Late Night Jokes: Obama Stumps for Kate Upton

Late Night Jokes of the Week The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon - A new poll finds that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a statistical tie just a week from Election Day. But on the bright side, at least Trump’s finally in a tie that was made in America. - The big story right now is the World Series. Tonight was Game 7 between the Chicago Cubs and the Cleveland Indians. The Cubs actually came back from being down three games to one, to force a seventh game. That’s right, Cleveland had a big lead, and then it disappeared. Or as Hillary Clinton put it, “FBI.” - A pair of tickets to tonight’s Game 7 sold on StubHub for almost $40,000. And the couple still left in the seventh inning to beat traffic. “Get your purse, Linda, we’ll catch the end on the radio.” - Both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have run national commercials during the World Series games, marking the only time Cubs and Indians fans were booing at the same time. - On Monday, the White House announced plans to give the president’s official Twitter account to the next president. Hillary was like, “Forget the nuclear codes. We cannot trust Donald Trump with our nation’s Twitter handle.” - There’s a week until the election and the polls just keep coming. In fact, a new poll finds that 73 percent of Tinder users support Hillary Clinton over Donald Trump. Which makes sense because people on Tinder are used to looking at their options and going, “I guess.” - Apple’s new iOS update actually changed the peach emoji so that it no longer looks like a cartoon butt. - A tech blogger in California used a weather balloon to drop an iPhone from the edge of space, at 100,000 feet in the air, to see what would happen — and still, somehow the phone landed in the guy’s toilet. [Prayer Strengthens the Brain and Helps Fight Dementia] --------------------------------------------------------------- Conan - Wednesday night at the Apollo is usually amateur night, but since our show is here tonight, we’re going to aim lower than that — and we will hit it! - What an insane week this is. The Cubs may win the World Series, Donald Trump may be elected president, and the whitest man in America is on stage at the Apollo! It’s officially the end of days, ladies and gentlemen. This was prophesied in the Bible. - The rumor now is that there’s a Donald Trump sex tape. Yes! In response, Trump is saying, “Vote for me or I’ll release it. “ - Yesterday, in a speech, President Obama said that when voting, young men should look deep inside themselves. So, as of an hour ago, the front-runner is Kate Upton. Tip: [How to Retire Comfortably on $2,000] --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Late Show With James Corden - It was National Stress Awareness Day today and due to the election, plenty of people have something to be stressed about. In fact, when asked on a scale of one to 10 how stressed they are right now, most voters punched the pollster in the face. - If you think it is stressful for you, at least you can vote. I’m British. I’m on the sidelines. To me, this is just the most important season of “The Bachelor” ever. Give her the rose, America. - Now a lot of voters’ stress has been caused by the bombshell FBI Director James Comey dropped on Friday when he said he was going to investigate more emails on Hillary’s private server. Trump’s feeling so sure of himself now that he actually asked early Hillary voters in Wisconsin to change their vote if they have “buyer’s remorse.” Yeah, and if anyone knows about buyer’s remorse, it is the guy who gets remarried every few years. - In fact, buyer’s remorse is the only thing that anyone learned from enrolling at Trump University. - If anyone has buyer’s remorse, it’s the Republican Party, isn’t it? They’re like, “Can I exchange this Trump for a Marco Rubio? What’s that, you only have a Ben Carson? Don’t worry, we’re fine.” - No matter what side you’re on, people are stressed about what’s about to happen after the election. In fact, things have gotten so crazy that Joe Walsh, a former Republican congressman, tweeted: “On Nov. 8, I’m voting for Trump. On Nov. 9, if Trump loses, I’m grabbing my musket.” To be honest, it is just nice to hear a Republican saying is he going to grab something that’s not part of a woman. ALERT: [These 5 Things Activate Cancer in Your Body] --------------------------------------------------------------- Late Night With Seth Meyers - Tonight was Game 7 of the World Series between the Chicago Cubs and the Cleveland Indians. Now we taped this show before the game, so we don’t know the outcome, but if you live in one of those cities, and you’re watching me right now, I’m so sorry you lost. Because if you won, you’re not watching this right now. - Sources are saying that it’s unlikely that the new FBI probe into Hillary Clinton’s emails will be completed by Election Day. Instead, FBI Director James Comey plans to announce the results during her inauguration ceremony. “Hold on! Hold on! Put down that Bible! I have an announcement.” - Former Congressman Anthony Weiner has reportedly checked into rehab for sex addiction after his numerous sexting scandals. Weiner has asked for privacy and also the Wi-Fi password. - After the KKK’S official newspaper endorsed Donald Trump yesterday, the campaign released a response calling the paper “repulsive, also their crossword puzzle is way too easy.” [shows crossword with letter “K” in every square] - A recent study found that always letting children win games in competitions could damage their ability to learn. Which is scary, because [shows picture of pouting Trump] we’re six days away from letting the biggest child win the biggest game. - In anticipation of her victory, Hillary Clinton has reportedly planned a fireworks show over the Hudson River for election night. Oh god, remember how excited she got over balloons? What’s she going to do if she sees fireworks? [Reverse Type 2 Diabetes, New Strategies Show How] --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Show With Stephen Colbert - A lot of Democrats are blaming [the tightening race on] FBI Director James Comey’s bombshell announcement last week that Huma Abedin also uses email. We didn’t know. Nobody knew! It was a shocker. - It looks like the FBI is trying to hurt Hillary’s campaign, which has a lot of people upset. Mostly Russia. That’s THEIR gig. - And now, the FBI just released documents from their 2001 probe into Bill Clinton’s pardon of shady billionaire Marc Rich. This is a clear breach of protocol. If the FBI is going to release documents from 2001, you do it on Throwback Thursday. - Women on the U.S. Olympic team won more medals than the men, and perhaps most excitingly, Bono has been named the first man on Glamour’s Women of the Year list. You did it, ladies! Congratulations. Women have come so far, now you’re men. - I assume for Bono to be on this list, every other woman has already gotten one of these. - According to Glamour’s editor-in-chief, they included a man because “there are so many men who really are doing wonderful things for women these days. Some men get it, and Bono is one of those guys.” It’s like that old saying: In front of every great woman stands a guy who really gets it. [Leading Heart Doctor Confirms Dead Come Back to Life, See Story] --------------------------------------------------------------- You received this Late Night Jokes email because you subscribed to it or someone forwarded it to you. Click here to [unsubscribe] from our list. We respect your right to privacy. [View our policy]. This email was sent by: Reagan Reports for America 1501 Northpoint Parkway, Suite 104 West Palm Beach, FL 33407 USA