support them. The should no that YOU are their #1 FAN! Marriage does take two! And you cannot make your marriage all good by yourself. BUT you can make it better all by yourself. [image]( We know that the 10 Minute Marriage Challenge won’t magically make all of your marriage problems disappear- BUT we have seen it totally transform relationships! A lot of marriages are in a FUN DEFICIT! If you, or your spouse, are often stressed, overwhelmed, cranky, or irritable- STOP AND ASSESS… - When was the last time you had fun together? Real fun? - How often are you having fun? - Are you laughing and joking? Are you playful? Too often as adults we forget that marriage should be enjoyed! JOIN THE CHALLENGE AND CHOOSE TO ADD MORE ROMANCE & HAPPINESS! ** Don’t wait! Today is THE LAST DAY TO JOIN! ** Doors are closing tonight at midnight mountain time! Put it to the test and see for yourself! Use coupon code 25OFF at checkout to get 25% off! [I WANT CHALLENGE TEXTS! (U.S. Only)](=) [I WANT CHALLENGE EMAILS! (International Challengers)]( [I WANT MORE DEETS!]( Today is the LAST DAY! Doors close at midnight mountain time! [Danica ] P.S. Only hours left! If you have any last-minute questions, send me an email at [divas@thedatingdivas.com](=). [Unsubscribe]( The Dating Divas PO BOX 1038 Kaysville, Utah 84037 United States