The ONE Word That Helps You Find Your Power

Having trouble viewing this email? [View it in your browser]( PickTheBrain's Weekly Newsletter Each week we'll keep you informed about features, products, and service updates. Be sure to go to our [website]( and follow us on [twitter]( for more frequent news in between. [logo.2.png] A letter from the editor february 26, 2018 The ONE Word That Helps You Find Your Power I am a writer, so words matter to me. I make a living from them. But for someone who places great value on their importance, (I often spend many minutes on just one word choice), it was staggering to realize how careless I was with my everyday speech. Why would I take so much care and act with such precision when communicating what my fictional characters felt and desired and yet be so cavalier with things that represent my needs and wants. Clear, direct communication is a foundation of success and part of its fulfillment. Being able to articulate what you want, what your abilities and responsibilities are and who you are is the bedrock of getting things done effectively. How many times have you agreed to something but as the words are coming out of your mouth, you’re already regretting them? If you’re anything like I was, the answer to these questions is: daily. If I wasn’t squeezing in an after-work networking event every night, I was busy apologizing to a friend that I couldn’t hang out on the weekend. It was always something. And while there are immediate consequences to this behavior – a constant state of low-level discomfort – it’s the long-term consequences that are far more troublesome. I want to underscore the power of saying what you mean. It is fundamental to personal power. The converse is also true – not saying what you mean will inevitably weaken you. And every time you do it, it chips away at your personal power, without exception. It dissolves your self-confidence. It silences your true voice. And as a result, it is impossible to get things done in a meaningful way. How could it be otherwise? You can’t move forward effectively if you aren’t operating as a whole version of yourself. So let’s start with the basic, the smallest, but perhaps the most powerful verbal tweak you must start making right now. NO. Traditional thinking goes that to get ahead you must say yes to every opportunity that comes your way. And if what is coming your way is a door swinging open, leading you toward your true goals, then hell yes you’re saying yes. If you dream of setting up shop as a florist, you only need your own permission (and a sense of your own value) to say yes to creating arrangements for your first wedding party. A spot opens up in a seminar featuring a leader in your field and I’m packing your bags for you while you’re saying yes. When your partner – who is a true partner in fun, shared responsibility, as well as love – wants to take things to the next level and move in together, then yes, yes, yes! What yes shouldn’t be is a blank cheque and for many of us it is. Having been raised to be agreeable, helpful, nice girls, women are prone to say yes to things without consideration for how it effects them. We’ve been trained so thoroughly to be help others that it feels good to do it, as it reinforces a positive sense of self we were brought up to have. I bet just reading these sentences is setting off alarm bells. Is Erin telling me to stop thinking of others? Is she actually encouraging me to be selfish? Who will like me if I put myself first? Let me be clear, of course there’s nothing wrong with helping others. But the fact that asking you to think of all that you do for others without first considering yourself feels uncomfortable, shows you how the helpful/selfish binary is set up in way that’s profoundly unhelpful to women. So Just when and How To Say NO? 1. Get honest with yourself about what you want to do and what you don’t want to do but continue doing because you don’t want to disappoint anyone. 2. Point out the problem. If you’re in a workplace where you feel you’re doing too much housekeeping and not enough of your actual job, let your manager know. Of course, this assumes a certain kind of closeness with your boss. 3. Stop volunteering to do things you don’t like to do and won’t effect your positively. Yes, women are asked to do more support work in the workplace but you can also stop raising your hand. This can be even tougher than saying ‘no.’ The urge to be helpful and to please is powerful. But ask yourself if people in positions of power at your workplace are doing these tasks? 4. Just say ‘no.’ And then offer an alternative. “I’d rather not take notes again, as I’ve got a lot to add to this meeting. I don’t think Pete has taken notes yet – Pete, got a pencil?” 5. Practice. If you’ve been someone who has always been agreeable, then that’s what people expect of you. It takes to time to re-train the people around you that you’re going to be looking out for yourself from now on. It’s okay, they’ll get over it. 6. On the home front, it’s more productive to ask your partner to pick up a job than to complain he or she isn’t doing it. Even if your spouse really should know that you don’t love booking every one of your kids’ music lessons, tutors and sports team, if he hasn’t clued in, get that done. Rather than get into a “who does more around here” battle which will surely end badly, cut straight to the request. “I could really use your help with figuring out summer camps, can you take that on?” 7. It gets better. Creating boundaries for yourself can be uncomfortable (for you and those around you) but if you stick with it, you’ll feel more and more at home in this new land of ‘no’. 8. Oh, 5. If you’re a manager or on your way to becoming a manager, be sure you’re not part of this problem. Finally, as if saying no in the work place isn’t difficult enough, oddly with friends and family (the people who should support and understand you), it’s even more difficult. I used to pride myself on being an excellent friend. I always answered the phone, I always had time to listen to any problem, I would always try my absolute best to make myself available for drinks or coffee or shopping. The problem is, the second I couldn’t be available for one reason or another, I would feel an immediate resentment towards me, as if I had failed. I would then carry around this feeling all day long, plotting and planning to ‘make it up’ to them – all the while distracting myself from the very thing I needed to get done. As I continued along this path, I noticed that more and more I felt like I was in the dog house for disappointing people. Which really hurt, because I love these people! And yet, I started to grow resentful, because I was constantly having to comprise myself for everyone else’s happiness. One day, when I was particularly upset at the raging guilt trip I had just received because I couldn’t meet for a happy hour drink as a result of a looming deadline, I became furious after I hung up the phone. My mind swirled with rage as I began to categorize every thankless thing I’d ever done for any one of my family and friends. I was now mad at everybody. When I started to calm down, I tried to figure out how I got here. And after trying to point blame at specific people or situations, I realized I was the common thread in every situation. I, actually, was the problem. What I had done was, out of a need to please or out of guilt, made myself available 24/7 and therefore set up an unrealistic expectation. People are people and we are always going to take whatever we can get – so you better set up boundaries and expectations that make sense, first and foremost, for YOU. This, by nature, can be a little challenging, especially if you’re already entrenched in unsustainable situations, but the importance for your mental health and the health of your relationships depends on honesty and the ability to say no with as much confidence as you say yes. Want to know what other words are really holding you back? You can find them all in my new book: [How To Get Sh*t Done: Why Women Need To Stop Doing Everything So They Can Achieve Anything]( I hope you have a great week! Be Well, Erin 6 Things Successful People Refuse To Do I like to think that there is a meaning to life- [Continue Reading >>]( Your Life, Your Rules – Why Happiness Shouldn’t Feel Like Hard Work The biggest lie I was told growing up was that- [Continue Reading >>]( This email was sent to {EMAIL} [why did I get this?]( [unsubscribe from this list]( [update subscription preferences]( PickTheBrain · 207 W 25th Street · Suite 507 · New York, NY 10001 · USA