Late Night Jokes: Moron-osaurus Rex

Late Night Jokes of the Week The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon - President Trump just overtook Pope Francis as the most followed world leader on Twitter. The Pope couldn’t believe it – he said, “We both have more than Beyoncé? That can’t be right.” - I guess they could tell Trump passed the Pope when a plume of orange smoke came out of the White House. - Trump has more Twitter followers than Pope Francis. But the Pope doesn’t mind; he said, “My boss only had 12 followers, and he’s still pretty popular.” - O.J. Simpson said that during the nine years he’s been in prison, he hasn’t really changed at all. Then his parole officer said, “Ohhhkay – I guess you’re going back to prison.” - Trix cereal will bring back artificial colors after they were removed to make the cereal healthier. I guess they finally realized that no one’s buying Trix for the health benefits. - Google just released a pair of headphones that can translate 40 languages instantly. They say it’s a great way to travel to a new country and find out everyone’s making fun of you. - A man from Italy just set a Guinness World Record by putting on 13 pairs of underwear in 30 seconds. On the downside, he’s now banned from Victoria’s Secret. [Prayer Strengthens the Brain and Helps Fight Dementia]( --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Late Show With James Corden - Following yesterday’s story that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called Trump a moron, this morning Donald Trump went on a Twitter rant, saying, “This is fake news put out by NBC. Low news and reporting standards.” Now, he may be right about NBC having low standards. They did air 14 seasons of “The Apprentice.” - After posting the initial story about Tillerson calling Trump a moron, NBC journalists then shot back, saying that Tillerson actually called him a [bleeping] moron. I take it back about them having low standards. I think this is NBC’s greatest comeback since “Will & Grace.” - Archaeologists believe they have found the tomb of St. Nicholas beneath an ancient church in Turkey. St. Nicholas, of course, is the basis for the legend of Santa Claus. And they think they found him. Which means now when my son asks me if Santa is real, I can confidently say, “Yes! He is dead though. That’s why you didn’t get that bike.” Tip: [How to Retire Comfortably on $2,000]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Jimmy Kimmel Live! - A group of Turkish archaeologists claimed they’ve uncovered the final resting place of St. Nicholas, Old St. Nick. How do you explain that to kids? “I have some good news about Santa and some bad news. Good news is he was real. Santa is real – and Santa is dead.” - Of course Santa is dead, you force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen? - They found this tomb below the St. Nicholas church in Antalya. They believe the body inside is the fourth-century saint the church is named after, which makes sense. One of the archaeologists said, “We will reach the ground and maybe find the untouched body of St. Nicholas” – and thus the most depressing animated Christmas special ever was born. - It makes you wonder: If Santa is dead, whose lap have my children been sitting on? Just when you think the week wouldn’t get any worse, Santa’s dead and he’s rotting under a Turkish church. - President Trump is still fuming about this Rex Tillerson story. It was reported yesterday Secretary of State Rex Tillerson wanted to resign earlier this year and referred to the president as a “effing moron” at a meeting. Trump tweeted multiple times yesterday, insisting the story was fake. Tillerson decided to hold a press conference at which he denied ever wanting to resign, but did not answer the moron question. That’s got the president’s little thumbs tingling. This morning he again tweeted, “Why isn’t the Senate Intel Committee looking into the fake news networks in our country to see why so much of our news is just made up, fake!” I guess he’s moved on from Puerto Rico and Las Vegas. - The Senate Intel Committee, by the way, is busy right now looking into the fake news stories the Russians made up to help Trump win the election. The other irony is no one, no breathing human on planet Earth, produces more fake news than Donald Trump. This is Donald Trump’s rating on PolitiFact, the nonpartisan fact-checking organization: According to them only 5 percent of the things that come out of his mouth are true. More than two-thirds, 69 percent, are either mostly false, false, or pants on fire false. - This is another chart, from The Washington Post. Over the last 232 days, Donald Trump has made 1,145 claims that are false or misleading. And that’s just the stuff he says in public. Donald Trump is a tornado of fake news. He’s the Michael Jordan, Elvis Presley, and Great Wall of China of fake news combined. Donald Trump criticizing fake news is like Hugh Hefner criticizing fake breasts. ALERT: [These 5 Things Activate Cancer in Your Body]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Late Night With Seth Meyers - Vice President Mike Pence will visit Puerto Rico tomorrow. Pence will survey the damage caused when Donald Trump made landfall. - Vice President Pence said in an op-ed yesterday that the U.S. will “lead in space again” under the Trump administration. Space? It took him two weeks to figure out how to get to Puerto Rico. - According to reports, Netflix is raising its prices next month. Wow, that is gonna be quite a burden on whoever’s password I’m using. [Prostate Size Can Greatly Affect Quality of Life and Sleep. What Size Is Yours? See This Photo.]( --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Show With Stephen Colbert - I am so worried about Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. Yesterday, NBC News reported Tillerson was on the verge of resigning his position this summer and had openly disparaged President Trump, referring to him as a “moron.” That’s usually something you say right before you quit. “Hey boss, can I have five minutes of your time? You moron.” - Now, Tillerson’s spokesperson vehemently denied he ever said it: [clip of spokeswoman] “He does not use that language to speak about anyone. [I know] because I take the secretary at his word.” OK, she takes him at his word. And what was his word again? [clip of reporter] “Can you address the main headline of this story that you called the president a moron?” [clip of Tillerson] “I’m not going to deal with petty stuff like that.” Yeah, his word was “moron.” He vehemently would rather not answer that question. - Apparently this story stuck in Trump’s craw, because this morning he tweeted, “Rex Tillerson never threatened to resign. This is fake news put out by NBC News. Low news and reporting standards. No verification from me.” [imitates Trump] “And as you know nothing’s true without verification from me. Obama’s birth certificate? Totally fake till I said it wasn’t. Last year’s election? Totally rigged until I won it. But what do I know? I’m a verified moron.” - And administration officials are confident that Tillerson will stay, because apparently there’s an agreement between Defense Secretary James Mattis, Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin and Tillerson, whereby all three Cabinet secretaries vow to leave in the event that the president makes moves against one of them. And Trump is known for making moves. Rex, if the president offers to take you furniture shopping, get out of there. Just get out of there! And take your cat with you! Because he’s grabbin’ it! - Media reports have referred to the agreement as a “suicide pact.” That’s when you know things are going great in a workplace, when people starting forming suicide pacts. They’ve also agreed that if none of them are with someone by the time they’re 70, they’ll marry each other. - Meanwhile, on Capitol Hill, it looks like Congress might finally do something about gun control. Yesterday, congressional Republicans signaled that they would be open to banning gun conversion kits called “bump stocks,” which take advantage of a semiautomatic gun’s natural recoil, allowing it to bounce back and forth off a shooter’s trigger finger and unleash up to 100 rounds in seven seconds. It’s great for hunting – if you’ve got seven seconds to kill every animal in the forest. - Right now, these devices are totally legal because, according to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, a bump stock “is a firearm part and, therefore, is not regulated as a firearm.” Yes, it’s not a gun, it’s just a part of a gun. Like when your parents find your bong and you tell them, “Hey, there’s no weed in there now, so technically, that is a vase.” - Right now, banning bump stocks seems to have bipartisan support. The NRA even says they should be regulated. Unfortunately, there are people who are unwilling to even discuss this proposal. Like the executive director of Gun Owners of America, who said, “Realistically, they are already on the market, so passing a law banning them isn’t going to stop bad guys.” Same reason crystal meth should be legal – it’s already on the market, and passing a law isn’t going to stop me from fighting you with a sharpened toothbrush. - It’s shaping up to be a dramatic season for the ol’ pigskin kick and toss. But there’s some controversy. The latest comes from this press conference with Carolina quarterback Cam Newton. [clip of Newton responding to female reporter’s question] “Wow, it’s funny to hear a female talk about routes.” Could he be more patronizing and insulting? And this has hurt Newton. Today, we learned that his sponsor, Dannon, has dropped him as a spokesman. Too bad. It was funny to see a male talk about yogurt. 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