The Ethicist: My best friend and I don’t talk about politics. Should we?

We avoid discussing religion too. 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[Author Headshot](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlvR_vP0TDaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vY29sdW1uL3RoZS1ldGhpY2lzdD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0yODImZW1jPWVkaXRfdGVfMjAyMzAyMDEmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9ODQyMjUmbmw9dGhlLWV0aGljaXN0JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMjQxMDUmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmPT75raYxf20HZSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) By [Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlvR_vP0TDaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vY29sdW1uL3RoZS1ldGhpY2lzdD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0yODImZW1jPWVkaXRfdGVfMjAyMzAyMDEmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9ODQyMjUmbmw9dGhlLWV0aGljaXN0JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMjQxMDUmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmPT75raYxf20HZSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) Illustration by Tomi Um Today, The New York Times Magazine’s Ethicist columnist answers a reader’s question about whether close friendship can exist without discussing political and religious beliefs. My Best Friend and I Don’t Talk About Politics. Should We? Four years ago, after many years with no contact, I finally reconnected with the best man from my wedding, who is probably my longest very good friend. We both worked for the same company in our first jobs after college. Eventually, he relocated to the South while I remained in the North. After we reconnected, we began writing letters to maintain the friendship and to keep each other informed about our lives. We chose to write letters because writing forces you to think a bit before putting pen to paper and it seems to create a more intimate bond between us, much stronger than electronic bits and bytes. I’ve reached a point in my life where I would like to delve into matters beyond family life. I am afraid, however, that writing about issues such as science and politics might open rifts that might be difficult to bridge. At our meeting four years ago, he recounted that he had adopted a literal belief in the Old Testament (something that had definitely not been an issue when our friendship was forming), while I’m a strong believer in science. Given his beliefs, I don’t know how he would view my understanding of evolution and the age of the universe. Further, I happen to know that he is registered with a political party that I believe has become the most significant threat to American democracy ever seen in the life of the country. Because I don’t think he would understand my own beliefs, I have avoided this subject, to the point of avoiding discussing the events of Jan. 6, 2021. Finally, he told me in one of his letters that he prefers to write about religion, a subject in which I, as a lapsed Catholic, have little interest; I would probably have less than positive things to say about organized religions if we did discuss them. My reluctance to expose more of my beliefs makes me feel that I am somehow engaging in patronizing behavior or even lying in a way, hiding my beliefs to maintain our friendship. But shouldn’t real friendship be able to transcend this problem? I am at a loss as to how to proceed. — Name Withheld From the Ethicist: It sounds as if what you’re worried about — straining a friendship you value — is already happening. As you withhold more of your opinions, you’re effectively distancing yourself. Your exchanges seem to be proceeding along a narrowing aperture, tightened by the consciousness of all the topics you’re afraid to broach. Your friend may feel similarly. Why not write a letter telling him that you clearly have beliefs and values that are at odds with his and that you want to find ways of discussing these things in an open-minded and respectful way while maintaining a meaningful friendship? Whether a friendship can survive deep disagreements depends on how the friends are able to address them. I get the sense that you’re worried not just about how he would react to your views; you’re also worried about how you would react to his. Perhaps you can’t imagine seriously entertaining his political opinions. You’ve already conveyed your distaste for the subject of religion. (I, like you, am a lapsed Christian, but I confess I can find conversations about theological matters intellectually gripping, even when they presuppose beliefs I no longer share.) Still, the result of your apprehension is that you’re keeping out of your letters a discussion of questions that genuinely interest you. The friendship that you’ve enjoyed might or might not survive an exchange in which you took on some of each other’s worldly and otherworldly views. If the friendship were to falter, it was a relationship between two people who couldn’t take each other whole, as each of you really is. If it survives, your exchanges could prove truly rewarding, even if all they lead to is a deepened understanding of your respective positions. Given that the exchange of thoughts and concerns is at the heart of your friendship, this is a risk worth taking. Thoughts? If you’d like to share a response to today’s dilemma with the Ethicist and other subscribers in the next newsletter, fill out [this form](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlvR_vP0TaaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wMS8yMC9tYWdhemluZS9ldGhpY2lzdC1jb21tZW50cy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTI4MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF90ZV8yMDIzMDIwMSZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD04NDIyNSZubD10aGUtZXRoaWNpc3QmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEyNDEwNSZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKY9PvmtpjF_bQdlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA). FROM THE ARCHIVES Back in 2021, the Ethicist answered a similar question about navigating a friendship across political difference. [[Article Image] Tomi Um](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlvR_vP0TdaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8wNi8yMi9tYWdhemluZS9jb25zZXJ2YXRpdmUtZnJpZW5kcy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTI4MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF90ZV8yMDIzMDIwMSZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD04NDIyNSZubD10aGUtZXRoaWNpc3QmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEyNDEwNSZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKY9PvmtpjF_bQdlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [THE ETHICIST Should I Hang Out With Someone Whose Political Views I Hate? The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on whether it’s hypocritical for a liberal to socialize with an increasingly extreme conservative. By Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlvR_vP0TdaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8wNi8yMi9tYWdhemluZS9jb25zZXJ2YXRpdmUtZnJpZW5kcy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTI4MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF90ZV8yMDIzMDIwMSZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD04NDIyNSZubD10aGUtZXRoaWNpc3QmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEyNDEwNSZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKY9PvmtpjF_bQdlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) Readers Respond Last week’s question was from two parents concerned about sending their child to a sleepover in the home of a couple that were infamous for their scams and illegal business dealings. The parents wrote: “Morally bankrupt people are not the kind of people we want our children to be around nor do we want to associate with them ourselves. We have this nagging feeling, however, that it’s not fair to penalize children for their parents’ poor behavior. Should we let the children hang out?” In his response, the Ethicist noted: “Your worry about penalizing the offspring of these miscreants is well founded. At the same time, your duties to your own child do take precedence over your concerns for the children of others.” (Reread the full question and answer [here](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlvR_vP0TeaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wMS8zMC9tYWdhemluZS9zY2FtLXBhcmVudGluZy1ldGhpY3MuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0yODImZW1jPWVkaXRfdGVfMjAyMzAyMDEmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9ODQyMjUmbmw9dGhlLWV0aGljaXN0JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMjQxMDUmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmPT75raYxf20HZSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~).) ⬥ We had a situation like this in my community. I found that the “it takes a village” mantra made sense with regard to the other kids. They had enough on their plate; they didn’t need more stress from the community. The parents I ignored. — Maureen ⬥ I agree with the Ethicist’s response, to a point. It is morally appropriate to protect one’s child from a harmful environment. I disagree, however, that the parents need to give any explanation at all. One is free to put up a boundary without explanation, especially to a stranger. — Ann ⬥ Nay, nay. For how many generations are the children going to be shunned because of the actions of the parents? Allow the sleepover and any other socializing. Discuss with your child the parents’ wrongdoing if you think it’s necessary. — Katrina ⬥ Regarding whether or not to allow a child to sleepover at a home where parents may have engaged in criminal activity, responsible conduct toward one’s own child requires first meeting the parents and visiting the home before accepting such an invitation. — Laurel ⬥ I wouldn’t get involved with any financial dealings with the couple, but your “morally bankrupt” comment is unnecessarily judgmental. Let bygones be bygones, and let the kid go and enjoy. — Theresa Enjoying this newsletter? Subscribe to keep receiving it. We’ve reserved a selection of newsletters, including this one, for Times subscribers. Subscriber support ensures that we have the resources to deliver original, quality journalism in every form — including our newsletters. [Subscribe to The Times](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlvR_vP0TNaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vc3Vic2NyaXB0aW9uP2NhbXBhaWduSWQ9OEhMS0gmY2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MjgyJmVtYz1lZGl0X3RlXzIwMjMwMjAxJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTg0MjI1Jm5sPXRoZS1ldGhpY2lzdCZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTI0MTA1JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpj0--a2mMX9tB2Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) to continue receiving this newsletter once your complimentary access ends. Need help? 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