The Straight Dope: In the song “Hotel California,” what does “colitas” mean?

[Send questions for Cecil Adams: cecil@straightdope.com](mailto:cecil@straightdope.com) FOLLOW CECIL ADAMS ON [TWITTER]( AND [FACEBOOK](! [970815.gif] THREADSPOTTING: THE BEST OF THE STRAIGHT DOPE MESSAGE BOARD — 03/15/2019 Write a program. ??? Profit! But who heard of it? [Click here]( for more. STRAIGHT DOPE CLASSIC #1 08/15/1997 Dear Cecil: Just what does "colitis" mean? In the song "Hotel California" by the Eagles the first lines are, "On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair, warm smell of colitis rising up through the air." I remember I tried looking it up at a university library years ago and couldn't find the answer. I know songwriters sometimes make up words, but I didn't see a Dr. Seuss credit on the album. — Wendy Martin, via the Internet Cecil replies: Uh, Wendy. It’s colitas, not colitis. Colitis (pronounced koe-LIE-tis) is an inflammation of the large intestine. You’re probably thinking of that famous Beatles lyric, “the girl with colitis goes by.” [Click here]( for more. STRAIGHT DOPE STAFF REPORT — 06/28/2000 Dear Straight Dope: Why are pistachios colored red? — Vita M. Haake SDStaff Jillgat replies: This practice has an ancient history, rooted in Hindu mythology. The goddess Kali, wild-woman consort to Shiva, is often portrayed naked with a long tongue and bloody fangs. She’s got dark skin and red eyes, wears a necklace of skulls and has a number of arms carrying unspeakable things. She laughs loudly and dances madly. Forget horses — Kali rides lions and tigers. One might think she’s dangerous and out of control, but I tell you, it gives you a sense of peace and security to have her on your side. She is powerfully destructive but also awesomely creative. And it’s not a party unless she’s there. The specific story that spawned the red pistachio tradition was the one about the demon, Raktabija. Nobody could kill this guy. Every drop of his blood landing on the battlefield would transform itself into a mini-Raktabija clone. So pretty soon there was a whole squadron of Raktabijas. The other gods went to Shiva for help, but he was too busy meditating in the forest. (Who could blame him?) Kali rose to the challenge, though. She rode her lion onto the battlefield, long hair flying, fought the demons and unleashed her mighty tongue to catch every drop of Raktabija’s blood before it could hit the ground and transform into another enemy. Needless to say, she won the battle. But she didn’t leave well enough alone. A woman after my own heart, she figured anything worth doing is worth over-doing, and — drunk on Raktabija’s blood — she went on to wreak havoc across the cosmos, annihilating anyone who crossed her path. Shiva finally calmed her down, but most pictures show him under her foot, sometimes with her munching on his intestines. Talk about feasting on your lover. So pistachios were dyed red many centuries ago to represent the drops of Raktabija’s blood captured by Kali’s extraordinary tongue, or perhaps to symbolize her red eyes, or the offerings of blood made to Kali today by her many Hindu worshippers. [Click here]( for more. STRAIGHT DOPE CLASSIC #2 — 02/20/1987 Dear Cecil: For some reason the first of the month always seems to unleash a flood of maudlin memories in my aging landlord, particularly memories of World War II. He's a veteran, and I often hear him singing a certain dirty ditty describing in lurid detail the genital deficiencies of various Axis leaders as he goes about his rounds collecting the rent. The effect is disconcerting, as you can imagine. But now my question: I have heard many versions of this song in the army and often wondered about the validity of the line concerning Hitler. Was he, in fact, fully "endowed," so to speak? Or did he, as the song claims, possess only a single testicle? Was it a congenital defect, or due to some injury? Where did this belief originate? My landlord believes it to this day. Please advise. — B.D., Santa Monica, California Cecil replies: Among conspiracy buffs, this is what is known as (ahem) the lone-nut theory. (Note to the Teeming Millions: Hey, I got a million of ’em.) But let’s get serious. The case of Hitler’s missing testicle is one of many bizarre twists in the life of one of history’s most bizarre hombres. (Another is the never-proven allegation that Hitler’s paternal grandfather was Jewish.) The bit of doggerel favored by your landlord probably goes something like the following, originally sung by British Tommies during World War II to the tune of the “Colonel Bogey March”: Hitler has only got one ball, Goering has two, but very small; Himmler is very sim’lar, And Goebbels has no balls at all. [Click here]( for more. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [View this message as a webpage](. 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