Unfriending: Who’s on your list?

It's time to clean house. Social media has become the proverbial town hall of our times—more so with the pandemic keeping people at home—and sprinkled in our newsfeeds are problematic diatribes: A high school classmate tweeting about how “all Muslims are terrorists.” A distant family member condoning police brutality. An ex-colleague attempting to tear apart feminism. Most of us have learned to scroll past these outbursts. If someone is a tough online hang, maybe we mute them. But when the vitriol becomes too much to handle, there’s a bolder option: Unfriending. If you’ve been Marie Kondo-ing your friends lists to only retain the ones who bring joy, you know the [mental peace]( it brings. If you shrink from severing ties online because of real-world consequences, your concern is valid. Gather up your courage. 🐦 [Tweet this]( 🌐 [View this email on the web]( [Quartz Weekly Obsession] Unfriending January 12, 2022 To unfriend or not to unfriend --------------------------------------------------------------- Social media has become the proverbial town hall of our times—more so with the pandemic keeping people at home—and sprinkled in our newsfeeds are problematic diatribes: A high school classmate tweeting about how “all Muslims are terrorists.” A distant family member condoning police brutality. An ex-colleague attempting to tear apart feminism. Most of us have learned to scroll past these outbursts. If someone is a tough online hang, maybe we mute them. But when the vitriol becomes too much to handle, there’s a bolder option: Unfriending. If you’ve been Marie Kondo-ing your friends lists to only retain the ones who bring joy, you know the [mental peace]( it brings. If you shrink from severing ties online because of real-world consequences, your concern is valid. Gather up your courage. 🐦 [Tweet this]( 🌐 [View this email on the web]( Why we cut them loose --------------------------------------------------------------- A [2010 study]( by Christopher Sibona of the University of Colorado Denver found that the three most common reasons for unfriending on Facebook were: [🌊]( Frequent, unimportant posts [🗳️]( Posting about polarizing topics like religion and politics [🚫]( Inappropriate posts, such as crude or racist comments And often, it’s not a tasteless post or controversial opinion itself that leads to unfriending. It’s how the sentiment is expressed. Many [refuse to tolerate]( anger, intimidation, and condescension in their social media spheres. By the digits [5%:]( Share of Americans who used social media in 2005 [72%:]( Share of Americans who used social media in 2021 [40%:]( Share of participants who say they would, in real life, avoid people who unfriended them, according to a 2013 study of over 500 people [24%](: Share of survey respondents in the US who unfriended someone over politics in 2021 [17.85%:]( Share of participants in a 2014 online survey who unfriended people from high school—the most-likely-to-be-unfriended group [20% and 15%:]( Share of American survey respondents who unfriended friends and family members, respectively, over disagreements around covid [30:]( Number of days you can snooze someone on Facebook [17:]( Specifically, Nov. 17, which Jimmy Kimmel coined as “National Unfriend Day” in 2010, urging people to purge their friend lists The Trump effect --------------------------------------------------------------- Making an online bid for the presidency began with Barack Obama in 2008, when he used various channels like Facebook, YouTube, and online fundraising to reach his voter base. In 2012, his re-election campaign went even more digital. Come 2016, when Republican candidate Donald Trump was [vilifying immigrants](, [spouting Islamophobic comments](, and [making derogatory statements about women]( in his rallies and debates, US elections achieved new levels of nasty. Add smartphones, social media, and cheap data plans to the mix, and human decency never had a chance. “In 2012, I was able to gladly have a discussion with those who supported [GOP nominee] Mitt Romney, and often was able to sympathize with their point of view,” Emily Potts, a Clinton supporter, [told CNBC](. “This election could not have been more different.” Americans weren’t alone. In India, left-wingers [wanted to unfriend]( those who supported the right-wing ruling party. The same story [played out in Brazil](. But are differences in political opinions grounds for obliterating relationships, and does it achieve anything? Or is unfriending just [virtue signalling](? Some would argue that it simply [isolates people]( and closes the door on dialogue. Giphy Pros and cons --------------------------------------------------------------- If you delete enough people because of disagreements, you could find yourself within one of social media’s most dangerous places: the echo chamber. Without being exposed to diverse opinions—even if you disagree with them—you [run the risk]( of becoming more radical, and being subject to [confirmation and consensus bias](. In simpler terms, you pay attention only to information that aligns with your existing beliefs. Sometimes you just have to apply the out of sight, out of mind mantra. Unfriending is an effective way to disconnect from someone’s life—you don’t have to view it from the outside via a social media lens, and you’re unable to passively spectate or actively engage. That’s probably why it can [work great for getting over exes](. However, the aftermath isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. What feels like a power move in the moment [may backfire]( and leave you thinking about the person you deleted even more. According to David Baker, a clinical psychologist, “avoidance or suppression (of a fear, thought, or feeling) is often ineffective and can actually serve to perpetuate that which we are trying to avoid.” Fun fact! “Unfriend” was named the word of the year by the New Oxford American Dictionary in 2009, which defined the word as “to remove someone as a ‘friend’ from a social networking site such as Facebook.” The platform was just five years old then; Twitter was two; and Instagram didn’t even exist. Giphy Pop Quiz Which of these words was NOT a runner up? HashtagIntexticatedSextingGhosting Correct. Yep, though one could make an argument it’s just a cowardly way to unfriend. Incorrect. Incorrect message: Nope, this was a contender for New Oxford American Dictionary's word of the year in 2009 (see above). If your inbox doesn’t support this quiz, find the solution at bottom of email. Youtube Watch this Unfriended was a 2014 horror movie that takes place entirely on a screen via Skype calls. Warning: Even the trailer of this movie can be quite upsetting. It also includes mentions of suicide. The movie follows six teens who become the target of an online stalker. Watching it on your own computer screen makes you feel like you are the protagonist. Creepy. Giphy Playlist 🎶 Songs to unfriend by 🎶 --------------------------------------------------------------- Some of our favorite tunes to listen to when tidying up a friend list. [Listen on Spotify]( Giphy Poll Would you unfriend someone you see regularly IRL? [Click here to vote]( No, never, too awkwardI’d mute and restrict them, but keep them on the friend listOne weird post, and they’re out! 💬 let's talk! In last week’s poll about [performance reviews](, 67% of you said you prefer regular check-ins, 27% of you think reviews are useless, and 6% want to save the annual review. ✏️ [What did you think of today’s email?](mailto:obsession%2Bfeedback@qz.com?cc=&subject=Thoughts%20about%20unfriending%20&body=) 💡 [What should we obsess over next?](mailto:obsession%2Bideas@qz.com?cc=&subject=Obsess%20over%20this%20next.&body=) 🎲 [Show me a random Obsession]( Today’s email was written by [Ananya Bhattacharya]( (mutual unfriender if unfriended first), edited by [Susan Howson]( (never friended them in the first place), and produced by [Jordan Weinstock]( (actively trimming the hedges). [facebook]([twitter]([external-link]( The correct answer to the quiz is Ghosting. Enjoying the Quartz Weekly Obsession? [Send this link]( to a friend! Want to advertise in the Quartz Weekly Obsession? Send us an email at ads@qz.com. Not enjoying it? No worries. [Click here]( to unsubscribe. 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