Late Night Jokes: Valentine Freak-Outs

Late Night Jokes of the Week The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon - Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! Which means in 24 hours, guys all across the country will be telling their loved ones, “I thought you said we weren’t doing gifts this year.” - One of the more popular Valentine’s Day gifts this year is gym memberships. ’Cuz what better way to say I love you than by saying, “You’re fat and I want you out of the house.” - Adele was the big winner at the Grammys last night. But get this — after winning for Best Album, Adele said she thought Beyoncé should have won instead. Then Kanye was like, “Damn, she beat me to it!” and went back to his seat. - During his performance with A Tribe Called Quest, Busta Rhymes referred to President Trump as “President Agent Orange.” Then the Secret Service said, “Great, now he needs a new code name!” - This weekend at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida, President Trump apparently discussed sensitive information about a North Korean missile launch in front of waiters and other guests. The guests said they won’t share what they overheard, while the waiter said [speaks in Russian accent], “No promises.” - I saw that someone at Mar-a-Lago posted a Facebook photo with the man carrying the bag with the nuclear launch codes. Even worse, the bag was a purse from the Ivanka Trump collection. - Yesterday the U.S. Department of Education incorrectly spelled the name of civil rights activist W.E.B. Du Bois in a tweet. They then followed that up — and this is real — by tweeting “our deepest apologizes for the earlier typo.” - The big movie at the box office this weekend was “The Lego Batman Movie,” which actually beat “Fifty Shades Darker.” And “Fifty Shades” loved it. [Prayer Strengthens the Brain and Helps Fight Dementia]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Conan - Scott Baio said he is furious with Nordstrom for dropping Ivanka Trump’s clothing line. But mostly, Baio’s mad at Nordstrom for cutting his hours working in the stockroom. - On Valentine’s Day, the most popular search terms on Pornhub are “love” and “romance.” Those searches result in the message, “What’s your problem? This is Pornhub.” - Last night at the Grammys, Adele started a tribute to George Michael but messed up and so she started over. She was on such a roll that she won the Grammy for Best Mistake. - Adele won five Grammys while Beyoncé only won two. And if that weren’t enough, Adele then announced she was pregnant with triplets. - Scientists are hoping to use quinoa to fight world hunger. After hearing this, hungry people all around the world said, “Actually, we’re good.” - At an international tennis match, U.S. officials accidentally played the Nazi national anthem. White House adviser Steve Bannon was outraged and said, “We’re not rolling that out till August — c’mon!” - The U.S. Army has officially lifted its ban on soldiers having dreadlocks. This is good news for the Army’s elite Hacky Sack Corps. Tip: [How to Retire Comfortably on $2,000]( --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Late Show With James Corden - The Grammys were incredible — you want to talk about bold performances, Cee Lo Green came to the Grammys dressed head-to-toe in gold. He looks like he escaped from a secret room in Trump Tower. - He waved at me before the show and I was like, “Wait, am I at a science fiction convention? Did I go to Comic-Con by mistake?” - You know that costume probably seemed like a good idea yesterday, and tonight Cee Lo’s still finding gold paint in all kinds of places. - Yesterday an official government tweet was posted for Black History Month, celebrating civil rights activist W.E.B. Du Bois. There were two problems with the tweet. One was Du Bois’ name was spelled wrong — and the other problem was the tweet was posted by the Department of Education. Now, I know Republicans don’t believe there should be a Department of Education but this seems like the wrong way to prove it. - But it gets worse: They tweeted an apology for their mistake. It says, “Our deepest apologizes.” Well, apologizes accepted. - I don’t know who at the Department of Education wrote this tweet, but whoever it is should have been held back a year. Or at least make them go back and repeat Black History Month. ALERT: [These 5 Things Activate Cancer in Your Body]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Jimmy Kimmel Live! - This is the president’s second weekend in a row at Mar-a-Lago, the resort he owns in Palm Beach, where he played golf and dined with the prime minister of Japan, Shinzo Abe. So on Saturday night they got the news that North Korea test-launched an intermediate-range missile. They decided to work that out over dinner, at a table in the middle of the Mar-a-Lago dining room surrounded by members of this club. Instead of getting and up going somewhere private they continued to eat while advisers rushed back and forth to the table handing them documents alongside the busboys handing them food. They used the flashlights on their cellphones to read these documents, like old men trying to see a menu. And in the end, they decided to impose more sanctions and also to split a tiramisu. - You know, if you’re going to hold a classified meeting in a public place, you do it somewhere where there aren’t any people. Like a RadioShack, for instance. - Today the president was back at work in Washington, D.C. He met with the Canadian prime minister, Justin Trudeau. Went OK. They shook hands for a reasonable amount of time, which was good. Am I the only one who gets nervous every time he meets a new world leader? It’s like introducing a heavily tattooed girlfriend to your parents. - Tomorrow, by the way, is Valentine’s Day. This is the first you’re hearing it? Good luck with your next marriage. - The funniest place to be on Valentine’s Day is the drugstore checkout line at around 7 p.m. The only place you’ll see desperation like that is at a casino in Vegas, standing in line for the ATM. - I have to say it’s kind of unromantic that Valentine’s Day falls on Tuesday. Tuesday is -- not even “The Bachelor” has sex on a Tuesday. - Have you seen the White House Valentine’s Day cards? These are cards like the ones kids give out in school, but each of these features a character from the Trump administration. We have Dr. Ben Carson, “Loving you isn’t brain surgery.” Kellyanne Conway, “My love for you is as real as the Bowling Green Massacre.” Steve Bannon, “Will you be mein?” Press secretary Sean Spicer, “Help me fake my death, Valentine.” That’s dark. - Trump’s sons, Eric and Donald Jr., “Love is blind, unlike the trust we run for our father.” Vice President Mike Pence, “This is a totally heterosexual Valentine’s card between a man and a woman.” Vlad Putin, “Your love makes you weak.” First lady Melania Trump, “I almost love you enough to leave New York.” And finally President Trump, “I’m building a wall around your heart and making you pay for it.” [Prostate Size Can Greatly Affect Quality of Life and Sleep. What Size Is Yours? See This Photo.]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Late Night With Seth Meyers - President Trump will reportedly have lunch with Chris Christie tomorrow. ”Just the salad, please,” said Christie when asked if there was anything on the menu he didn’t want. - During their Grammy performance last night, rap group A Tribe Called Quest referred to President Trump as President Agent Orange. It’s the closest Trump has come to being involved in Vietnam. - Today was Clean Out Your Computer Day. And, if you’re a 14-year-old boy, use bleach. [Reverse Type 2 Diabetes, New Strategies Show How]( --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Show With Stephen Colbert - This week Donald Trump took Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe down to Mar-a-Lago. They were eating their dinners when they received news that North Korea had test-launched a ballistic missile. This is a provocation by a rogue nuclear state, so President Trump immediately retreated to a secure location where he could be briefed on the details. I'm just kidding! - Trump took the call on his cellphone at the table and the meal quickly morphed into a strategy session in full view of the fellow diners. That’s right, Trump’s team handled an international crisis like teens at an after-prom party looking at Derek’s Instagram. - Other diners even posted Facebook photos of Trump and Abe looking at what one imagines are classified documents by the light of someone’s cellphone flash light. But I’m sure those documents are secure unless that cellphone flash light also somehow has a camera attached to it. - Another guy posted Facebook photos of himself with the guy who carries around the nuclear launch codes, identifying the staffer by name. “This is Rick. Rick is the man.” Or more accurately, Rick WAS the man, until his identity was compromised next to the carving station. - The guy has since taken down the Facebook post. And I can’t blame him. He only got 20 likes. A post about the nuclear launch codes really should have blown up. - This week the Department of Homeland Security said that Trump’s border wall is going to cost $21.6 billion. But, Trump adviser Stephen Miller says it is a good investment [clip of Miller]: “This wall will pay for itself many, many, many times over.” It will pay for ITSELF? I thought Mexico was paying for it. Now Trump’s going to make the wall pay for the wall? That’s not fair. [Leading Heart Doctor Confirms Dead Come Back to Life, See Story]( --------------------------------------------------------------- You received this Late Night Jokes email because you subscribed to it or someone forwarded it to you. Click here to [unsubscribe]( from our list. We respect your right to privacy. [View our policy](. This email was sent by: Reagan Reports for America 1501 Northpoint Parkway, Suite 104 West Palm Beach, FL 33407 USA