Late Night Jokes of the Week
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
- Last night, on “60 Minutes,” Donald Trump gave his first TV interview since being elected — and get this, he said that he will only take $1 a year as president. All part of Trump’s unending commitment to never pay taxes.
- Trump said that he would not accept the standard $400,000 salary that presidents get. That story again: Trump made his first deal as president-elect and lost almost $400,000.
- After Donald Trump met with President Obama, Trump seemed surprised by the scope of the president’s duties. Trump said, “Who knew?” And Hillary was like, “I did.”
- I want to say happy birthday to Prince Charles, who turned 68 today. His friends got him a cake, which was nice until Queen Elizabeth popped out of it and shouted, “Still here!”
- Apple just released a new app that lets you read books with your kids on your TV. Or as dads put it, “Yeah, this ‘book’ is about the Patriots-Seahawks game, and it’s a thriller.”
- Scientists have discovered that rats actually enjoy being tickled and even have their own version of laughing. Scientists were very excited about this discovery, while everyone else was like, “How’s that Zika cure coming along?”
- Did anyone see the super moon? This is the biggest super moon in 69 years. It happens when the moon appears bigger because it’s much closer to the Earth than usual. Apparently 2016’s been so crazy that even the moon was like, “I’ve got to see this for myself.”
[Prayer Strengthens the Brain and Helps Fight Dementia]
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Conan
- During the interview last night on “60 Minutes,” Donald Trump said, “I’m a very sober person.” After hearing this, half of America said, “So were we, until last Tuesday.”
- Donald TrumpÂ’s children are helping him transition to the White House. Right now 10-year-old Barron Trump is interviewing the next head of the NSA.
- Work has begun at Chernobyl on a giant concrete and steel arch thatÂ’s going to cover the site of the reactor that exploded in 1986. Even crazier, they want to make Mexico pay for it.
- According to scientists, the moon is the closest itÂ’s been to the Earth since 1948. Apparently, the moon is worried and wants to know what the hell is going on down here.
- On “60 Minutes” last night, Donald Trump said he wishes his campaign’s tone had been “nicer” and more “on policy.” Trump said, “But then, I would have lost.”
- Donald Trump has stated he wants to make it easier to sue journalists. He also wants to use the Second Amendment to shoot the First Amendment.
Tip: [How to Retire Comfortably on $2,000]
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The Late Late Show With James Corden
- Last night, the moon appeared larger than normal because it was closer to the Earth. Astronomers call it a super moon. You know what wasnÂ’t super? Any of your Instagram photos of the super moon.
- I have to imagine at this point, the moon is just getting really close so it can look down on us, like, “What the hell is going on down there?!”
- Famed astronomer Neil deGrasse Tyson mocked the hype and said if you had a 15-inch pizza that became a 16-inch pizza, would you call that a super pizza? And I think I speak for everyone when I say that depends whatÂ’s on it.
- Meanwhile back on Earth, Facebook experienced a glitch over the weekend where it accidentally posted death notifications for millions of users who are still alive. Once they saw that their friends died, most people were like, “So what do I go with here? The crying face, the angry face? Just a plain old ‘like’ button?”
- You think itÂ’s bad when your friends donÂ’t wish you a happy birthday on Facebook, imagine when they donÂ’t say anything after you die on Facebook.
- In other news, Donald Trump continued with his White House transition over the weekend, appointing RNC chair Reince Priebus as his White House chief of staff. A lot of people are questioning this new appointment, and the biggest question people have is: Is it pronounced Rinse? Is it Rance? Reyoncé?
- Rumors are circulating that Donald Trump has been telling his advisers that he plans to spend his weekends in his Trump Tower penthouse in New York City instead of the White House. I donÂ’t think thatÂ’s what voters meant when they said they wanted a Washington outsider.
- If he does decide to live in Trump Tower, presidential historians tell us this is the first time a sitting president will be living above a Niketown.
- I love that Trump thinks he can just take off back to New York. Just imagine Trump on a Friday afternoon at the White House asking his national security adviser, “Hey, you think this ISIS briefing will be over by 6:00? It’s just I’ve got a thing.”
- When Hillary Clinton found out Trump wasn’t planning on staying in the White House on weekends, she was like, “Since you’re not going to be there . . .”
ALERT: [These 5 Things Activate Cancer in Your Body]
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Jimmy Kimmel Live!
- Hopefully by now youÂ’ve come to terms with the fact that no matter how much you drink, the results of the election are not going to change.
- I’ve been having dreams about this election. It’s in my head. Remember when the song “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” just got in there and you couldn’t shake it? It’s like that, except without the “don’t worry” part.
- President Obama held a press conference today, his first since the election. At which every one of the reporters asked him about Donald Trump. A few of them tried to get Obama to say something insulting about Trump but he didn’t bite, he was very diplomatic. He says he hopes Donald Trump makes things better, plans to do everything he can to help them. In other words, “Good luck, dummies, I’m out of here!”
- ItÂ’s hard to tell because he was standing in front of a podium, but IÂ’m pretty sure he was wearing shorts.
- Meanwhile, protests continue across the United States. This afternoon a group of student protesters for some reason decided to storm a local mall. It got a little bit crazy. The good news is this is the first time in almost five years that anyone under the age 21 has been to a mall. Good for Orange Julius, I guess.
- During a “60 Minutes” interview, Trump said going forward, he will be “very restrained” on Twitter and Facebook. So, the interview was taped Friday, and then on Sunday — two days later — he went on a tirade against The New York Times on Twitter. But he didn’t use all caps! Baby steps. It’s something, right? Lowercase.
- Facebook is now planning to weed out the bogus news stories that show up on your feed. Mark Zuckerberg has promised to crack down on what he calls fake news. HeÂ’s also calling BS on your happy anniversary posts. NobodyÂ’s buying it.
[Prostate Size Can Greatly Affect Quality of Life and Sleep. What Size Is Yours? See This Photo.]
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Late Night With Seth Meyers
- During an interview yesterday, Donald Trump told his supporters not to harass Latinos and Muslims. “Uh-oh,” said black people.
- Donald Trump told supporters last night not to harass Latinos and Muslims, saying, “I will say right to the cameras, ‘Stop it’” — and then he winked so hard his wig unsnapped.
- According to The New York Times, Donald Trump wants to continue holding large rallies after he takes office — and Hillary Clinton wants to continue hiking deeper and deeper into the woods.
- Despite promising to repeal Obamacare, Donald Trump says this weekend that he will likely keep some of the law’s most popular features. How about the “Obama” part? That’s pretty popular. If I liked my president, can I keep my president?
- President Obama departed tonight for his final foreign trip as president, where he is expected to explain Donald Trump’s election to world leaders in Greece, Peru, and Germany. Germany was like, “Don’t bother, we get the gist.” As the Germans say, “Been there, done that.”
- A new study revealed that having a pint of beer every day can help prevent strokes and heart disease — so this one is on me, Justice Ginsburg. Keep going.
- A new scientific study shows rats are capable of laughter if they are tickled the correct way. The rats were like, “Why aren’t you trying to cure cancer?”
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