Late Night Jokes: Flake News Flash

Late Night Jokes of the Week The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon - Everybody’s talking about this big feud between President Trump and Republican Sen. Bob Corker. They were fighting AGAIN. Today, Corker said that Trump is a bad role model for children. And Trump said, “Not true! I’ve even proven that a child can be elected president!” - Corker also tweeted about Trump’s behavior and said, “Alert the day care staff.” Trump was so mad, he squeezed his juice box, and it went all over his tie. - You know what they say at the White House: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, just tweet it.” - Trump was quick to respond to Corker. He said that Corker “couldn’t even be elected dog catcher.” Then another guy said, (PUTIN) “Great — now I have to rig DOG CATCHER election, too? It never ends with this guy!” - Republican Sen. Jeff Flake announced that he will not seek re-election, and said the GOP was headed in the wrong direction. Or, as Trump called it, “Flake news!” - Delta is hiring 1,000 new flight attendants, and it’s a very tough tryout. When pushing the beverage cart, you have to slam into at LEAST 12 passengers’ knees. - I read about a woman in Pennsylvania who celebrated her 94th birthday by jumping out of a plane. She thought she was just walking into the bathroom — but still, good for her to just experience that! [Prayer Strengthens the Brain and Helps Fight Dementia]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Conan - Bill O’Reilly revealed that he is mad at God for putting him through his sexual harassment scandal. Today, God refused to comment; instead, she just laughed. - President Trump and Republican Sen. Bob Corker are in a feud after Corker compared the White House to a day care center. When they heard this, 3-year-olds everywhere said, “Oh no — do not lump us in with that guy.” - The average ticket for tonight’s Dodgers-Astros World Series game is about $3,000. Isn’t that crazy? For that kind of money, you could see half of “Hamilton.” - The opening game of the World Series is here in Los Angeles and it’s 104 degrees outside. So, think of this: While none of us are at the World Series, at least we have air conditioning. - A California elementary school is under fire for putting up a Donald Trump scarecrow. Even worse, 30 percent of the crows still think the Trump scarecrow is doing a great job. - Foreign policy experts say that the president of China is now the world’s most powerful person. As you can imagine, that came as quite a shock to Beyoncé. - Nickelodeon has fired a male producer after multiple accusations of sexual harassment. He’s the creator of Nickelodeon’s “SpongeBob No-Pants.” Tip: [How to Retire Comfortably on $2,000]( --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Late Show With James Corden - President Trump and Republican Sen. Bob Corker have now re-ignited their feud. In an interview this morning, Corker slammed Trump and his foreign policy. President Trump, of course, responded on Twitter. In a series of tweets, Trump called Corker a “lightweight,” he called him “incompetent,” and he mocked his height by once again calling him “Liddle Bob Corker.” So, looks like the first lady’s anti-bullying initiative still has a ways to go. - At one point, Corker told reporters that Trump’s legacy will be “the debasement of our nation.” Yeah, debasement. As in, when Trump starts a war, I’ll be hiding in de basement. - Then Trump responded by tweeting that Corker couldn’t get elected dog catcher in Tennessee. For the record, Corker is a sitting senator from Tennessee. He got elected twice. Before that, Corker was elected mayor of Chattanooga, Tennessee. So, Mr. President, you’re right. He couldn’t get elected dog catcher, because he’s too busy getting elected to every other job in that state. - Today was the opening game of the World Series at Dodger Stadium, and it was one of the hottest on record, with temperatures around 97 degrees. That’s so hot. If it were one degree higher, it would be a boy band. ALERT: [These 5 Things Activate Cancer in Your Body]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Jimmy Kimmel Live! - It was 102 in L.A. today. Not 100, 102. It is almost Halloween. It used to be cold here on Halloween. We don’t wear skimpy Halloween costumes to be sexy, we wear them to survive. - If the temperature holds up, Game 1 tonight between the Dodgers and Astros will be the hottest World Series game ever. The first two games are in Los Angeles. And then it moves to a cooler climate, the Gobi Desert. - This is the Dodgers’ first World Series in almost 30 years. Since 1988. It is a tough ticket to come by. The average ticket price for Game 1 was about $1,300. To put that in perspective, right now a ticket to the World Series is worth more than the Weinstein Company. - There is a major scandal in the world of the Iditarod. It turns out some of the dogs in the race are on drugs. Dogs belonging to the four-time musher tested positive for a banned substance. Officials became suspicious when one of the dogs stood on its hind legs and lifted the sled over its head in celebration. - These are powerful drugs. Opioids. These are the same drugs Santa uses to make his reindeer fly. [Prostate Size Can Greatly Affect Quality of Life and Sleep. What Size Is Yours? See This Photo.]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Late Night With Seth Meyers - A protester posing as a journalist threw Russian flags at President Trump as he arrived at the Capitol today. And, this is weird, Trump signed them and threw them back. - Sen. Bob Corker said today that President Trump will be remembered for, quote, “the debasement of our nation.” Said Trump, “Fake news! I never go down to debasement! That’s where we keep Eric.” - Tomorrow is Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner’s 8th wedding anniversary. Said Donald Trump, “Anniversaries go up to 8?!” [Reverse Type 2 Diabetes, New Strategies Show How]( --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Show With Stephen Colbert - I don’t know if you’re paying attention, but internal strife is tearing the Republican Party apart at the seams. It’s like a new Civil War, only neither side is trying to help black people. - The latest shots from Fort Trumpter are against Tennessee Sen. Bob Corker. Corker and Trump have been fighting, head to head like two rams, for a while now. You might recall that Corker called the White House “an adult day care center.” OK, clever. Not entirely accurate — with Trump, you also need a night shift. 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