The Ethicist: My husband won’t help pay for tuition. Should I divorce him?

His income means less financial aid. 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[Author Headshot](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlwRRVP0TDaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vY29sdW1uL3RoZS1ldGhpY2lzdD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0yODImZW1jPWVkaXRfdGVfMjAyMzAyMDQmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9ODQ1NTMmbmw9dGhlLWV0aGljaXN0JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMjQ0NTMmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmPSVY_eY_pazqZSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) By [Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlwRRVP0TDaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vY29sdW1uL3RoZS1ldGhpY2lzdD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0yODImZW1jPWVkaXRfdGVfMjAyMzAyMDQmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9ODQ1NTMmbmw9dGhlLWV0aGljaXN0JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMjQ0NTMmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmPSVY_eY_pazqZSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) Illustration by Tomi Um Today, The New York Times Magazine’s Ethicist columnist answers a reader’s question about how to navigate tensions around finances with a spouse. My Husband Won’t Help Pay for My Kids’ Tuition. Should I Divorce Him? The younger two of my three children are currently enrolled in universities. They both have jobs and support their living expenses on campus. I left their father when all three were all under the age of 5 because he physically abused them. (Their father has had his paychecks garnished because he refuses to pay child support, but because he hides his money, the garnishment typically results in only $600 to $2,000 per year.) I remarried when the children were between the ages of 8 and 10. Their stepfather is a kind man and makes more than twice as much money as I do. Here is the query: At the Ivy League university that one of my children attends, tuition is completely free if the parents make under $100,000. I make $60,000. However, the university insists that the stepfather’s income is counted in the annual income, and my husband makes $150,000. But he refuses to pay any of the tuition or related costs (which come to $80,000 a year); he says it’s my responsibility. So now I’m working 12-to-15-hour days to try to pay for tuition. The children receive some scholarship money, but you can imagine how infuriated I am. Is this grounds for divorce? — Name Withheld From the Ethicist: To state the obvious, your husband’s response to your financial difficulties doesn’t seem to be that of a loving partner or, indeed, a kind human being. Marriage, after all, is meant to involve the sharing of life’s challenges as well as its joys. But are you contemplating a divorce because he’s being a jerk about this or because you think it will leave you better off financially? For financial guidance, you should check with a lawyer about what alimony you can expect (and, of course, the price of actually securing a divorce). Setting up a separate household is itself an expensive business. And that’s to say nothing about the psychological repercussions of a divorce, including on your children. Assuming that this letter expresses your reflective judgment (and not just a flash of anger after a disappointing conversation), I would say that the decision you need to make isn’t centrally about money. If you think the relationship merits salvaging, you should at least ask your husband to consider couples counseling; it might be worth exploring why he’s refusing to act as a parent to his stepchildren, and whether he appreciates the emotional consequences of his tightfisted ways. In marriage, a burden spurned is a burden doubled. Thoughts? If you’d like to share a response to today’s dilemma with the Ethicist and other subscribers in the next newsletter, fill out [this form](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlwRRVP0TaaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wMS8yMC9tYWdhemluZS9ldGhpY2lzdC1jb21tZW50cy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTI4MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF90ZV8yMDIzMDIwNCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD04NDU1MyZubD10aGUtZXRoaWNpc3QmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEyNDQ1MyZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKY9JVj95j-lrOplIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA). FROM THE ARCHIVES Back in 2015, the Ethicist column answered another question about parents and tuition. [[Article Image] Illustration by La Tigre](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlwRRVP4QXAWh0dHBzOi8vd3d3Lm55dGltZXMuY29tLzIwMTUvMDkvMDYvbWFnYXppbmUvY2FuLWktbGllLXRvLW15LWZhdGhlci1hYm91dC1iZWluZy1nYXktc28taGUtd2lsbC1wYXktZm9yLW15LWNvbGxlZ2UtZWR1Y2F0aW9uLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MjgyJmVtYz1lZGl0X3RlXzIwMjMwMjA0Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTg0NTUzJm5sPXRoZS1ldGhpY2lzdCZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTI0NDUzJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpj0lWP3mP6Ws6mUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [THE ETHICISTS Can I Lie to My Father About Being Gay So He Will Pay for My College Education? The ethicists consider whether a son’s need for financial support justifies concealing his sexual orientation. By Kwame Anthony Appiah, Amy Bloom and Kenji Yoshino](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlwRRVP4QXAWh0dHBzOi8vd3d3Lm55dGltZXMuY29tLzIwMTUvMDkvMDYvbWFnYXppbmUvY2FuLWktbGllLXRvLW15LWZhdGhlci1hYm91dC1iZWluZy1nYXktc28taGUtd2lsbC1wYXktZm9yLW15LWNvbGxlZ2UtZWR1Y2F0aW9uLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MjgyJmVtYz1lZGl0X3RlXzIwMjMwMjA0Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTg0NTUzJm5sPXRoZS1ldGhpY2lzdCZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTI0NDUzJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpj0lWP3mP6Ws6mUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) Readers Respond The previous newsletter’s question was from a man who had starkly different political and religious beliefs from his longtime best friend, and was reluctant to discuss those topics with him. He wrote: “I am afraid, however, that writing about issues such as science and politics might open rifts that might be difficult to bridge. … But shouldn’t real friendship be able to transcend this problem?” In his response, the Ethicist noted: “Whether a friendship can survive deep disagreements depends on how the friends are able to address them. … Given that the exchange of thoughts and concerns is at the heart of your friendship, this is a risk worth taking.” (Reread the full question and answer [here](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlwRRVP0TeaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wMS8zMC9tYWdhemluZS9zY2FtLXBhcmVudGluZy1ldGhpY3MuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0yODImZW1jPWVkaXRfdGVfMjAyMzAyMDQmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9ODQ1NTMmbmw9dGhlLWV0aGljaXN0JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMjQ0NTMmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmPSVY_eY_pazqZSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~).) ⬥ We often make the mistake of assuming our relationships with others are all or nothing. Maybe this is just the friend he talks to about family and there are other friendships in his life better suited for political debates and discussions. — Sarah ⬥ The Ethicist’s response was appropriate, although I would add that ultimately too many core differences in principles will make that friendship untenable. Unless he would be willing to set aside his values and beliefs, there is little wiggle room. — Susan ⬥ As a Black American, the idea that “being friends” with someone who you believe holds views that are incredibly dangerous to the nation and to people of color is baffling. Just don’t be friends with open bigots. It really is that simple. — Ember ⬥ These two people spent years without contacting each other. Why is it now so important that every aspect of their lives be shared? Why is it not possible to remain friends and just limit their conversations? Probably both individuals feel their beliefs are important; can’t they keep them to themselves? — Barbara ⬥ In such polarized times, I recall the excellent counsel of a mentor who urged inquiry over advocacy, or at least, some balance. He said, “Be curious, not furious!” I’m not as successful as I wish, but I keep trying. — Leslie Enjoying this newsletter? Subscribe to keep receiving it. We’ve reserved a selection of newsletters, including this one, for Times subscribers. Subscriber support ensures that we have the resources to deliver original, quality journalism in every form — including our newsletters. 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