Late Night Jokes: You Say Potato, I Say Pompeo

Late Night Jokes of the Week --------------------------------------------------------------- Conan - I don't know if anyone watched soccer today. Yeah? Today, big story: Croatia beat England in the semifinals of the World Cup. Croatia won. Which is nice. It's really nice. It's the first time in a while I've heard people say, "Way to go, Croatia." Something you don't hear all the time. "Good going, Croat." - It's been a stressful week so far. First, 12 Thai soccer players were trapped in a cave with rising water, and now six world leaders are trapped in a summit with President Trump. It's rough. - It's come out that President Trump's new communications director has changed the White House lighting so Trump looks younger. Even more impressive, the new lighting makes Melania look happy. - Sarah Palin is complaining that she was tricked and humiliated by comedian Sacha Baron Cohen. Yes — apparently 10 years ago he tricked Palin into thinking she was actually qualified to be vice president. - The founder of Papa John's Pizza used the N-word during a conference call about how to avoid bad publicity. Yeah. Of course, for Papa John's, the N-word is nutrition. I didn't know that was possible. Tip: [How to Retire Comfortably on $2,000]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Jimmy Kimmel Live! - I'm driving to work, and right on the corner of Hollywood and La Brea, I notice that the newspaper box was smoking. It was on fire. First time I passed, there were flames coming out of this thing, so I doubled back to shoot video — because I'm a journalist first and foremost. By the time I got there, a guy from the kabob shop had thrown a pitcher of water on it. If a newspaper bursting into flames isn't the single best metaphor for 2018, I really don’t know what is. - So our president, the orange guy, Trump, is in Belgium right now at the NATO summit fighting over how many ways they will split the check. - Things got off to a rocky start. They had a breakfast meeting today with the NATO secretary-general where Trump complained that he wants other countries to spend more for defense. Donald Trump attacking others for not paying their fair share is [gutsy]. I mean, it's basically the Trump business plan. - He had especially harsh words for Germany. He repeatedly said Germany is totally controlled by Russia — which is also a good one, coming from him. He attacks Germany for making a deal with Russia, on his way to make a deal with Russia. - On the other side of the world, new details about Secretary of State Mike Pompeo's ill-fated trip to North Korea last week. Sources say the meeting went “as badly as it could have gone.” Pompeo was supposed to meet with Kim Jong Un, but got snubbed because now, according to North Korean state media, Kim Jong Un was busy visiting a potato farm. For real. Which caused a huge reaction in North Korea. They're like, “What? We have potatoes?” - By the way, potato farms are about as fun as it gets in North Korea. Potato farms are in North Korea what Dave & Buster's are to us. - This is the final season of "Game of Thrones," but HBO is working on a prequel that reportedly takes place 10,000 years before the original. Which means winter won't be coming for a very long time: 10,000 years. - That would mean the "Game of Thrones" we're watching now had 10,000 years to invent electricity — and they're still using torches for light and crows to deliver the mail. I guess these Lannisters are more inbred than I thought. - There are also said to be at least three more "Game of Thrones" pilots in the works at HBO, each one of them set in a different time period with different characters and storylines. This is all part of HBO's plan to make sure we never understand anything that happens on "Game of Thrones" ever again. - Kylie Jenner is on pace to become the world's youngest self-made billionaire, or selfie-made billionaire. Kylie Jenner's 20 years old. According to Forbes magazine she's already worth $900 million — more than her sister Kim Kardashian, who's only worth $350 million. She's poor. Who knew Kylie was the money bags in that family? - The FCC, the Federal Communications Commission, now that they did away with net neutrality, they had another terrible idea. The FCC is considering a plan that would require U.S. citizens to pay $225 to make a complaint. So if you're mad about how high your cable bill is, soon you can pay the government $225 to complain about it. Boy, they really have their fingers on the pulse of us, don't they? [Prostate Size Can Greatly Affect Quality of Life and Sleep. What Size Is Yours? See This Photo.]( --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Show With Stephen Colbert - It is the first full day of Donald Trump's trip to Europe. He's in Brussels for the NATO summit and then it’s on to England, and then he's going straight to hell — I'm sorry, Helsinki — to meet with Vladimir Putin. - As The New York Times put it, “Mr. Trump kicked off his meetings on a contentious note.” Contentious is his ONLY note! He's a human air horn. - Trump claims Germany is controlled by Russia because 35 percent of their natural gas comes from Russia. It's true, we're all controlled by the people who give us our gas, which is why I'm forever beholden to the Chevron on Route 3. When they invaded the Pizza Hut next door, I said nothing. What could I do? - With everything going so badly in Europe, I'm sure Trump longs for the days of his summit with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. Remember? "No more nukes." [Trump voice] "You can sleep safe. Alan Alda, you can come home, your work is done." - Well, last week North Korea got a follow-up visit from Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. And now we're getting reports that Pompeo’s North Korea meeting went "as badly as it could have gone." I'm not surprised, sometimes the second date is rough. You go back to his place, you find out it’s full of executed relatives or worse, Limp Bizkit CDs. - Another reason Pompeo didn't have a good meeting with Kim Jong Un: He didn't meet with Kim Jong Un. But Kim had a very good excuse. Turns out he was too busy visiting a potato farm to meet with the U.S. secretary of state. But to be fair, a lot of people have trouble telling the difference between Mike Pompeo and a potato. You say potato, I say Pompeo. Potato, Pompeo, let's call the nuke deal off. - Mike Pompeo had a gift for Kim that he never got to deliver. Remember when Donald Trump was threatening to blow up the world and calling Kim Jong Un “Little Rocket Man?” Well, he thought it would be fun to send Pompeo with an Elton John CD with the song “Rocket Man.” And the CD is signed. It’s not signed by Elton John; it's signed by President Trump. [Trump voice] “Dear Kim, I didn't write this, but I did listen to it. Put it on to remember that time I insulted your [genitals]. Stay sweet, have a great summer. — Don.” [Leading Heart Doctor Confirms Dead Come Back to Life, See Story]( --------------------------------------------------------------- You received this Late Night Jokes email because you subscribed to it or someone forwarded it to you. Click here to [unsubscribe]( from our list. We respect your right to privacy. [View our policy](. 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