Late Night Jokes: Beyoncé Drops 2 Singles

Late Night Jokes of the Week The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon - A new report just came out that says President Trump made $598 million in income last year. It sounds like a lot, but after taxes ... it was still $598 million. - Trump is running a fundraising contest where the winner gets to have dinner with him. James Comey was like, “Trust me, that is not a good prize. Don’t do it.” #160; - This weekend, Trump took his first trip to Camp David. He spent the whole weekend walking around, exploring the property and looking for the Wi-Fi password. “I gotta tweet! I gotta tweet!”  - I want to say congrats to Beyoncé and Jay-Z, who welcomed twins. The doctor said, “It’s a boy and a girl,” and the twins said, “It’s Jay-Z and Beyoncé! Oh, my gosh!” - People figured out they had a boy and a girl when they saw light blue and bright pink balloons being delivered. Incidentally, Light Blue and Bright Pink are also the names they’re considering for the babies. - Amazon is buying Whole Foods for over $13 billion. It’s a good deal, but they’re going to be mad when they find out they could have bought Trader Joe’s for $6 billion. [Prayer Strengthens the Brain and Helps Fight Dementia]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Conan - Yesterday, President Trump’s lawyer insisted that Trump is not under investigation. He added, “And you can trust me, I’m Donald Trump’s lawyer.” - The Discovery Channel announced that Michael Phelps will compete against a shark in a swimming race. Meanwhile, Ryan Lochte will compete against a shark in a spelling bee. - The Supreme Court ruled that a company has the legal right to have an offensive name. In other words, Trump Tower is going to stay Trump Tower. Tip: [How to Retire Comfortably on $2,000]( --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Late Show With James Corden - The big news over the weekend is that Beyoncé’s twins are here! Beyoncé’s father announced on Twitter that she gave birth last week to two healthy twins weighing in at 6 pounds, 7 “oncés.” - I hope everyone had a good Father’s Day. Or as the Trump children call it, a day. - There have been more legal problems for Donald Trump. One of the president’s lawyers claimed over the weekend that Trump is not under investigation. Which should come as a surprise to Trump, because he tweeted this out a couple of days ago: “I am being investigated.” - This can’t be easy for Trump’s lawyers. Like, they’re representing someone who lies even more than they do. And lying is their job. ALERT: [These 5 Things Activate Cancer in Your Body]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Jimmy Kimmel Live! - I don’t know if we should have cards for Father’s Day. For Mother’s Day, they’re sweet with nice messages. Father’s Day cards fit into four major categories [shows cards]: golf, fishing, barbecue, beer. - And beer. And beer. And beer and beer. [shows card that reads “Beer Is the Answer”] What kind of message is this? “Dad, you are a potbellied drunk and we’re sending you to rehab after you finish mowing the lawn.” We need to mix it up a little. Either the cards need to change, or we do. - Over the weekend it was reported the president is planning to appoint the person who will oversee billions of dollars as head of the Department of Housing and Urban Development for the states of New York and New Jersey. And that person is — drumroll, please — his son Eric’s wedding planner! For real, she planned his wedding. I guess she did a good job. - Her name is Lynne Patton. She has no experience in urban or housing development but has incredible reviews on Yelp. Almost five stars. And she really knows her way around a centerpiece. [Prostate Size Can Greatly Affect Quality of Life and Sleep. What Size Is Yours? See This Photo.]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Late Night With Seth Meyers - During a meeting with the president of Panama today, President Trump said, “We did a good job building the Panama Canal,” despite the fact that the canal was constructed over a century ago. Mr. President, if you’re going to keep saying stuff this dumb in front of other world leaders, could you at least wear a big bandage on your head? You know, so it seems like there’s a reason. - “Oh, your president has suffered an injury, that explains it. We’ll come back later.” - Former FBI Director James Comey was reportedly seen dancing this weekend at a wedding in Washington, D.C. Gotta say, I’m impressed. If I had read that many of Anthony Weiner’s emails, I don’t think I’d ever dance again. - The big day finally arrived. Beyoncé gave birth to twins this weekend. And this is surprising: Their names are Kevin and Linda. - According to a new survey, about 1 in 5 dads said they feel guilty about not being present enough with their children. Then again, 1 out of 5 dads is all they could find. - Two Australian farmers recently created a kind of vodka made from carrots. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to rabbit bachelorette parties. - A Canadian family was reunited with their pet cat last week after he went missing over 10 years ago. That story again: A Canadian family has gullible children. [Reverse Type 2 Diabetes, New Strategies Show How]( --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Show With Stephen Colbert - Last week, The Washington Post reported that the president was under investigation for obstruction of justice — but, of course, that is just speculation from a hostile newspaper using anonymous sources, so Donald Trump did the smart thing and made no comment. I’m just kidding. - On Friday, he tweeted, “I am being investigated for firing the FBI director by the man who told me to fire the FBI director! Witch hunt.” Mr. President, you know the phrase “You better lawyer up?” It’s short for “You better get a lawyer — and shut up.” - Trump’s tweet doesn’t just confirm that he’s under investigation. It also blames Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein. Rosenstein is the man who Trump said told him to fire the FBI director — in a letter that Trump asked him to write. It’s all summed up by the famous plaque on the president’s desk: “The buck stops wherever I told Rod to tell me it should!” #160; - Because Rosenstein was in on talks about firing Comey, he may need to recuse himself from the Russia probe. He would be the third member of this investigation to be gone, after Attorney General Jeff Sessions and former FBI Director James Comey. It’s all in the latest season of “Survivor: Justice Department Island.”  [Leading Heart Doctor Confirms Dead Come Back to Life, See Story]( --------------------------------------------------------------- You received this Late Night Jokes email because you subscribed to it or someone forwarded it to you. Click here to [unsubscribe]( from our list. We respect your right to privacy. [View our policy](. This email was sent by: Reagan Reports for America 1501 Northpoint Parkway, Suite 104 West Palm Beach, FL 33407 USA