Late Night Jokes: Sweden Curls Up and Cries

Late Night Jokes of the Week The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon - Last night was the closing ceremony for the Winter Olympics, and they had some crazy stuff. They had a big conga line, they had a giant snow globe. They had glow-in-the-dark pandas on roller skates. When asked what inspired the pandas, they said, “Uh, ’shrooms.” - With the Olympics over, 90 countries have departed South Korea. Yep, 90 groups waving goodbye, or as the NRA calls those, sponsors. - The big winner this year is Norway. They won a record 39 medals, wow — or one for each person who lives in Norway. - The U.S. men’s curling team beat Sweden to win their first gold medal ever! Actually, they were beating Sweden so bad, they conceded the match early. Yep, America made Sweden quit in frustration, or as we call that, the “reverse Ikea.” - After their win, the team went on NBC Sports Network, where they were asked to perform a karaoke version of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Even Fergie was like, “That was rough.” - Russian spies hacked hundreds of computers at the Olympics. Which explains why Hillary Clinton didn’t win a single gold medal. - On Saturday, an Austrian snowboarder had a little trouble when a squirrel ran right in front of her during a race. Everyone is OK. Guys, that squirrel had trained four years for that moment. [Prayer Strengthens the Brain and Helps Fight Dementia]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Conan - At the annual meeting of conservatives called CPAC, a woman who criticized Donald Trump was booed and escorted out by security. This is the third time this has happened to Melania. - Over the weekend, a lot of major companies announced they will be cutting ties with the NRA, including Delta, Hertz, and MetLife. And here’s one that shocked me — today the NRA got dropped by ISIS. - At the end of the Olympics closing ceremony, they officially announced the next city that’s gonna host. So, congratulations to Wakanda! - In a fashion show that took place yesterday, Dolce & Gabbana sent their handbags down the runway on drones instead of models. But first, each drone was forced to lose 10 pounds. - At the Pyeongchang Olympics, a number of speed records were broken. By far the fastest was Mike Pence running away from male figure skaters. Tip: [How to Retire Comfortably on $2,000]( --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Late Show With James Corden - To celebrate last year’s NBA championship, the Golden State Warriors are reportedly meeting with local children in Washington, D.C., instead of visiting President Trump in the White House. It is really nice of the Golden State Warriors to visit a bunch of children instead of just one. - When they heard that, every foreign leader scheduled to meet with Trump was like, “Wait, you can do that?” - New tax filings show that President Donald Trump’s former bodyguard has been receiving $15,000 a month from the Republican National Committee since leaving the White House. You realize what that means, right? Trump was sleeping with his bodyguard, too! - The bodyguard has a lot of experience in his field. He served in the U.S. Navy and the New York City police department, so according to Trump, he has almost enough weapons training to work as a school teacher. - During a Carnival cruise last week, a family of 23 people had to be kicked off the ship after starting numerous fights and even threatening to throw other passengers overboard. So now we know what Sarah Palin’s family has been up to. - Cruise ships already have swimming, miniature golf, Broadway shows, and now they have fight club. - 23 people terrorizing a ship. I hate to break it to you — that is not a family, that’s pirates. ALERT: [These 5 Things Activate Cancer in Your Body]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Late Night With Seth Meyers - President Trump today criticized officers who failed to confront a shooter at a Florida high school and said, quote, “I really believe I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon.” I gotta say, I find it hard to believe Trump would voluntarily run inside a place of education. The only way you would run inside is if a reporter asked you a question outside. - In a new interview, President Trump said that he would like to have a military parade on July 4th or Veterans Day. Added Trump, “Whichever one comes first.” - A new CNN poll has found that Democrats have a 16-point lead over Republicans in a generic congressional ballot. Which means that with a little hard work and some elbow grease, they can still blow this thing. - Department store Neiman Marcus is selling a Dolce & Gabbana toaster for $600. Or, for the same results, just buy a regular toaster and put $600 in it. [Reverse Type 2 Diabetes, New Strategies Show How]( --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Show With Stephen Colbert - Donald Trump has been president for over a year now. At this point, I go to bed every night believing there’s nothing he could say or do that could possibly surprise me. Then the sun comes up. - Trump met with the nation’s governors and at the top of the agenda was the urgent problem of school shootings. Trump has said that maybe we should arm teachers. This idea has not been received well by people who have had or been a teacher. - Of course, Trump’s saying “arm the teachers” because if you’re in the pocket of the NRA, the solution is never fewer guns. The solution is always more guns. - Of course, the school in Florida did have an armed sheriff’s deputy, but even with guns and training, he didn’t enter the building. Nor did the next three armed deputies who showed up. So maybe arming people is not the answer. - Who among us could honestly say what they think they would do in that same situation? [Plays clip of Trump] “You know I really believe — you don’t know until you test it — but I think, I really believe I’d run in there, even if I didn’t have a weapon.” OK. There’s a lot in there that I doubt, but the part I REALLY don’t believe is that he can run. - Sir, we already know how you react to combat situations. You got five deferments from Vietnam! What are you going to do, run in there and stab them with your bone spurs? [Leading Heart Doctor Confirms Dead Come Back to Life, See Story]( --------------------------------------------------------------- You received this Late Night Jokes email because you subscribed to it or someone forwarded it to you. Click here to [unsubscribe]( from our list. We respect your right to privacy. [View our policy](. 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