The Ethicist: I don’t want my sister’s money. Is that fair to my toddler?

She wants to fund an account in my daughter’s name. 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[Author Headshot](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlxlpjP0TDaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vY29sdW1uL3RoZS1ldGhpY2lzdD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0yODImZW1jPWVkaXRfdGVfMjAyMzAyMDgmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9ODQ4MDImbmw9dGhlLWV0aGljaXN0JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMjQ3NTImdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmPhY9XjY0vBF8RSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) By [Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlxlpjP0TDaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vY29sdW1uL3RoZS1ldGhpY2lzdD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0yODImZW1jPWVkaXRfdGVfMjAyMzAyMDgmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9ODQ4MDImbmw9dGhlLWV0aGljaXN0JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMjQ3NTImdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmPhY9XjY0vBF8RSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) Illustration by Tomi Um Today, The New York Times Magazine’s Ethicist columnist answers a reader’s question about whether she is obligated to accept funds from a sibling she considers harmful. I Don’t Want My Sister’s Money. Is That Fair to My Toddler? My younger sister has not spoken to me since last Christmas, when I requested to stay in an ocean-view room in the house where our family planned to spend the holidays. I needed the room’s sitting area for pumping breast milk and feeding my 3-month-old. My sister preferred the ocean-view room, and even moved her and her partner’s things into the room for a few days before the rest of the family pressured her to leave and allow me space to pump in private. She punished us by yelling at us and by giving the family, including my infant daughter, the cold shoulder for the holiday. After that, my sister had a wedding in May, but she and her groom contracted Covid nine days before the welcome receptions were to begin. She didn’t understand why my husband and I declined to attend, and she declined to tell the rest of the guests she had Covid. (Others became sick after the event.) She has continued cold-shouldering me and my daughter, whose first birthday she ignored. Out of the blue, I received a text message from her that she and her husband want to fund an investment account for our daughter. We are not sure this seems wise to accept. Our daughter will be very well taken care of financially, even without these funds. I don’t want to accept funds from a couple who have proved emotionally abusive and tie my daughter to a potentially harmful relationship with them. Still, I wonder if declining funds on behalf of my 1-year-old is not fully my decision to make. Should I decline? From the Ethicist: Your sister’s behavior, as you describe it, is churlish and wrongheaded. But what you call emotional abuse comes across like a pretty ordinary family row. Your younger sister might insist — who knows? — that she had dibs on that oceanfront room and that, in her opinion, the other bedroom had plenty of space for you to pump and nurse. Maybe she’ll report that she and her husband tested negative for Covid on Day 4 and their doctor gave them the all-clear. (The research still indicates people are most infectious just before and just after the onset of Covid symptoms.) Claims like these don’t contradict your account or put your sister in the right. The point is simply that quarreling siblings typically have different stories to tell. Family disagreements like these don’t have to lead to permanent rifts, even if neither party ever admits to being wrong. And the natural way to interpret this text message is that, after a year of shunning you, she’s trying to re-establish a relationship. If you accept the offer with thanks, this froideur may defrost. The real issue isn’t about whether to accept money for your daughter; it’s about whether you want to keep open the possibility of your having a relationship with your younger sister — and therefore of your daughter’s having one. As a parent, your job is to act in your child’s interests; as a person, you’ll want to be mindful of your own. Alienating your daughter from her aunt isn’t likely to advance either goal. Thoughts? If you’d like to share a response to today’s dilemma with the Ethicist and other subscribers in the next newsletter, fill out [this form](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlxlpjP0TaaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wMS8yMC9tYWdhemluZS9ldGhpY2lzdC1jb21tZW50cy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTI4MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF90ZV8yMDIzMDIwOCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD04NDgwMiZubD10aGUtZXRoaWNpc3QmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEyNDc1MiZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKY-Fj1eNjS8EXxFIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA). A Bonus Question I live in a comfortable apartment in a four-unit building. My landlord is great, the rent is very reasonable and I love the neighborhood. I hope to remain a tenant for years to come. Unfortunately, one of the other tenants (with whom I share a wall) can be extremely volatile. When he gets angry at home, he screams and is verbally abusive toward his wife. I have worried about his wife’s safety on multiple occasions, as this screaming and verbal abuse is usually accompanied by him causing damage to their home. I’ve overheard him pounding on the walls and throwing things on the floor; I believe he has broken several pieces of furniture over the years. After his most recent episode, I watched him carry a broken chair to the dumpster later that day. The reason I hesitate to bring this to the attention of my landlord is that the tenant in question is my landlord’s brother. I don’t think my landlord would condone his brother’s behavior, but I don’t know if he would do anything to address it either. And I would be meddling in family affairs by bringing this up. I also worry that reporting this to my landlord or calling the police during his brother’s next major outburst might lead to some sort of retaliation against me. But I also want to live in peace, and these outbursts make me quite anxious and uncomfortable. Additionally, I feel as if someone needs to know about his behavior in the event that he escalates and one day hurts his wife or someone else. What should I do? — Name Withheld From the Ethicist: It sounds as if you have reason to worry that your neighbor poses a threat to his wife’s safety. What’s at stake here, then, is much more than your own comfort. Simply asking your neighbor directly to be more considerate seems unlikely to meet the need. The police would intervene if you notified them during an episode of violence. That might mean that he would then be dangerously angry at you, of course. Studies on police involvement in incidents of domestic violence have reached different conclusions: Some find no effect in preventing revictimization, while some researchers say that it can increase the risks to the partner, but the preponderance of the evidence supports the view that it won’t make things worse and might make things better. The police are unlikely to be able to do anything, though, unless you call them when you can hear that this man is behaving violently. Your landlord, on the other hand, can intervene when he chooses — urging his brother to stop embarrassing the family, for example, and perhaps persuading him to take anger-management classes. (Research suggests that these actually work for many participants.) You mention that there are four apartments in the building. A united approach to the landlord, asking him to do something to stop his brother from disturbing the peace of the building, would also give him notice that his sister-in-law may be in danger. FROM THE ARCHIVES Last year, the Ethicist answered a question about the obligations a reader had to a sibling he detested. [[Article Image] Illustration by Tomi Um](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlxlpjP0TfaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wMS8xMS9tYWdhemluZS9raWRuZXktZG9uYXRpb24tZXRoaWNzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MjgyJmVtYz1lZGl0X3RlXzIwMjMwMjA4Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTg0ODAyJm5sPXRoZS1ldGhpY2lzdCZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTI0NzUyJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpj4WPV42NLwRfEUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [THE ETHICIST Must I Donate a Kidney to My Awful Brother? The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on what you owe to a sibling who didn’t treat you right and how to handle a potential bullying situation at your child’s school. By Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlxlpjP0TfaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wMS8xMS9tYWdhemluZS9raWRuZXktZG9uYXRpb24tZXRoaWNzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MjgyJmVtYz1lZGl0X3RlXzIwMjMwMjA4Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTg0ODAyJm5sPXRoZS1ldGhpY2lzdCZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTI0NzUyJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpj4WPV42NLwRfEUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) Readers Respond The previous newsletter featured a question about a stepfather who was refusing to help pay college tuition for the child of his wife, the letter writer. On her income alone, the Ivy League university would have been free thanks to generous financial aid policies. But because of her husband’s $150,000 salary, the school required some tuition payment. She wrote: “[My husband] says it’s my responsibility. So now I’m working 12-to-15-hour days to try to pay for tuition. Is this grounds for divorce?” In his response, the Ethicist noted: “To state the obvious, your husband’s response to your financial difficulties doesn’t seem to be that of a loving partner or, indeed, a kind human being. … It might be worth exploring why he’s refusing to act as a parent to his stepchildren, and whether he appreciates the emotional consequences of his tightfisted ways. In marriage, a burden spurned is a burden doubled.” (Reread the full question and answer [here](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlxlpjP0ToaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wMi8wNi9tYWdhemluZS90dWl0aW9uLWZpbmFuY2VzLWRpdm9yY2UtZXRoaWNzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MjgyJmVtYz1lZGl0X3RlXzIwMjMwMjA4Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTg0ODAyJm5sPXRoZS1ldGhpY2lzdCZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTI0NzUyJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpj4WPV42NLwRfEUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~).) ⬥ Yes, the stepfather isn’t being fair, but the system isn’t fair either. When my son was entering university, the school had a session on financial aid. The first thing they said was, “If you are divorced, don’t get married until your child graduates. If you do, they will probably lose their financial aid due to the addition of the stepparent’s income to yours.” — Ann ⬥ While it would be nice if the letter writer’s husband paid some of her kids’ tuition, he is under no obligation to do so. They are, after all, her kids — not his. And if these kids have ignored him or showed that they did not like him, why should he pay for their tuition? — Judith ⬥ If this husband believes each partner is responsible for their own problems, this is not a marriage. If the wife is expected to contribute but the husband is not, this is not a marriage. The wife should consider what their relationship actually is. — Grace ⬥ I feel for the mother who wants her husband to be a partner in supporting her children through their college years. I do wonder if the husband was a partner in the planning for college though. It could be that he is not comfortable spending this much on college costs but would have supported their tuition at a less expensive school. — Megan ⬥ We are a blended family with three (now adult) children. When our oldest son was accepted at Cornell, imagine our surprise to find that all four parents’ incomes counted in our financial “package” — my income, my husband’s, my ex-husband’s and his wife’s. This was ridiculous to me, but we made it work nonetheless. My husband and I shared the same values for our three children; his daughter is a bonus child to me, as are my two sons to him. — Dorothy Enjoying this newsletter? Subscribe to keep receiving it. We’ve reserved a selection of newsletters, including this one, for Times subscribers. Subscriber support ensures that we have the resources to deliver original, quality journalism in every form — including our newsletters. 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