Kelly Clarkson Should Be the Next Mariah Carey at Christmas

Everything we can’t stop loving, hating, and thinking about this week in pop culture. [View in Browser]( [Subscribe]( [Image] with Kevin Fallon Everything we can’t stop loving, hating, and thinking about this week in pop culture. This Week: - It’s Kelly Clarkson season. - The epidemic of bad finales. - Vaccine narcissism. - Tainting Lizzie Maguire. - The worst casting news ever. Make the Yuletide Gay If I had to pinpoint the exact moment in this last four-year hellscape when I was reminded there was still hope for humanity, it would probably be when we sent “All I Want For Christmas Is You” [to number one](. You might think this is a gay’s attention-craving hyperbole, and, well, yes it absolutely is. But it is also a reminder of the feeling of “oh wow, that’s actually a really nice thing!” that has risked extinction in recent times—the rare warming of the heart that’s kept it from succumbing to a hypothermic death-by-freezing. It was a long overdue triumph of justice when [Mariah Carey’s indelible Christmas hit]( finally topped the charts. What better treat is there each season than to have your spirits [lifted by holiday music](, and who could deny that the elusive chanteuse’s modern contribution to the canon deserves vaunted status? Now that we accomplished that, it’s time to set our eyes on the next great mission. Let’s do it with Kelly Clarkson, too. [Alternate text] “All I Want For Christmas Is You” is now safe in its holiday domination and celebration. It’s time to turn our attention to “[Underneath the Tree](,” which ranks alongside Carey’s hit as the strongest modern-pop addition to the playlist of holiday classics. While “All I Want For Christmas Is You” lulls you in with that quiet, dramatic, exaggerated tease, “Underneath the Tree” wastes just seconds of throat-clearing before it cannon-blasts you with its wall of sound. Carey has made a meme out of the anticipation for it to be seasonally appropriate to listen to her song, tsk-ing “[not ye](t” before it’s close enough to the holidays. “Underneath the Tree,” then, is like premature ejaculation for the horniest of Christmas-music enthusiasts: “IT’S HAPPENING NOW!” Both songs achieve the marvel of sounding both current and nostalgically retro. (I guess you would call that timeless.) They invoke the ’60s, Phil Spector-esque assault of brass and vocals, but with the polish of a modern-era pop-star voice. The message of the two songs are as innocuous as they are relatable. They’re about longing and the comfort of cozy love with the ultimate Christmas gift: a person to share the holiday with. It’s a malleable message. It works if you already have a Christmas boo, if you have a crush that you hope reaches out over the holidays, or if you’re wistful for a former, or absent, lover. That’s the cleverness of both songs, and why “Underneath the Tree” is so shrewd in following in the footsteps of “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” These are joyous songs when you want them to be. But, like the best Christmas music, there are excruciating pangs of melancholy for those who need to hear them. For every jolly “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” stalwart, there’s someone earnestly messaging Kacey Musgraves to re-record her rendition of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” to [include the original lyrics]( “until then we’ll have to muddle through somehow” instead of the more optimistic “hang a shining star upon the highest bough.” Let the holidays be sad as intended! [Alternate text] Clarkson sings: “Presents, what a beautiful sight / Don’t mean a thing if you ain’t holding me tight / You’re all that I need / Underneath the tree.” Is she grateful that her love is back with her for the holidays? Is she wistfully singing about the one she lost and wishes was here with her now? It’s up for interpretation! Just as is the “you” that Mariah Carey wants for Christmas. But whether bitter remorse or ecstatic swooning, these songs work because they’re perfect pop hooks, sung by perfect pop stars. In some ways, “All I Want For Christmas Is You” reaching number one last year was the certification of Carey’s forever-legend status. Clarkson isn’t there yet, but she’s carving a path as an icon that reflects the new, turbulent age of forging a music career of that stature. There’s obviously the industry turning point of her rise to fame spawning from a reality-TV singing competition. There’s the fight for legitimacy she had to earn because of that platform. There’s been the proof-is-in-the-voice triumph of continued success in spite of a trend toward autotune and image. And then there’s, especially lately, the diversification: Clarkson has roughly 47 jobs, including being the most-liked talk-show host since pre-scandal Ellen. A hit Christmas song is, in the music industry, a bit of a coronation. And who deserves it more than our queen, Kelly Clarkson? The Terrible Flight Attendant Finale Was So Frustrating It’s extremely annoying when people clap after a bumpy landing. Folks, the fact that you thought for a brief second while the plane was doing the “WAP” dance on its way down to the tarmac that you were going to die? That’s someone not doing a good job at doing their job. We pay a lot of money to get on board and expect a smooth landing. This is a very labored metaphor to try to cleverly say I was disappointed in [The Flight Attendant finale](. [Alternate text] I shouldn’t have to tell you not to read further if you don’t want to be spoiled, but do not read further if you do not want to be spoiled. There has been rapturous praise for HBO Max’s soapy thriller starring Kaley Cuoco as an alcoholic flight attendant trying to escape suspicions that she killed a one-night stand. If the praise has been [slightly overblown](, it’s understandable. At a time when we’re all stuck at home and the best bingeing options can seem too labor intensive, it’s a welcome treat to jaunt around the world as a pretty woman attempts to drunkenly solve an international crime and clear her name. But what happened with the series’ finale is the same malfunction of too many recent trashy-thriller series that departed too severely in their final acts. Maybe seduced by this very 2020 thing of being labeled as “prestige” while actually producing throwback camp-crime content, they chase the fool’s errand of being profound while tying things up. But nobody really wants that. They just want dumb fun. It happened with the egregious finale [for The Undoing](, an escapist, twisty series that became undone, pardon the pun, by expectations for it to be much more than that. Perhaps that’s a fault of the marketing, or maybe it’s our own preconceptions when a drama hits HBO starring Nicole Kidman, Hugh Grant, and a murder. It was never supposed to be the elevated Golden-Age series people presumed because of the names involved. It was supposed to be the beach-read romp of a series that climaxed in a helicopter chase down a L.A. highway that gloriously nailed the vibes of a 1975 TV Movie of the Week. In such serious times, I think that’s really what we want. But we’re a little too ashamed to admit that in the age of so much “meaningful” television, that we then sell ourselves on something else and act aghast when it exposes itself for what it is—as evident in the social-media backlash to The Undoing’s outrageous finale. Then there’s The Flight Attendant, which got us blissfully lost and dizzy in a maze of nonsensical plot twists, red herrings, and surprise reveals, only to pivot to egregiously earnest in its final episode. If you, like me, were unsure how the series could possibly tie up the roughly 400 loose yarns in any gratifying way, then you, like me, would be disappointed by this show’s finale. Was it the gay flight attendant randomly kicking open the hotel door wielding a gun and proclaiming “oh yeah, I’m CIA” to justify the randomness? Was it the fact that Lorde (TV’s MVP scene-stealer Michelle Gomez as Miranda) is somehow still alive? That T.R. Knight only got about 30 seconds of screentime? That you thought this whole time that, well, they cast icon Rosie Perez in that role so surely that C-level plot line about the espionage will pay off, and then it absolutely did not in any way, shape, or form? I enjoyed few TV watching experiences this year as much as I did The Flight Attendant. And I even somewhat admire the vibe in the finale that you were reading the last 10 pages of a book where everything needs to be wrapped quickly and ideas are just being thrown at the wall. But it is a letdown to have been coaxed into thinking that you’re on the path to excellence, only to be reminded that you’re mucking through trash. But I guess that’s just 2020’s vibe. Vaccine #Content Is Upon Us Perhaps I’m naive that I hadn’t thought about getting the vaccine to be fodder for #content and likes on social media, but in hindsight, it’s obvious. Some of it is heartwarming. (I cry every time I see a tweet about an essential worker confirming their vaccine appointment.) Some of it is in the center of the heinous 2020 Venn diagram of disturbing, yet insufferable, like all of the screenshots of idiots saying they’re not getting injected with unknown substances [alongside receipts]( of the toilet-water Jungle Juice they once chugged at a frat party. And some of it is celebrity cries for attention. Look, I won’t lie and say I haven’t been workshopping my own vaccine-caption content. (Current, though uncharacteristically blue, draft: “Stick it in, Fauci. I’m ready.) But I think we’re moving onto the next phrase of insufferable social media controversy. That said, this photo of [Great British Baking Show judge Pru Leith]( did give me an immense amount of comfort: [Alternate text] Lizzie Maguire This week, I had no choice but to send this message to former Daily Beast intern/current writer of the best writing on the internet at Mel magazine and noted young person, [Joseph Longo](: [Alternate text] The backstory is that Hilary Duff officially announced this week that a once-planned reboot of Lizzie Maguire is [no longer moving forward](, despite production having already started on episodes. The reasoning is that Disney had wanted a kid-friendly reboot in line with the original series, but Duff and the original creative team had wanted to do a series with content and subject matter in line with where Lizzie would be now as a millennial in her thirties. When the project was announced, [we had jokingly wondered]( if that meant the modern Lizzie Maguire would tackle storylines like not knowing what an insurance deductible was or grappling with the fact that, on the occasion of her 31st birthday, her waistline exploded like a Pillsbury biscuit can being popped open. But on the occasion of the revival being officially canceled, the bright young minds on the internet wanted to know what Disney was trying to shield from the kids. “Let Lizzie Maguire fuck” was an early, if obvious protest in solidarity. But in a way that Mr. Longo assured me was people just having fun and not a reference to something from the series, [a different sex act]( became the rallying cry: [Alternate text] Literally Fly Me to the Moon Dear Daily Beast HR, I will be needing to take the next three weeks off in order to fully contemplate this. [Alternate text] Best, Kevin [Alternate text] - Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom: Soak in—and cry over—the triumphant performance from the late Chadwick Boseman. (Friday on Netflix) - Gay Chorus, Deep South: And then cry some more over this heartfelt documentary about, well, a gay chorus touring the deep South. (Saturday on Pop, Logo, and Pluto TV) - City Hall: One of the year’s best documentaries hits PBS. (Tuesday on PBS) [Alternate text] - The Midnight Sky: George Clooney needs to stop trying to make space happen. (Wednesday on Netflix) - The Stand: Features an all-new ending by Stephen King, if you can last that long. 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