The Ethicist: My co-worker said something terrible. Do I call him out?

It was something horrifying about the Holocaust. 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To continue receiving The Ethicist in your inbox twice a week, subscribe to The Times. [Subscribe to The Times](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlz5TmP0TNaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vc3Vic2NyaXB0aW9uP2NhbXBhaWduSWQ9OEhMS0gmY2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MjgyJmVtYz1lZGl0X3RlXzIwMjMwMjE1Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTg1Mzc3Jm5sPXRoZS1ldGhpY2lzdCZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTI1Mzk0JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpj4eYP7WMv8lbhUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) for unlimited access to our journalism and all of our newsletters. [Author Headshot](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlz5TmP0TDaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vY29sdW1uL3RoZS1ldGhpY2lzdD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0yODImZW1jPWVkaXRfdGVfMjAyMzAyMTUmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9ODUzNzcmbmw9dGhlLWV0aGljaXN0JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMjUzOTQmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmPh5g_tYy_yVuFSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) By [Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlz5TmP0TDaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vY29sdW1uL3RoZS1ldGhpY2lzdD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0yODImZW1jPWVkaXRfdGVfMjAyMzAyMTUmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9ODUzNzcmbmw9dGhlLWV0aGljaXN0JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMjUzOTQmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmPh5g_tYy_yVuFSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) Illustration by Tomi Um Today, The New York Times Magazine’s Ethicist columnist answers a reader’s question about how to respond when a colleague makes an inappropriate comment. My Co-Worker Said Something Terrible. Do I Call Him Out? Recently, a friend at work, who is an excellent physician and very caring toward his patients, made a horrifying comment about the Holocaust. I was literally shocked into silence. Some of the other doctors at the table let out embarrassed laughs. I believe that this person is aware that my wife is Jewish. I feel terrible that I didn’t say anything. Can I bring up the issue with him now, weeks later? It also might mean the end of our friendship. What to do? — Name Withheld From the Ethicist: If a friend says something that, weeks later, still weighs on your mind, you really should let the person know. Maybe this man will offer a genuine apology, or persuade you that, while his words were poorly chosen, he hadn’t meant to say what you took him to be saying. In those circumstances, speaking up might save a friendship that, I suspect, will wither if you don’t reveal what’s on your mind. Having that difficult conversation could provide an opportunity to address and perhaps resolve the sense of outrage you feel. Then again, maybe your colleague will remain unmoved and unrepentant, leaving you with a decision to make. Yes, friends can have differences of opinion on a range of topics. But someone who reveals a moral void within himself may be undeserving of friendship. Thoughts? If you’d like to share a response to today’s dilemma with the Ethicist and other subscribers in the next newsletter, fill out [this form](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlz5TmP0TaaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wMS8yMC9tYWdhemluZS9ldGhpY2lzdC1jb21tZW50cy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTI4MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF90ZV8yMDIzMDIxNSZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD04NTM3NyZubD10aGUtZXRoaWNpc3QmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEyNTM5NCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKY-HmD-1jL_JW4VIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA). A Bonus Question I’ve been divorced for more than 40 years. Long after the divorce, my ex went to prison for having sex with a teenage girl. He was also physically abusive to me. Currently he is a conspiracy theorist and an anti-vax zealot. He has been out of touch with our now 40-something son for more than three decades. Recently he found me and is asking for our son’s contact info. I’m terrified of my ex. He’s a Vietnam vet with a head injury. Although he’s in his 70s, he is truly a violent, terrifying person. I’m in therapy dealing with PTSD from my time with him. Still, this is my son’s biological father. A further complication: My son and I have been estranged for five years, since my mother died. I am no prize. I failed my son as a mother in every respect, so I feel ill equipped to judge. (I don’t make or accept excuses for mental illness.) What is my responsibility here? Am I wrong not to share my ex’s contact information with my son so he can decide for himself? I’ve struggled with this for over a year. Because my ex is in his 70s, if I don’t do anything, this decision may soon be out of my hands. — Name Withheld From the Ethicist: It’s heartbreaking to contemplate a sequence of events in which a man who may be suffering from PTSD himself behaves in such a way as to induce PTSD in others. But it’s not for you to decide whether this septuagenarian and this middle-aged man should be in touch; the choice is your son’s. Your relationship toward your son is clearly fraught with guilt and self-reproach. You care deeply about your son’s safety. Yet I fear that your desire to protect him has led you to disrespect him. Ask your son, perhaps in a written message, what he would prefer. You can stress your concerns, so that you feel assured that his decision is fully informed. And if your son does want to establish this connection, you can suggest, say, that he propose to meet first in a public place, allowing him to break off contact more easily if that seems best. What you shouldn’t do is to take the choice out of his hands. FROM THE ARCHIVES Back in 2019, the Ethicist answered a similar question about confronting the loathsome beliefs of peers. [[Article Image] Illustration by Tomi Um](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlz5TmP4QJAWh0dHBzOi8vd3d3Lm55dGltZXMuY29tLzIwMTkvMDkvMTcvbWFnYXppbmUvc2hvdWxkLWktY2hhbGxlbmdlLW15LWxvbmd0aW1lLWZyaWVuZHMtYWJvdXQtdGhlaXItYmlnb3RlZC12aWV3cy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTI4MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF90ZV8yMDIzMDIxNSZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD04NTM3NyZubD10aGUtZXRoaWNpc3QmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEyNTM5NCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKY-HmD-1jL_JW4VIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [THE ETHICIST Should I Challenge My Longtime Friends About Their Bigoted Views? The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on confronting friends about their prejudices, failing to curb an ex’s predatory behavior and more. By Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlz5TmP4QJAWh0dHBzOi8vd3d3Lm55dGltZXMuY29tLzIwMTkvMDkvMTcvbWFnYXppbmUvc2hvdWxkLWktY2hhbGxlbmdlLW15LWxvbmd0aW1lLWZyaWVuZHMtYWJvdXQtdGhlaXItYmlnb3RlZC12aWV3cy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTI4MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF90ZV8yMDIzMDIxNSZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD04NTM3NyZubD10aGUtZXRoaWNpc3QmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEyNTM5NCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKY-HmD-1jL_JW4VIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) Readers Respond Last week’s question was from a woman wondering how to support her friend, who was stuck in an abusive marriage with an alcoholic husband. Despite the clear abuse, the woman’s friend refused to leave her marriage. Exasperated, our letter writer shared: “Recently, [my friend’s] husband picked up her son from a friend’s house and drove with him while drunk. This still did not cause her to take her son and leave. I really don’t know what to say anymore.” In his response, the Ethicist noted: “You’ve done all the right things: You’ve made it clear to her that she is a person of value, that she doesn’t deserve to be treated this way, that she isn’t alone and that she’ll have a good network of support if she chooses to leave. … Being a bystander to this sort of horror show can make a person feel powerless. … All you can do is stay with her and hope she’ll take the necessary steps. (Reread the full question and answer [here](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlz5TmP0TfaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wMi8xMy9tYWdhemluZS9hYnVzaXZlLWh1c2JhbmQtZXRoaWNzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MjgyJmVtYz1lZGl0X3RlXzIwMjMwMjE1Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTg1Mzc3Jm5sPXRoZS1ldGhpY2lzdCZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTI1Mzk0JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpj4eYP7WMv8lbhUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~).) ⬥ The letter writer has another problem to consider. Knowing that the friend’s husband drove drunk while an underage child was in the car, she has to consider whether or not to call child protective services. This might strain her friendship with the abused wife, but it could also underscore to the wife the seriousness of her husband’s alcoholism. — Ellen ⬥ Concerning the Ethicist’s advice for the mother of a young boy to tell her son not to get in the car with his drunk father: It doesn’t work like that! A child is powerless to go against his abusive father. If the son refuses to get in the car he risks further abuse. No child should be put in the situation to police a drunk parent. Children should never be expected to mediate. — Donna ⬥ As a recovering alcoholic, I would add that the letter writer would do her husband a favor by leaving. I would bet she has already heard this from Al-Anon, but if she is bound by love and compassion for her husband, leaving him and letting him hit bottom on his own is an act of love. — Leslie ⬥ One reason I stayed married in a similar situation is because if we divorced, I believed my spouse would gain shared custody, in which case my children would spend time under his sole care and I would not be able to intervene. As recommended by my therapist, I instructed our children on drawing boundaries with their father, which proved successful. — Karis ⬥ As a survivor of this kind of abuse from my father, I would have welcomed support from my mother’s best friend. As the child, I needed a safe space and didn’t have it. I agree with you about having the writer continuing to support her friend and possibly provide a safe space for her and the child when the father is out of control. I never had that and I wish I did. — Jodi Enjoying this newsletter? Subscribe to keep receiving it. 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