Late Night Jokes: Head and Shoulders of State

Late Night Jokes of the Week The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon - Tonight President Trump hosted a big state dinner for French President Emmanuel Macron at the White House. It was an awkward moment when Trump said, "I'll have the President Trump." And the waiter said, "Sir, that's not the menu. That's your name card." And he goes, "I'll have the macaroon." "That's HIS name card." - The main course was rack of lamb. But after Trump grabbed the rack, his lawyer had to pay it $130,000. - The music at tonight's dinner was provided by the Washington National Opera. When Macron asked Trump if he likes opera, Trump was like, "Not if she runs against me in 2020." - During rush hour here in New York yesterday, a woman gave birth in the back of an Uber. The mother was overjoyed while the other people in her Uber pool were like, "We'll walk from here." [Prayer Strengthens the Brain and Helps Fight Dementia]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Conan - Old Navy has announced plans to open 60 more stores this year. This is great news for guys who say, "I love khakis, but I just wish they fell apart faster." - The internet erupted after Melania Trump was photographed wearing a Beyoncé-style hat. And, just like Beyoncé, Melania is recording an album about her cheating husband. - When President Emmanuel Macron greeted President Trump, he kissed Trump on both cheeks. Then out of habit, Michael Cohen showed up and handed Macron $130,000. - White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson has been accused of drinking on the job. Today, Jackson defended himself saying, "You’d drink, too, if you saw Donald Trump naked." Tip: [How to Retire Comfortably on $2,000]( --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Late Show With James Corden - Donald Trump's White House doctor, who Trump nominated for secretary of Veterans Affairs, is having trouble getting confirmed by Congress. Dr. Ronny Jackson is being accused of overseeing a hostile workplace, over-prescribing drugs, and even drinking on the job. Then again, I've got to say I think I'd have a drink, too, if I had to check Donald Trump's prostate. - A hostile workplace, prescription drugs, and day drinking? On the bright side, today Ronny Jackson was named as one of the new "Housewives of Beverly Hills." - How did it get this far? It's almost like nobody took the time to dig into his shady background and lack of judgment. To be clear, I'm talking about Donald Trump now. - In other White House news, French President Emmanuel Macron is in Washington for the first official state visit of the Trump administration. And yesterday, he joined Donald Trump in planting a tree outside the White House. It was a historic moment. It really was. Usually it's a lawyer who has to bury stuff for Donald Trump. - The tree was a gift from Macron and his wife. Is this a good gift? I'm not an expert on diplomacy, but I can't think of a worse gift to give someone than saying, "Hey, here's some more yard work." - The visit got a little awkward today in front of the cameras. Trump told the president of France there was dandruff on his jacket, in front of the whole world. You don’t say that to someone’s face! You say it behind their back, and then all have a laugh about it. - Trump brushed dandruff off Macron's shoulder, but then it got even more awkward when Macron tried to wipe off whatever that stuff is all over Donald Trump's face. "I think you've got something on your face. Oh, no, that IS your face, sorry." - A mailman in Brooklyn was caught stashing nearly 17,000 pieces of undelivered mail for more than a decade because he was "overwhelmed" by the amount he had to deliver. See, I knew Beyoncé wrote me back. I knew she did! I'm not crazy! She wrote, and he didn't deliver it. - The mailman told investigators he "made sure to deliver the important mail." So basically, he's a human spam filter. This guy deserves some kind of award! ALERT: [These 5 Things Activate Cancer in Your Body]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Late Night With Seth Meyers - Before taking questions from reporters today, President Trump brushed dandruff off French President Emmanuel Macron's shoulder, and said, "We have to make him perfect." Then Macron returned the favor by putting a bag over Trump's head. - Before taking questions from reporters today, President Trump said that his great relationship with French President Emanuel Macron was not "fake news." But added that his fake relationship with Melania is not great news. - President Trump and first lady Melania hosted their first official state dinner tonight at the White House. Said Melania, "Which fork do I use to kill myself?" - The Senate today postponed the confirmation hearing for President Trump's nominee to lead the Department of Veterans Affairs, Dr. Ronny Jackson, after allegations that Jackson over-prescribed drugs. And I'm not surprised, since "Dr. Ronny" sounds like '70s slang for a guy who sells pills in the park. "I'm pulling an all-nighter tonight. I better go see Dr. Ronny." - Stormy Daniels has reportedly collected over $330,000 through her crowdfunding campaign to cover her legal expenses. Even crazier, [shows photo of Hillary wearing shades] it all came from one anonymous donor. - Mitt Romney was spotted at last night's NBA playoff game between the Utah Jazz and Oklahoma City Thunder, [shows photo of Romney holding up four fingers] where someone apparently asked him how many more elections he plans to lose. - Former Vice President Al Gore today compared President Trump to a bad science experiment, because he somehow looks like a liquid, a solid, and a gas all at the same time. - Bloomberg published an article suggesting that people who have worked for President Trump will have a hard time landing prestigious jobs after leaving the White House. Wow, remember when working for the president of the United States looked good on a resume? Now it's, "Well, I like that you're a self-starter, but this secretary of energy worries me. I'm sorry, you're just not Banana Republic material." [Reverse Type 2 Diabetes, New Strategies Show How]( --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Show With Stephen Colbert - Welcome, merci, monsieur and madame. Bienvenue and ratatouille. I have broken out my French accent, because tonight, Donald Trump is hosting a ménage-a-France with French President Emmanuel Macron. - It is Trump's first state dinner, and in a major departure from tradition, Trump will not invite Democrats or the media. None of those people are invited. If he doesn't like you, you won't be there. Better luck next time, vegetables. - Macron brought a gift for Trump, a young oak tree. And yesterday, Trump and Macron planted it on the White House lawn together. All that shoveling is great practice for when Trump has to hide Michael Cohen's body. - The Senate has postponed the confirmation hearing for Trump’s nominee to head the VA, White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson, in part because the Veterans Affairs Committee is examining allegations that Jackson oversaw a hostile work environment and allowed the overprescribing of drugs. "Mr. President, open up your mouth and say 'aah!' Now, put this on your tongue. We're going to the planetarium! Woo-hoo!" - There are also claims that Dr. Jackson drank too much on the job. Yes — which, for a doctor, I’m gonna say is any. - So how did Trump miss these warning signs when he nominated Jackson to run the second-largest government agency? Apparently, "the White House did little or no vetting of his background before announcing his nomination on Twitter." The White House staff MEANT to vet him, but they were high on pills they got from some doctor who works there. 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