Late Night Jokes: From Russia With Love (for Trump)

Late Night Jokes of the Week The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon - Bryan Cranston is on the show tonight. He is starring in the new movie “Why Him?” And believe it or not, it’s actually not about the election. - According to The Washington Post, the CIA found that Russia interfered in the election to help Donald Trump win the presidency. Experts say this is the biggest scandal America’s faced for decades, and the biggest scandal Trump’s faced since Friday. - Of course, Russia faced several obstacles in helping Trump win — namely Trump. - Christmas is just a couple of weeks away and experts say that one of this year’s most popular children’s toys for the holidays is My Little Pony Crystal Empire Castle. Once again, this year’s least popular toy is My Little Pony Crystal Meth RV. - The Better Business Bureau just released a list of the top 10 holiday scams to avoid. And get this, the list only cost me $200. - The Hallmark Channel is coming under fire for having mostly white actors as the stars of their Christmas movies. Then Hallmark said, “That’s not true. None of the actors in our movies are stars.” - An Uber driver just set the company’s record for longest ride by driving a passenger 400 miles from Virginia to Brooklyn. Afterwards, the driver said, “Thanks for letting me share my life story. I feel like we really bonded.” And the passenger said [mimes removing earbuds], “I’m sorry, did you say omething?” [Prayer Strengthens the Brain and Helps Fight Dementia] --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Late Show With James Corden - There are reports that Donald Trump has been meeting with Mark Burnett, the creator of “The Apprentice,” to plan next month’s inauguration ceremony. If Omarosa swears this guy in, I’m moving back to England. - Is the whole thing going to be reality show-themed? Instead of Trump putting his hand on the Bible, the chief justice of the Supreme Court is just going to hand him a rose. - I understand to get to the White House he won an “Amazing Race.” Out of the dozens of candidates, Trump was the “Survivor.” Even though, according to the popular vote, he was “The Biggest Loser.” But this is “The Real World.” - Trump may be a populist, but we don’t need this type of “American Idol” worship. America is facing real problems, and we need to give all the people of this nation a voice — no, “THE Voice.” Not just to your daughter Ivanka, or Donald Jr., her “Big Brother.” - That’s why, Donald Trump, I have three words for you: “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” - In other news, a restaurant just opened in the Kurdistan region of Iraq. It’s called Trump Fish, and it’s a fish restaurant with an unauthorized Donald Trump logo. They stole Trump’s face and name. Should be fine, Donald Trump never sues anyone. - If you wanted to open a Trump-themed seafood restaurant, why call it Trump Fish? Just call it Orange Lobster. - If you’re thinking about going there, you should remember at Trump Fish there are no utensils. You just … grab whatever you want. - There’s a new dating app called Airdates which functions like a Tinder in the sky, allowing you to hook up with other people on your flight. It’s a fun way to join the mile-high club. Not to be confused with the rock-bottom club, which is when you have sex on a Greyhound bus. - Although, this doesn’t sound classy either. Ladies, do you really want to go on a date where the guy is going to say, “Order whatever you want. The Pringles, the pretzels — go nuts. No seriously, the nuts are free.” - I have to say, this sounds a little risky meeting someone for the first time. I mean, who wants to go on a date where the only way you can leave is if you have a parachute? ALERT: [These 5 Things Activate Cancer in Your Body] --------------------------------------------------------------- Jimmy Kimmel Live! - The CIA says they believe that Russian hackers interfered with our elections, specifically to help Donald Trump win. But Trump says that’s ridiculous — there’s no way to know if the hackers were from Russia or China or some guy sitting on a bed someplace. - Nonetheless, a bipartisan group, including Republican Sens. John McCain and Mitch McConnell, are calling for an investigation, and Trump does not like that at all. He refuses to point a finger at Russia. Why would he? He’ll be up for re-election in four years, he might need them again. - Some people are saying we should vote all over again. Which, this election, is like the killer in a horror movie — just when you think it’s over, he pops up in the back seat, it’s going to get you again. - New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who really carried Donald Trump’s golf clubs for the last six months, will now officially not be a part of his Cabinet. According to CNN, Gov. Christie, who reportedly wanted to be attorney general, turned down multiple jobs, including secretary of Homeland Security, secretary of Veterans Affairs, and ambassador to Italy. I love the idea that Trump offered him an ambassadorship to the country that has the best food. “I know you’re disappointed we didn’t pick you for vice president or attorney general, but how would you like to go to the country that invented pizza?” [Prostate Size Can Greatly Affect Quality of Life and Sleep. What Size Is Yours? See This Photo.] --------------------------------------------------------------- Late Night With Seth Meyers - Organizers have announced that Donald Trump will attend two inaugural balls during his first week in office. One in Washington, D.C., and then, of course, the real one in Moscow. - Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid recently said in an interview that Donald Trump is “not as bad as I thought he would be.” Geez buddy, how low were your expectations? - Harry Reid is the guy that gets a rat in his bucket at KFC and says, “Well, they’re trying their best.” - Hillary Clinton gave a speech last week criticizing the epidemic of fake news being spread … or maybe she didn’t. - China’s highest court ruled last week that Michael Jordan owns the rights to his name in Chinese characters. “I thought that meant ‘bravery,’” said a girl with a lower back tattoo. - Qantas Airlines is set to launch a new 17½-hour flight from Australia to London, which will be the longest nonstop route in the world. Beating the current record, a road trip with your dad. “No, we’re not stopping. Use the jug!” [Reverse Type 2 Diabetes, New Strategies Show How] --------------------------------------------------------------- You received this Late Night Jokes email because you subscribed to it or someone forwarded it to you. Click here to [unsubscribe] from our list. We respect your right to privacy. [View our policy]. This email was sent by: Reagan Reports for America 1501 Northpoint Parkway, Suite 104 West Palm Beach, FL 33407 USA