Late Night Jokes: When You Wish Upon a Bar

Late Night Jokes of the Week The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon - It is Fleet Week here in New York City, and our entire audience is filled with servicemen and women. This year is actually New York's 30th Fleet Week. So I want to wish an early happy 30th birthday to all those babies conceived during the first Fleet Week. - Everyone is excited about Fleet Week. All of New York will be applauding people in uniform, or as that's also known, the opposite of a Knicks game. - I heard that tomorrow night there's a Fleet Week booze cruise. I'm sure you all thought, "Sweet, it's my day off, can't wait to spend it on a boat." - This is exciting, we have Guy Fieri on the show tonight. Backstage we had an entire conversation before I realized I was just talking to the sunglasses on the back of his head. - Today President Trump announced that he is calling off his meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. After he broke it off, Trump told him that he could have custody of Don Jr. - Disney World announced they are finally serving alcohol at every restaurant in the Magic Kingdom. Parents will say, "These giant teacups are spinning too fast," and the kids will be like, "We are not even on the ride yet." - It's only been a week but I guess Disney is already thinking about changing their slogan. It used to be "The Happiest Place on Earth." Now they are considering new slogans, like "Disney World: When You Wish Upon a Bar." Next, there's "Disney World: Watch Elsa Do the Walk of Shame." Then there's "Disney World: Sleep It Off in the Hall of Presidents." Then there's "Disney World: Official Home of the $40 Bud Light." And finally, "Disney World: Donald Duck Won't Be the Only One Without Pants." [Prayer Strengthens the Brain and Helps Fight Dementia]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Conan - Froot Loops cereal has added a new flavor, Wild Berry. People who tried the new flavor say it tastes like “wild berries, plus sugar, minus wild berries." - President Trump informed Kim Jong Un that he was canceling their summit by sending Kim a personal letter. The disturbing part is Trump signed the letter, "Yours in Crazy." - President Trump canceled his summit with Kim Jong Un, saying it’s because of Kim’s "open hostility." Trump said, "I will not tolerate hostility from a fat-faced little Rocket Man." - Doctors are now warning about the spread of something they are calling "super gonorrhea." It’s hard to believe that now the cool thing to say to a woman in a bar is, “It’s OK, I only have regular gonorrhea." - A new report says that the U.S. military is running out of bombs. As of now, the Pentagon is down to 100 bunker busters and six copies of "The Emoji Movie." Tip: [How to Retire Comfortably on $2,000]( --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Late Show With James Corden - President Trump canceled next month's peace talks with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. Now this has been going on for some time. First the meeting was on and now it's off. Then it was back on. I can't handle this tension! Trump and Kim Jong Un are like the new Ross and Rachel. - Trump canceled the meeting with North Korea over their “tremendous anger and open hostility," which is ironic considering “tremendous anger and open hostility" is Trump's 2020 campaign slogan. - In his letter, Trump bragged about America's nuclear arsenal but ended the letter by writing, "If you change your mind, please do not hesitate to call me or write." Which feels like a bit of a mixed message. Trump's like, "I can wipe your country out with a level of nuclear force you can't even comprehend... but I'm here for you if you need to talk." - The NFL announced a new policy yesterday requiring players who are on the field to stand during the national anthem. This morning President Trump said, “You have to stand proudly for the national anthem. Or you shouldn't be playing. You shouldn't be there. Maybe you shouldn't be in the country.” Is he suggesting that people should be kicked out of the country because they're voicing their opinions? This all started with players protesting police brutality and now, two years later, Trump is suggesting maybe they shouldn't live in the country. He's basically gone from kicking brown people out of the country to kicking out the Cleveland Browns. - Meanwhile, Trump is OK with the rest of us using the national anthem to go use the bathroom without waiting in a 40-minute line. - A new article revealed that members of the U.S. Air Force in Wyoming took LSD and had acid trips while they were assigned to guard nuclear missiles. Is it me or does it feel like Donald Trump definitely picked the wrong day to brag about America's nuclear capabilities? - Imagine having that confidence to do LSD while guarding nuclear weapons. When I was 18, I didn't even feel comfortable enough to smoke pot before I went to work at a pizzeria. I mean, I found a way, and let me tell you, if you work at a pizzeria and you like smoking pot, those two work brilliantly together. - It's nice to know that if Donald Trump ever does try to start a war, the guys responsible for the missiles won't be able to push the buttons because they'll be too busy swatting away purple dragons. ALERT: [These 5 Things Activate Cancer in Your Body]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Jimmy Kimmel Live! - As you probably know, the president canceled his June 12th meeting with Kim Jong Un today. Only Donald Trump could cancel a summit with Kim Jong Un in the morning and then have a meeting with Sylvester Stallone later in the day. Soak it up, we'll probably never see anything like this again. - After North Korea indicated that the talks may be off, Trump announced the talks are off. It was the nuclear nonproliferation equivalent of, “You break up with me? I break up with YOU!” - And on top of that, when Trump posted the “Dear Jong” letter he sent today, you could see he misspelled the Dear Leader's name. He wrote, “Sadly I was forced to cancel the summit meeting in Singapore with Kim Jung Un.” With a U instead of O. Like if Kim Jong Un called him President Tromp. - This was some letter by the way. Not exactly what you would call Lincoln-esque. This, to me, was the most interesting part: Trump wrote, “You talk about nuclear capabilities but ours are so massive and powerful that I pray to God they will never have to be used.” And then he goes right into, “I felt a wonderful dialogue was building up between you and me.” See, that's Trump diplomacy in a nutshell: I look forward to our friendship, but if not, I will kill you. - He did leave the door open at the end of the note: “If you change your mind having to do with this most important summit, please do not hesitate to call me or write.” Feels kind of like we're at the part of the movie where the couple breaks up, but then they realize they can't live without each other, and one of them has to run through the airport to stop the other one from getting on a flight. - Meanwhile, South Korea, who really has the most to lose in all of this, was reportedly caught totally off guard. No one gave them a heads up. They had to call an emergency meeting and they released a statement. They wrote, “We are trying to figure out what President Trump's intention is and what its exact meaning is.” Well, welcome to the club. Because we are too. That's every day. - Now, on the off chance the president doesn't win the Nobel Prize for peace, part of the blame has to go to Mike Pence. Because Pence did some ad-libbing on Fox News the other night. Poor Mike Pence. His whole entire job was to help Trump get elected just by being a calm-looking white man who quoted the Bible and quietly disapproved of gays. And for a long time that's all he did, but eventually he had to start talking. - So he went on Fox News, which is supposed to be home court for these guys. I mean, Sean Hannity is Donald Trump's emergency contact number in case he ever chokes on a ham bone or anything like that. - So Pence goes on Fox. When he does, he compares the situation in North Korea to Libya. Which is probably the worst possible example he could use, seeing as how the leader of Libya, Moammar Gadhafi, after he gave up his nuclear weapons, was chased into a drainage pipe, dragged through the streets, and killed by rebels. Which is maybe not the way Kim Jong Un wants to go out. - And of course it made the people who work for him furious, because Kim Jong Un would kill his grandma for overpickling the kimchi. And so now the talks are off. - We also have to figure out what to do with the Korean summit commemorative coins Trump's people had made up. Maybe they can become the official currency of the apocalypse? - You'd think this would be a source of embarrassment in the Trump White House but turns out they have no such thing. In fact, this is true, the White House gift shop this afternoon offered a similar coin as their deal of the day — a “President Trump Korea Singapore summit coin, black velvet case, regular price $24.95, now only $19.95.” When people found out about it, it crashed the White House gift shop website, which I'm sure the president will brag about. - There were two closed-door briefings for members of Congress to go over classified information related to the “spygate” scandal that Trump cooked up. This briefing was originally supposed to be held for Republicans only. Which is insane. It was so insane, in fact, even the White House agreed it didn't look good. So they changed course and hosted a second meeting that Democrats were invited to. Like when your mom forces you to invite the whole class to your birthday party. You don't want to, but you do. - White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders, in an interview with the “failing New York Times,” said being called a liar bothers her. Which, I don't know. I know this might sound crazy, but — have you considered maybe not lying all the time? - By the way, North Korea is not the only country mad at us right now. The Supreme Leader of Iran, the Ayatollah, in response to our threat of the strongest sanctions against them yet, pulling out of our deal, said this about America yesterday. This is a real quote. He said, “Like the famous cat in ‘Tom and Jerry,’ they will lose again.” I guess they just got Saturday morning cartoons over there? I love to imagine the Ayatollah watching “Tom and Jerry.” “Praise Allah, the accursed cat has been incinerated again!” [Prostate Size Can Greatly Affect Quality of Life and Sleep. What Size Is Yours? See This Photo.]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Late Night With Seth Meyers - President Trump today sent a letter to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, canceling their upcoming meeting. So let me just get this straight, you sent a dictator a letter, but used Twitter to fire most of your staff? How did you break up with your wives — billboards? - In an interview on “Fox & Friends,” President Trump said that NFL players who kneel for the anthem “shouldn’t be playing.” “Um, actually no one should be,” said doctors. - The new season of “The Bachelorette” begins on Monday. Where the bachelorette must choose between 28 strains of HPV. - The Human Rights Campaign this weekend projected messages on the Department of Education headquarters asking Secretary Betsy DeVos how she sleeps at night. Said DeVos, “Same as everyone! Hold my breath till I pass out!” [Reverse Type 2 Diabetes, New Strategies Show How]( --------------------------------------------------------------- You received this Late Night Jokes email because you subscribed to it or someone forwarded it to you. Click here to [unsubscribe]( from our list. We respect your right to privacy. [View our policy](. 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