Opinion Today: Suffering doesn’t always have to be meaningful

Sometimes painful experiences are just painful. [View in browser](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRnTa_GP4QpAWh0dHBzOi8vbWVzc2FnaW5nLWN1c3RvbS1uZXdzbGV0dGVycy5ueXRpbWVzLmNvbS90ZW1wbGF0ZS9vYWt2Mj9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0zOSZlbWM9ZWRpdF90eV8yMDIzMTIwMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0xMDkxMDUmbmw9b3Bpbmlvbi10b2RheSZwcm9kdWN0Q29kZT1UWSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTUxNTQwJnRlPTEmdXJpPW55dCUzQSUyRiUyRm5ld3NsZXR0ZXIlMkZkZjg4YzY1Yi1jOTI3LTU1ZDItYjgyZC0xZjFhNThkNWQ1YjQmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgplacYqa2UGsRQbUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAM~)|[nytimes.com](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRnTa_GP0SxaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTM5JmVtYz1lZGl0X3R5XzIwMjMxMjAyJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTEwOTEwNSZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xNTE1NDAmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmVpxiprZQaxFBtSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAw~~)[Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-ad-marquee) [Marquee Ad](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRnTa_GP0SYaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTYyMTM5JmxpPVRZJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1UWV8yMDIzMTIwMiZ0ZT0xJm5sPW9waW5pb24tdG9kYXkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMzEyMDJXA255dEIKZWnGKmtlBrEUG1IbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAD) [Read more from Opinion](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRnTa_GP0TAaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vc2VjdGlvbi9vcGluaW9uP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTM5JmVtYz1lZGl0X3R5XzIwMjMxMjAyJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTEwOTEwNSZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xNTE1NDAmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmVpxiprZQaxFBtSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAw~~) December 2, 2023 It turns out that in times of deep grief, serious illness and other significant life disruptions, our sanest and most caring option is often to absolve ourselves of any pressure to find meaning or growth in our experience. Photo illustration by Rachel Sperry; source photographs via Getty Images By Brad Stulberg In 2017, I experienced the sudden onset of obsessive compulsive disorder and depression, which for the better part of a year deprived me of peace, joy and the ability to work. At the time, I was an emerging “expert” on performance. I was therefore familiar with the large body of psychological research and popular self-help literature that extols the benefits of finding meaning in suffering. Yet despite my best efforts, I was unable to see my suffering as anything other than a source of pain, which made me feel like a fraud. My guest [essay](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRnTa_GP0TbaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8xMS8yNS9vcGluaW9uL2dyaWVmLW1lYW5pbmctbGlmZS5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTM5JmVtYz1lZGl0X3R5XzIwMjMxMjAyJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTEwOTEwNSZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xNTE1NDAmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmVpxiprZQaxFBtSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAw~~) for Times Opinion explores this paradox of making meaning and finding growth after periods of significant upheaval, chaos and disorder, of which there is a lot these days. Many people are feeling overwhelmed by events in their own lives, by events in the world, and by a combination of the two. We want to grow and find meaning — and we can and often do — but it takes time and can’t be forced. When we try too hard and too quickly to find growth and meaning, they elude us. I don’t love writing about the season of O.C.D. and depression in my life. It was super painful and revisiting it is hard. Yet I think some of what I learned about growing from struggle during this period, which was later validated in my reporting and research, affects us all, perhaps especially in our current moment. It is also an area that much of the personal development business gets completely wrong, and in doing so causes significant harm. As I write in my essay, the most important thing you can do in a time of suffering is just to get through it. READ STULBERG’S ESSAY HERE [GUEST ESSAY Not Everything Has to Be Meaningful Sometimes painful experiences are just painful. And that’s OK, too. By Brad Stulberg](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRnTa_GP0TbaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8xMS8yNS9vcGluaW9uL2dyaWVmLW1lYW5pbmctbGlmZS5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTM5JmVtYz1lZGl0X3R5XzIwMjMxMjAyJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTEwOTEwNSZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xNTE1NDAmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmVpxiprZQaxFBtSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAw~~) [Article Image](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRnTa_GP0TbaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8xMS8yNS9vcGluaW9uL2dyaWVmLW1lYW5pbmctbGlmZS5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTM5JmVtYz1lZGl0X3R5XzIwMjMxMjAyJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTEwOTEwNSZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xNTE1NDAmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmVpxiprZQaxFBtSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAw~~) [Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-universal-0) ADVERTISEMENT [Ad](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRnTa_GP0SXaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9NTk3ODUmbGk9VFkmbT1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkNyZwPVRZXzIwMjMxMjAyJnRlPTEmbmw9b3Bpbmlvbi10b2RheSZlbWM9ZWRpdF90eV8yMDIzMTIwMlcDbnl0QgplacYqa2UGsRQbUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAM~) THE WEEK IN BIG IDEAS [[Article Image] Carolyn Drake/Magnum](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRnTa_GP0TmaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8xMS8yOC9vcGluaW9uL2NsaW1hdGUtdXpiZWtpc3Rhbi13YXRlci1hcmFsLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MzkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMzEyMDImaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9MTA5MTA1Jm5sPW9waW5pb24tdG9kYXkmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTE1MTU0MCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKZWnGKmtlBrEUG1IbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAD) [GUEST ESSAY A Giant Inland Sea Is Now a Desert, and a Warning for Humanity The Aral Sea’s demise matters to us all. 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But the science behind it is crumbling. 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In the short term, recycling might be the best option we have against our growing waste crisis. By Oliver Franklin-Wallis](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRnTa_GP0TpaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8xMS8yOS9vcGluaW9uL3JlY3ljbGluZy1wbGFzdGljLXBhcGVyLWFsdW1pbnVtLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MzkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMzEyMDImaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9MTA5MTA1Jm5sPW9waW5pb24tdG9kYXkmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTE1MTU0MCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKZWnGKmtlBrEUG1IbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAD) [Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-universal-1) ADVERTISEMENT [Ad](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRnTa_GP0SYaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MjAxODEyJmxpPVRZJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1UWV8yMDIzMTIwMiZ0ZT0xJm5sPW9waW5pb24tdG9kYXkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMzEyMDJXA255dEIKZWnGKmtlBrEUG1IbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAD) Subscribe Today New York Times Opinion curates a wide range of views, inviting rich discussion and debate that help readers analyze the world. 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