Late Night Jokes: The Real October Surprise

Late Night Jokes of the Week The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon - I want to say congratulations to the Chicago Cubs and the Cleveland Indians, who are set to play each other in the World Series! Or as voters put it, “Finally – a crazy match-up we can actually ENJOY!” - The Cubs are going to the World Series for the first time in 71 years! And if you remember the last time the Cubs were in the World Series, congratulations on staying up this late. - One of the big stories about the Cubs is the so-called “Curse of the Billy Goat,” which occurred back in the '40s when they turned a fan and his pet goat away because goats aren’t allowed in the ballpark. Or as hot dog vendors put it, “That’s what YOU think.” - On Friday, a massive cyber-attack brought down several websites for 11 hours, including Twitter. Experts say it was the best thing to happen to Donald Trump’s campaign in weeks. - Speaking of Donald Trump, his son Eric was out on the campaign trail, and a lot of people online noticed that Eric was photographed at an In-N-Out Burger holding a free water cup that was filled with lemonade. While the employee who gave it to him said, “That wasn’t lemonade.” - This weekend, President Obama proposed new rules to improve air travel, including refunds if your bag doesn’t show up. When asked why he decided to announce the proposals now, Obama said, “Because in two months, I’m back to flying commercial!” [Prayer Strengthens the Brain and Helps Fight Dementia] --------------------------------------------------------------- Conan - Over the weekend in Gettysburg, Donald Trump told a crowd that as soon as the election ends he will sue the women accusing him of sexual misconduct. It’s being called "the second greatest Gettysburg Address in history." - On Friday, a cyber-attack shut down Amazon, CNN, and Twitter. Apparently, the cyber-terrorists shut down Amazon first, then Amazon suggested they may also like CNN and Twitter. - Last Friday, Amazon, CNN, and Twitter were down all over the United States. It’s a chilling day that will one day be known in history as "Productive Friday." - There is a new bike lock that prevents theft by releasing a gas that makes a robber throw up if they cut the lock. So, the good news is: Your bike wasn’t stolen. The bad news: It’s covered in robber vomit. - During a campaign event at a Florida pumpkin patch, Donald Trump met with pumpkin farmers. There was an awkward moment when one of the pumpkin farmers tried to carve Trump’s head. Tip: [How to Retire Comfortably on $2,000] --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Late Show With James Corden - Hillary's voters are now more excited to vote for Hillary than Trump voters are to vote for Trump. Which is crazy because getting excited about Hillary is like getting excited about taking your car in for an oil change. It's not fun, but the alternative is your car bursting into flames. - I can't imagine why people are less excited about voting for Trump, but I guess it could have something to do with insulting women, insulting minorities, bragging about sexual assault, making fun of disabled people, making fun of military veterans, making fun of NFL players who get concussions, antagonizing fellow Republicans, not releasing his taxes, not having any real political platform, banning journalists, re-tweeting white supremacists, and having hair that looks like a poorly constructed scarecrow. Other than that, I've no idea where he lost people. - Trump has received his first and only endorsement from a major newspaper — the Las Vegas Review-Journal said that Trump does not represent the danger his critics claim. Which is not exactly a ringing endorsement. That's like a restaurant review that says this place probably won't even give you food poisoning. ALERT: [These 5 Things Activate Cancer in Your Body] --------------------------------------------------------------- Late Night With Seth Meyers - Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway admitted this weekend that Donald Trump is trailing Hillary Clinton. Said Conway, "No, literally, he's trailing her." - Donald Trump said at a rally this weekend that Hillary Clinton was exhausted and weak after the debates. Yeah, probably because you kept sniffing all the oxygen out of the room. - Many news outlets are saying Donald Trump will almost certainly pivot to media and launch his own TV network after the election. Which means as early as next year we could see Trump TV filing for bankruptcy. - President Obama last week said that this year's election is like Dante's "Inferno." Well that's fine, as long as it doesn't turn into a disco inferno. - Samsung announced recently that people who turn in their recalled Galaxy Note 7 phones will be eligible for a free Note 8 next year when it debuts. Said customers, "I'm not falling for it. I've been burned by Samsung before." [Reverse Type 2 Diabetes, New Strategies Show How] --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Show With Stephen Colbert - The Chicago Cubs are going to the World Series! The Cubs are playing another lovable loser, the Cleveland Indians. The two teams have a combined 176 years without a championship. To put that in perspective, that is almost as long as a baseball game feels. - The last time the Cubs were in the World Series was in 1945, way back when they played Hitler [shows picture of Hitler in baseball uniform]. He was pretty good in the early game but then he popped out in the ninth inning, and that was how America won World War II. - Cleveland hasn't won a World Series since 1948, back when their mascot, Chief Wahoo, was the least racist thing about America. - Speaking of single-minded, century-long quests for victory at all costs, Hillary Clinton is in the news. As a native Chicagoan, Hillary Clinton's a lifelong Cubs fan. In fact, a picture of her reacting to the Cubs win went viral over the weekend. [show photo of wide-eyed Hillary's reaction] She hasn't been this excited since that time she saw shiny balloons [shows photo of Hillary with same expression from Democratic National Convention]. - It's really a feel-good story — a Chicagoan excited about the Cubs' win . . . [sinister voice] is what Hillary Clinton wants you to believe. Because back in 2000, she wore a Yankees cap! [shows photo of Hillary putting on cap] It's a baseball fandom scandal I'm calling "Yankghazi." - CNN is reporting that Clinton "may have gone to Cubs games with her father as a kid, but after leaving Illinois, and around the same time she ran for Senate in New York, the former first lady touted her love for the New York Yankees." How convenient. As a 10-year-old she wears a Cubs hat. A mere 40 years later, she's in a Yankees hat. Is there no hat she won't wear? (shows fake photo of Hillary in "Make America Great Again" cap) OK, there's one hat. - This weekend, Donald Trump gave a speech in Gettysburg, the battlefield where the Union turned the tide against the Confederates. I guess Trump feels a kinship with lost causes that will haunt the country for generations. 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