Late Night Jokes: Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?

Late Night Jokes of the Week The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon - President Trump's still trying to figure out who wrote the anonymous New York Times op-ed about him. You can tell he's getting desperate — today he yelled, "That's it. Get me the gang from 'Scooby-Doo!'" - This weekend Kellyanne Conway said the author of the op-ed wants to "create chaos" and is a "national security risk." Then Trump was like, "Wait, maybe I wrote it!" - After former President Obama said you'd need a "magic wand" to bring back certain jobs, Trump said, "I guess I have a magic wand." Then Stormy Daniels was like, "Fake news." - Trump says he has the "ultimate deal" to make peace in the Middle East. But first, he says he wants to make peace between Cardi B and Nicki Minaj. - I saw that "Jeopardy" host Alex Trebek grew a beard. When his wife saw it, she said, "What is... that on your face?" - After losing all 16 of their games last season, the Cleveland Browns' first game of the year ended in a tie. Yep, the Cleveland Browns: Even when they don't lose, they don't win. - I heard about a college student in Canada who emailed everyone at his school named Nicole, Nicky, Nicolette, and Nik trying to find the woman he met at a bar. Meanwhile the actual woman was like, "Phew! Thank God I gave him a fake name!" [Prayer Strengthens the Brain and Helps Fight Dementia]( --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Late Show With James Corden - During an interview yesterday, Bob Woodward, the veteran journalist and author of a new book detailing the chaos and insanity inside the Trump administration, concluded by saying that people need to "wake up" to what's going on in the White House. Wake up? We're awake, Bob! We're awake! I haven't had a full night's sleep in two years! - Former President Barack Obama is back on the campaign trail trying to rally Democrats for the midterm election, and on Saturday, while at a stop in Anaheim, Obama reminisced about the time he was kicked out of Disneyland for smoking a cigarette. God, don't you miss when the president's biggest scandal was like, "I was asked to leave Disneyland once." - Obama was like, "Go ahead and kick me out of Disneyland. I'll just come back as an animatronic figure in the Hall of Presidents — and stay there forever." - Disney's CEO responded to Obama in a tweet, saying that smoking aside, Obama was welcome back at the park any time. Not surprisingly, President Trump retaliated by launching a drone strike on Splash Mountain. - Recently passengers on a United Airlines flight from Scotland to New Jersey got a bit of a shock when the pilot came out of the cockpit, changed out of his uniform, and fell asleep in a first-class seat. The only way this could have been more concerning for the passengers is if the pilot also had an emotional support dog. - A couple in Florida was just arrested for selling drugs out of their mobile home after police noticed that they had constructed — and we're not making this up — a drive-thru window. The only way this story could be more Florida is if the drive-thru were run by an alligator and his stripper girlfriend. ALERT: [These 5 Things Activate Cancer in Your Body]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Late Night With Seth Meyers - After former President Obama delivered a speech on Friday criticizing President Trump, Trump said that he tried to watch the speech but fell asleep, adding, "I found he's very good, very good for sleeping." I know, right? When he was president, we all slept so soundly. - White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders held her first press briefing today in almost three weeks. And you could tell she was a little rusty — because she almost answered a question. - Famed Watergate journalist Bob Woodward's new book titled "Fear: Trump in the White House" will be released tomorrow. You can find it wherever Sean Spicer's book isn't sold. - President Trump on Friday claimed the quotes in Bob Woodward's book were made up and that Woodward uses every trick in the book to demean and belittle. Said Woodward, "You mean my tape recorder?" - An all-red cow was born in Jerusalem this week, which some believe fulfills a biblical prophecy to "reinstate purity to the world." While Education Secretary Betsy DeVos believes it means strawberry milk for everyone. [Reverse Type 2 Diabetes, New Strategies Show How]( Don’t Spend a Dime on Vitamins — Until You Read This! Dear Reader, Most health-oriented folks take vitamins or supplements of some sort. Between you and me, though, do you ever wonder if these nutrients are really helping — or merely wasting your money? 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