All is not well

[The beef 675] [I'm an image] “What’s the worst that could happen?” - Jeff, on the situation in the Middle East [Read The Beef Online - Click Here]( Hey there carnivores, Markets fell yesterday. But the real story came after-hours. More on that below. Keep raging, Jeff & Jason [Image] [I'm an image] All is not well Sh*t has officially hit the fan. Last night Iran claimed responsibility for [ballistic missile attacks]( on two airbases in Iraq where US forces are stationed. Cue the #WWIII memes. The attacks are retaliation against last week's killing of Iranian Major General Qasem Soleimani at Baghdad International Airport by a US drone. In case you have been living under a rock, Soleimani was linked to multiple attacks on US troops. Iran vowed to avenge the military leader's death and it appears to have followed through... with literally "tens of missiles." *US shudders* The fallout Stock futures [tumbled]( as much as 400 points late Tuesday but recovered as the evening went on. Still, markets are expected to open lower. Unsurprisingly, defense stocks (think: Stark Industries) rose after hours. Meanwhile, gold jumped 2% as investors sought out safer asset classes. Super original, you guys. And black gold [rose more than 4%]( overnight as fear of Iranian retaliation against oil infrastructure in the region persists. Global impact But wait, there's more! Asian markets also felt the blow, as the Nikkei fell 2% after news of the attack. The Japanese Yen, which is also considered a safe haven, strengthened against the US Dollar, up 0.6% on the news. The bottom line... It is unclear whether this attack was "the" retaliation, or if more is coming. At this time, no US casualties have been reported and POTUS claimed that "All is well!" via twitter... as if he was casually replying to a half-hearted "How are things?" email. [I'm an image] Just in case the world doesn’t end via nuclear apocalypse in the next 24-hours… … you might as well keep those profits rolling in. [CHECK OUT MY JASON BOND PICKS RIGHT F*CKING NOW]( [I'm an image] ☑️ Big if true. News broke late last night that a Boeing 737 (not a Max) carrying 180 passengers [crashed]( outside of Tehran, Iran. Early reports indicate that the accident was a result of "technical" issues. The plane belonged to Ukrainian Airlines and was headed for Ukraine. Stay tuned. ☑️ Highest in the room. Bitcoin hits its highest price since November. The crypto [reached $8k](, due in part to the escalation between the US and Iran. Bitcoin saw same day growth of 7.3%, rising to $8,128, the largest daily increase since December 18th. Is bitcoin the digital version of buying gold bars and burying them in the back yard ahead of the upcoming nuclear apocalypse? Hard to say. ☑️ See you in court. Sonos [filed a lawsuit]( on Tuesday, accusing Google-parent Alphabet of stealing its speaker technology, while also infringing on patents. Sonos wants to see a ban on the sale of Google smartphones, speakers, and laptops in the US, according to the suit. Prior to the scuffle, Sonos collaborated with Google and Google Assistant. That is, of course, until Google began building its own audio products. Fun fact: if you ever want to upset a boomer turn the heat up and tell them that their Sonos soundbar was a waste of money. ☑️ Dance off! Tesla launched its Model Y in China, drawing not only a [3.88% jump]( in stock price… but also unsolicited dancing from CEO Elon Musk that was arguably the “whitest thing ever.” In the last six months, Tesla shares have close to doubled, giving the electric car maker a market valuation of $84.5B. For those of you keeping track at home, that’s just $2B short of GM... and Ford… combined. ☑️ Guilty by association. Japan is keeping former Nissan executive Carlos Ghosn’s fugitive status in the family. On Tuesday, Japan issued an [arrest warrant]( for Ghosn’s wife on suspicion of perjury. Prosecutors allege that Carole Ghosn lied during a sworn testimony while defending her husband in court. The long arm of the law claims that while Mrs. Ghosn doesn’t remember meeting with a witness, she did in fact, meet (and exchanges texts) with the witness in question. Mrs. Ghosn, for the record, is safely in Lebanon... presumably getting her "conjugal visit" on with Carlos. ☑️ Off the deep end. Facebook is [cracking down]( on deepfakes. Facebook said it would label misleading videos, but only those that had been edited beyond being apparent to the average person. Facebook also took the time to stand by its stance that parody and satire content would be protected, while also protecting video that had been edited to “omit or change the order of words.” Facebook is severely underestimating how stupid people are. 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