Late Night Jokes: Fishing for Oscars

Late Night Jokes of the Week The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon - The gold medal-winning U.S. women's hockey team is here tonight. They'll be out in a few minutes, but until then, they're downstairs in the 30 Rock ice rink slamming tourists into the boards. - The Academy Awards were last night, and today my dad called me up and said I did a great job hosting. - Last night's Oscars broadcast was over three and a half hours long. Wow. To put that in perspective, that's longer than most jobs last in the White House. - "Black Panther" was a huge hit at the box office again this weekend, making $65 million. The only thing coming in higher? Christopher Walken's pants at the Oscars. - President Trump is on a diet and has been trying to eat more salad. When he first ordered one at the White House, the kitchen was excited because they thought the Obamas were back. - It was so windy this weekend that almost all the passengers on a United flight to D.C. threw up. United said, "We're going to have to get rid of this plane." Spirit Airlines was like, "We'll take it!" - North Korean leader Kim Jong Un invited South Korean officials to dinner. It was described as two hours of "You take a bite." "No, you take a bite first." - Apple employees keep walking into glass walls at their new campus in California. An Apple customer said, "Oh, so you do know how to make glass that doesn't shatter." [Prayer Strengthens the Brain and Helps Fight Dementia]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Conan - Jared Kushner lost his security clearance, and now he and Ivanka are trying to figure out their new limited roles. So far, their plan is to do terrible things on a much smaller scale. - The president of China basically declared himself president for life. In a related story, President Trump was declared president for "what seems like a lifetime." - Pizza Hut introduced a pair of athletic shoes that have a button that orders pizza. When they heard about it, fans of Pizza Hut said, "What are athletic shoes?" - Some Republicans are really angry about a joke at last night’s Oscars made about Mike Pence. My advice to those Republicans: Don’t watch the Tonys. - The Academy Awards were last night and two of the biggest awards went to Mexican director Guillermo del Toro. So I’m guessing President Trump did not win his Oscar pool. Tip: [How to Retire Comfortably on $2,000]( --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Late Show With James Corden - Did everyone watch the Oscars last night? If you watched, Jimmy Kimmel did an amazing job hosting. If you didn't watch, I'm proud to report "Peter Rabbit" won everything. - Congratulations to Guillermo del Toro – his movie “The Shape of Water” won best picture. Such a beautiful film. Now, some people are saying they didn't think that was the film that should have won, but I am going to go ahead and say it, and I don't care what anyone thinks: “The Shape of Water” is the best movie about a woman falling in love with a fish monster while working in a government facility that has ever been made, ever. - There was some drama at a party after the Oscars. Frances McDormand, who won best actress for her role in “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri,” briefly had her Oscar stolen but the thief was stopped by Wolfgang Puck's photographer. And the weirdest part of this story is that Wolfgang Puck has a photographer. - Police asked the photographer for pictures of the alleged thief – and they also asked for the recipe for that delicious crème brulee. - You know you're rich when you pay another guy to take Instagram pictures of your food. - Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen has announced he will invest $125 million in a research lab to teach artificial intelligence machines common sense. And if it works, they're going to try it with Congress and gun laws. - I'm not sure I like the idea of inanimate objects having common sense. I don't need my refrigerator to be like, “Yeah, maybe you don't need any more ice cream.” - A new study claims that after you factor in driving costs and maintenance, nearly a third of Uber drivers are actually losing money on the job. Even worse, this study gives Uber drivers yet another conversation starter. - Some hospital workers in Kenya have been suspended after doctors performed brain surgery on the wrong patient. I guess those brain surgeons weren't exactly rocket scientists. - The doctors said they got lucky – turns out they removed the part of the patient's brain that wants to press charges. - The hospital did an investigation and it's pretty scary. It turns out that the doctor was only moonlighting as a brain surgeon because he wasn't making enough money driving for Uber. ALERT: [These 5 Things Activate Cancer in Your Body]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Late Night With Seth Meyers - According to The New York Times, following news that China's President Xi Jinping is now president for life, President Trump jokingly told donors this weekend, "Maybe we'll give that a shot someday." That's great, but first, why not try being president for a full week? - According to sources, White House chief of staff John Kelly is frustrated with Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner, and questions what they do during the day. I'm going to say "nothing" and "homework." - President Trump said today that he's not backing down on his decision to impose tariffs on steel and aluminum imports, adding that the U.S. has been ripped off by virtually every country in the world. For example, Wakanda. "Turns out they've been hoarding vibranium for years." - According to The New York Times, a Belarusian escort is claiming that she has audio recordings that prove Russian meddling in the U.S. elections. "I've never even met Anastasia," yelled Trump, before anyone said her name. - A source recently told Bloomberg that he hasn't seen President Trump eat a cheeseburger in two weeks. He's not eating them less, just much, much faster. - A new study has found that when romantic partners hold hands while in pain, their brain waves can sync and decrease that pain. "Nah, I'm good," said Melania. [Reverse Type 2 Diabetes, New Strategies Show How]( --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Show With Stephen Colbert - Who here watched the Oscars? I absolutely wanted to, but I went to a school play. That's the kind of Hollywood juice I have – I can get you tickets to a high school play. - Of 24 awards, women won only six. What happened? Did the women blow all their lady points on the first female Colonel Sanders this year? I mean, it's a milestone, but still. - Typically, there's one cause that dominates the activism on the red carpet, but last night there were several. Jane Fonda wore a "Time's Up" pin, Lin-Manuel Miranda wore an orange flag pin representing Everytown for Gun Safety, Whoopi Goldberg wore a red ribbon for AIDS awareness, and on a happier note, Daniel Day-Lewis wore a pin that said "Ask me about our specials!" He's retiring from acting to work full time at Red Robin. - Now, I know you came here to hear me talk about trade tariffs – we all know that "The Phantom Menace" IS the best "Star Wars" – but that's not where we're going. Because right before we taped, the entire news cycle jumped on the bus to Crazy Town. At the wheel: former Trump campaign aide Sam Nunberg. - Here's what happened: Robert Mueller issued a subpoena to Nunberg to get him to testify about the Russia investigation, and not only did Nunberg say he won't show up, he said he was planning to go on Bloomberg TV and tear up the subpoena. Smart thinking. Do it on Bloomberg – no witnesses! - But Nunberg isn't afraid of spilling on TV. This afternoon, he took to MSNBC to complain about the subpoena [clip of Nunberg]: "I'm not going to produce every email I had with Steve Bannon and Roger Stone from Nov. 1 of 2015." Whoa, what happened on Nov. 1? That is weirdly specific. "Officer, I'm a busy man. I don't have time to walk you out to the third storage drain north of my barn. I definitely did not dump a body in there between the hours of 4:00 and 6:00 last night." - Nunberg took over cable news like a car chase. He was on MSNBC at 2:45, CNN at 3:30, CNN again at 4:00, I believe at 5:00 he called in to HGTV to incriminate himself on "Flip or Flop." I’m pretty sure after Mueller gets through with him, it’s gonna be “flip.” - Nunberg has made it clear, unequivocally, that he’s willing to sacrifice for his cause [clip of Nunberg being asked if he’s willing to go to jail]: "I’m not cooperating. Arrest me." You know Mueller CAN arrest you, right? That's like saying "eat me" to Hannibal Lecter. Doesn't have a happy ending for you. [Leading Heart Doctor Confirms Dead Come Back to Life, See Story]( --------------------------------------------------------------- You received this Late Night Jokes email because you subscribed to it or someone forwarded it to you. Click here to [unsubscribe]( from our list. We respect your right to privacy. [View our policy](. This email was sent by: Reagan Reports for America 1501 Northpoint Parkway, Suite 104 West Palm Beach, FL 33407 USA