Late Night Jokes: Going Postal on Amazon

Late Night Jokes of the Week The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon - Welcome to everyone at home who’s getting ready for bed — and to all the students at Villanova who are still drunk from last night. - The NCAA Tournament wrapped up last night, with Villanova coming out on top! And if you won your office March Madness pool, congratulations — all of your coworkers hate you now. - But Villanova really played great. They beat Michigan 79 to 62. I'm not saying Villanova was cocky, but at halftime all five starters left for the NBA. - This week President Trump has been sending angry tweets about Amazon for the way they run their business. Then someone handed Trump some bubble wrap from an Amazon box, and he forgot all about it. - But after Trump attacked Amazon on Twitter, their stock fell by five percent. It’s all part of Trump’s plan to get Amazon’s stock to match his approval rating. - I guess Trump’s claiming that Amazon costs the U.S. Postal Service too much money. Trump loves the Post Office — except every time he licks a stamp, he makes it sign a nondisclosure agreement. - I saw that six of Trump’s Cabinet members have been questioned about improper spending. Trump was shocked. He said, “I still have SIX Cabinet members?!” - I read about an Australian couple that put a GoPro on their dog instead of hiring a wedding photographer. And in the end, he got great shots of everybody’s crotch. [Prayer Strengthens the Brain and Helps Fight Dementia]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Jimmy Kimmel Live! - We had a little bit of a weird day here at our office today because we had no college basketball games. All of the TVs were off. Nobody knew what to do. Someone said maybe we should work, and then everyone laughed and started checking Instagram again. - Last night Villanova beat Michigan to win the men’s college basketball tournament. We had about 75 people in our office pool and one of our producers, Gina, won it. She beat everybody. So I asked her today, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you follow college basketball?" She said, "Zero." That's how it goes. You know nothing and you win. Like being president in a way. - But congratulations to Villanova. March Madness is now over, and just like that, we have nothing to talk to our coworkers about until “Game of Thrones” comes back. - We are all in very good hands if there's an earthquake tonight because Dwayne Johnson is here. The Rock is promoting a new movie called "Rampage," which is based on either the classic video game or what happens when the president runs out of McNuggets. - The president has been lashing out at Amazon this week, repeatedly, saying Amazon has been taking advantage of the U.S. Postal Service. After he claimed the post office loses $1.50 for every Amazon delivery — which by all accounts isn’t true — he tweeted, “I am right about Amazon costing the United States Post Office massive amounts of money for being their Delivery Boy.” Why insult the people at the post office by calling them Amazon’s delivery boys? They deliver things. That’s what they do. It doesn’t make them “boys.” They're adults! - Do you know who Lou Dobbs is? He has a show on the Fox Business Network. According to the Daily Beast, the president likes to call Lou Dobbs and put him on speaker phone during meetings at the White House to see what he thinks about what they’re doing. So I guess Lou’s on the phone, and all these generals and Cabinet members have to sit there while Lou Dobbs weighs in. In fairness, Obama did the exact same thing with Kathie Lee and Hoda. - There’s a new development in the Stormy Daniels story. Team Trump is now trying to move her lawsuit to private arbitration instead of court. Trump wanting to take Stormy somewhere a little more private is how he got into this mess in the first place. - The president did not tweet about this today. He still hasn’t tweeted ever about Stormy Daniels. Instead, he tweeted, “Thank you to Rasmussen for the honest polling. Just hit 50%, which is higher than Cheatin’ Obama at the same time in his Administration.” Trump called Obama “Cheatin’ Obama” on the day his lawyers are trying to move the case of a porn star they paid $130,000 to not talk about having sex with him just after his wife had a baby into private arbitration. - That’s the day he calls Obama “cheatin’.” This is the genius of Donald Trump. It’s the “I am rubber, you are glue” principle. Although in this case, there was no rubber, at least according to Stormy Daniels. [Prostate Size Can Greatly Affect Quality of Life and Sleep. What Size Is Yours? See This Photo.]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Late Night With Seth Meyers - President Trump said today that “Nobody’s been tougher to Russia than Donald Trump.” And Vladimir Putin said, “It’s true, he’s been a terrible employee.” - President Trump this morning on Twitter nicknamed former President Obama for the first time, and called him “Cheatin’ Obama.” Cheatin’ Obama? That’s a pretty lame nickname. You know what’s a cool nickname? Stormy. - President Trump today attacked Amazon for the second time this week, tweeting, “I am right about Amazon costing the United States Post Office massive amounts of money for being their Delivery Boy.” This is when I appreciate Twitter. It used to be, if you wanted to hear a 71-year-old man whining about the post office, you had to go to the post office. - When asked about EPA leader Scott Pruitt today, President Trump said, quote, “I hope he’s going to be good.” You “hope he’s going to be good?” He’s a member of the Cabinet, not a golden retriever. What’s your official position on Congress? Do you “hope they stay off the furniture?” [Reverse Type 2 Diabetes, New Strategies Show How]( --------------------------------------------------------------- You received this Late Night Jokes email because you subscribed to it or someone forwarded it to you. Click here to [unsubscribe]( from our list. We respect your right to privacy. [View our policy](. This email was sent by: Reagan Reports for America 1501 Northpoint Parkway, Suite 104 West Palm Beach, FL 33407 USA