Late Night Jokes: They Say It's Your Birthday

Late Night Jokes of the Week The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon - Today is President Trump's 72nd birthday. Everyone in the White House hid to jump out and yell "Surprise," and while they were hiding they were like, "Hey, we found Melania!" - At one point the staff brought out a piñata for Trump but the president just deported it. - In November, people in California will vote on whether they want to break the state up into three smaller states. The states would be Northern California, Southern California, and Kardashistan. - This Sunday is Father's Day. With the big day coming up, a lot of people are shopping for the perfect Father's Day card, and while there are lots of good choices, there are also some very unpopular cards out there. For example, this card says, "Dad, you taught me everything I know." Open up, it says, "That's why I'm so messed up." This next one says, "This Father's Day, I'm giving you something you'll love." Open it up: "I promise not to touch the thermostat." And finally this one says, "You're my best friend, my inspiration, and my hero." Open it up: "But I'm still not coming over to reset the Wi-fi." - Applebee's is offering $1 Long Island iced teas for the entire month of June. So if someone tells you they just spent $20 at Applebee's, get them to a hospital. [Prayer Strengthens the Brain and Helps Fight Dementia]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Conan - Microsoft is working on technology that removes the need for cashiers and checkout lines. This cutting-edge technology is known as "shoplifting." - President Trump said Russia should not be punished for seizing parts of Ukraine because they speak Russian there. Which explains why today, Mexico announced plans to take back California. - Today is President Trump's 72nd birthday. Trump spent a quiet evening with loved ones, then Melania stopped by. - It's President Trump's birthday. Trump had some cake, ate some ice cream, played golf, and then he remembered it was his birthday. Tip: [How to Retire Comfortably on $2,000]( --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Late Show With James Corden - This is the last show before we head off to do a week of shows in London. I've got to say, we're going at the exact right time because meteorologists are saying that this could be London's hottest June on record. They say it's going to get so hot in London, Coldplay is changing their name to Hotplay. - Some meteorologists are worried that London could be so hot this summer that Leonardo DiCaprio will try to have sex with it. That's how hot it is. - Today was Donald Trump's birthday. President Trump turned 72 today. It was a wonderful birthday, he was surrounded by all of his loved ones. And Eric Trump. - Trump celebrated with a small group of close friends. He said it was great. He said it was just like his inauguration. - The state of Vermont is trying to get people to move into their state and to sweeten the deal they're now offering each new resident up to $10,000. This is great because up until now, the most popular way to become a Vermont resident was through the witness protection program. - $10,000 to live in a state that's nothing but snowboarding, Ben & Jerry's ice cream, and marijuana. Did you hear that? That's the sound of every recent college graduate moving to Vermont. - A New York man is suing the pharmacy CVS for revealing to his wife that he had a prescription for Viagra. During the court hearing, the judge told the man to “please rise.” He said, “Dude, I’m way ahead of you.” ALERT: [These 5 Things Activate Cancer in Your Body]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Jimmy Kimmel Live! - 72 years ago today in the borough of Queens, in the state of New York, a pumpkin got trapped in a tanning bed. And Donald J. Trump was born. - Today is President Trump's birthday. Last year, first lady Melania Trump wished her husband a happy birthday on Twitter; she posted “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” with little heart emojis. So this year, she posted nothing. Gee, I wonder why that is. Although she did give him a card. This is the card: “Happy birthday, you'll never find me.” - You know, true love means never having to be in the same room together. So happy birthday, Mr. President. - This is the day Mueller should have served the subpoena, right? On his birthday. Maybe with a candle on it. - The president didn't get a subpoena today, at least not from Robert Mueller. He did get a fresh new lawsuit filed against him. The New York attorney general filed suit against Donald Trump, Eric Trump, Ivanka Trump, and Donald Trump Jr. for persistently illegal conduct by the Trump Foundation, their charity organization. The suit alleges that the Trumps misused their nonprofit to pay business debts and campaign expenses, which is not allowed. The attorney general says Trump's kids were collecting money despite doing no discernible work for it — which, in fairness to them, that's what they do, that's their job. They collect money in exchange for being born. - The board of directors for the charity hadn't even met in 19 years. Trump himself hadn't made a contribution to his own foundation, the Trump Foundation, in 10 years. Most foundations of this type are supported almost entirely by the person they're named after. It's important to remember, though, this foundation isn't the foundation he puts on his face every morning. That is made of melted crayons and marmalade. This is a different thing. - Of course Trump is denying the charges. I guess we'll see. I don't know — I kind of feel like if you saw the words "Donald Trump charity" and gave money, you deserve whatever you get. - Back in Washington, another Team Trumper may be on the way out. According to CBS News, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders is planning her escape from Witch-Hunt Mountain. - She says she's not going anywhere, which of course means she's most certainly going somewhere. She tweeted: “Does CBS news know something I don't about my plans and my future? They ran a story without even talking to me. I love my job and I'm honored to work for POTUS.” Definitely leaving, right? - The president is taking heat because of footage released by the North Korean state media in which Trump salutes a North Korean general during his honeymoon getaway with Kim Jong Un. The reason that's a big deal is because the president, as commander in chief, is only supposed to salute OUR military. Not other people's militaries. You get the idea Donald Trump would salute a plate of General Tso's chicken. - Saturday I will be in Houston, Texas, to play a one-on-one game of basketball against Senator Ted Cruz. This came about after I compared him to a blobfish while he was at a Rockets game. So he challenged me to play. I guess he misses being humiliated by other men since he stopped running for president. - The rest of the world was focused on day one of the World Cup. Even if you don't follow soccer, the World Cup is a chance to see some of the greatest athletes on the planet fall down and grab their shins for no reason over and over again. [Prostate Size Can Greatly Affect Quality of Life and Sleep. What Size Is Yours? See This Photo.]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Late Night With Seth Meyers - Today is President Trump's 72nd birthday. And when she heard that, Melania disappeared again. - According to Buzzfeed News, President Trump told leaders at the G7 Summit last weekend that Crimea is Russian because its people speak Russian. And then he talked about his plans to build a wall on our border with Spain. - This Sunday is Father's Day. And in honor of dads, all thermostats will be set to 68. - New York's attorney general today filed a lawsuit against President Trump, Donald Trump Jr., Eric Trump, and Ivanka Trump. Said President Trump, "I can explain. Eric and Don Jr. did it." - According to a report released by the Justice Department's internal watchdog, former FBI director James Comey used a personal Gmail account on numerous occasions to conduct FBI business. And when she heard that, Hillary Clinton punched a wall so hard the building collapsed. - According to The Washington Post, EPA chief Scott Pruitt last year tasked an aide with finding his wife a job. While Trump tasked an aide with finding his wife, period. "Seriously, it's been like three weeks and I haven't seen her." - A new study has found that people who run marathons have less arthritis than non-runners. Responded non-runners: "This. This is why no one wants to hang out with you." [Reverse Type 2 Diabetes, New Strategies Show How]( --------------------------------------------------------------- You received this Late Night Jokes email because you subscribed to it or someone forwarded it to you. Click here to [unsubscribe]( from our list. We respect your right to privacy. [View our policy](. This email was sent by: Reagan Reports for America 1501 Northpoint Parkway, Suite 104 West Palm Beach, FL 33407 USA