The Ethicist: They ran an illegal scam. Do we let our child go to their home?

We already said yes to a sleepover. 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[Author Headshot](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlt6-PP0TDaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vY29sdW1uL3RoZS1ldGhpY2lzdD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0yODImZW1jPWVkaXRfdGVfMjAyMzAxMjgmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9ODM5MTEmbmw9dGhlLWV0aGljaXN0JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMjM3OTgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmPSjyrVY_S5pOVSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) By [Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlt6-PP0TDaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vY29sdW1uL3RoZS1ldGhpY2lzdD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0yODImZW1jPWVkaXRfdGVfMjAyMzAxMjgmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9ODM5MTEmbmw9dGhlLWV0aGljaXN0JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMjM3OTgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmPSjyrVY_S5pOVSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) Illustration by Tomi Um Today, The New York Times Magazine’s Ethicist columnist answers a couple’s question about the kind of company they should let their child be around. They Ran an Illegal Scam. Do We Let Our Child Go to Their Home? Our child was recently invited to a sleepover at a new classmate’s home. With life beginning to return to some pre-Covid normalcy, we hastily accepted this invitation. Realizing that we know nothing about this family, we did an online search of their names. Much to our dismay, there were a lot of articles about both parents, who are now infamous for their unscrupulous and callous illegal business dealings that ultimately led to a multimillion-dollar settlement with our city government. Morally bankrupt people are not the kind of people we want our children to be around nor do we want to associate with them ourselves. We have this nagging feeling, however, that it’s not fair to penalize children for their parents’ poor behavior. Should we let the children hang out? How much do we share with our own child, who is old enough to understand why their behavior is unacceptable? — Name Withheld From the Ethicist: The recognition that guilt isn’t a heritable trait is hardly novel; the book of Ezekiel emphatically condemns the proverb that “the fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set at edge.” Your worry about penalizing the offspring of these miscreants is well founded. At the same time, your duties to your own child do take precedence over your concerns for the children of others. In the philosophical literature on “partiality” — the special concern we have toward those with whom we have special relationships — some have argued that it’s morally permissible to give your own children priority. In my view, it isn’t merely permissible; it’s morally obligatory. What you owe to your child is not the same as what you owe to just any child. How do these two considerations play out here? It’s reasonable to avoid the company of people you find morally bankrupt. But when you say that you don’t want your children to be around such people, is it because you think that, in general, odious people like this couple ought to be treated as pariahs? Or does it reflect a narrower judgment that the couple might inculcate bad values or be irresponsible caretakers? If your concerns were the narrower kind, and you wanted to do something for their child, you might consider finding a way to have a playdate at your place. That’s probably what I would be inclined to do. But I suspect you’re guided by a broader sense of opprobrium. There can certainly be social value in shunning wrongdoers, though I should acknowledge that it isn’t a particular strength of mine. When someone I was friendly with in my youth was sent to prison for committing larceny, I was appalled by what he’d done, by his abuse of a community’s trust, but I still visited him behind bars to see that he was OK. Your situation is different, of course; these people are little more to you than a list of wrongdoings. And if you are determined to have nothing to do with these people — a practice that is, to return to our earlier distinction, morally permissible but not obligatory — then you probably won’t want to encourage a friendship between your child and theirs. Children, in these circumstances, can’t be severed from their parents. At this point, you could simply tell the couple that your child won’t be able to come to the sleepover. It’s up to you whether you want to explain why: that you’ve been shaken by what you’ve learned about them. Either way, you will need to think about what your child will then say to their child about what’s happening. Sadly for their child, it’s very unlikely that the actions of the parents will forever remain a secret at school. (And given that the parents’ actions have drawn the attention of both the media and law enforcement, it would be surprising if their child is completely unaware of them.) But you don’t want your child to be the one to spread the news. So you shouldn’t burden your child with information that’s not to be repeated. Don’t say much more than that you’ve read stuff that makes you want to steer clear of these parents. This isn’t the time to inventory and assess their misdeeds. Your child may or may not become friendly with this new classmate; friendships among children aren’t something parents are able to direct, nor should they. But do encourage your child to treat theirs with kindness. Ezekiel got it right: Children shouldn’t “bear the iniquity” of their parents. Thoughts? If you’d like to share a response to today’s dilemma with the Ethicist and other subscribers in the next newsletter, fill out [this form](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlt6-PP0TaaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wMS8yMC9tYWdhemluZS9ldGhpY2lzdC1jb21tZW50cy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTI4MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF90ZV8yMDIzMDEyOCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD04MzkxMSZubD10aGUtZXRoaWNpc3QmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEyMzc5OCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKY9KPKtVj9Lmk5VIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA). FROM THE ARCHIVES Back in 2018, the Ethicist answered another question about how to navigate interactions with unethical peers. [[Article Image] Illustration by Tomi Um](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlt6-PP0T1aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAxOC8xMC8wOS9tYWdhemluZS93aGF0LXNob3VsZC1pLWRvLWFib3V0LW15LWNoZWF0aW5nLWNsYXNzbWF0ZS5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTI4MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF90ZV8yMDIzMDEyOCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD04MzkxMSZubD10aGUtZXRoaWNpc3QmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEyMzc5OCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKY9KPKtVj9Lmk5VIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [THE ETHICIST What Should I Do About My Cheating Classmate? The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on what to do about a cheating classmate, the unintended consequences of corporate blood drives and more. By Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlt6-PP0T1aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAxOC8xMC8wOS9tYWdhemluZS93aGF0LXNob3VsZC1pLWRvLWFib3V0LW15LWNoZWF0aW5nLWNsYXNzbWF0ZS5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTI4MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF90ZV8yMDIzMDEyOCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD04MzkxMSZubD10aGUtZXRoaWNpc3QmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEyMzc5OCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKY9KPKtVj9Lmk5VIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) Readers Respond The previous question was from a letter writer worried that her sister and brother-in-law were fighting too much to adopt a third child. She wrote: “I fear that they are not in a good place to adopt. … I find myself wondering if I should share my concerns with them.” In his response, the Ethicist noted: “The basic issue here is the welfare of a vulnerable child. … Your sister and her husband should indeed be urged to rethink their decision.” (Reread the full question and answer [here](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlt6-PP0TeaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wMS8yMy9tYWdhemluZS9yZWxhdGl2ZXMtcmVudC1ldGhpY3MuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0yODImZW1jPWVkaXRfdGVfMjAyMzAxMjgmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9ODM5MTEmbmw9dGhlLWV0aGljaXN0JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMjM3OTgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmPSjyrVY_S5pOVSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~).) ⬥ The focus should always be on the adoptee. Adoption is, first and foremost, about a child’s need for a loving home and committed, responsible parenting. It should not be about an adult’s “need” to have a child. The letter writer’s sister may not be “crazy,” but proceeding with adoption while her relationship is so actively contentious is selfish. — Bonnie ⬥ I’m curious: Would the response have been the same if this wasn’t about adoption, but about having a third child the traditional way? Would the Ethicist have urged the family to band together and explain to this woman why she’s not qualified to get pregnant? Because in that case, there would not have been a home investigation by presumably qualified social workers. Personally, my take would have been “butt out.” — Jon ⬥ As much as I’d worry about the impact of the couple’s relationship on an adopted child, I wonder what the extended family is doing to help the existing children living with a toxic parental environment. — Andy ⬥ I do not agree with the idea of a family meeting to discuss the best person to speak to the sister. The writer of this letter received the hysterical phone call, and on this alone, she can talk to her sibling, sincerely prompted by a specific and concerning event. Picking a family representative seems to inflate the issue and may seem like an attack. — Greta ⬥ The Ethicist is right that the best interests of the child need to be taken into consideration. My husband and I adopted an infant who is now 24 years old. We did not have the insight to realize that our troubled relationship would impact our daughter the way it did. I love her, she loves us, but I can testify that our stormy relationship impacted her mental health. — Myra Enjoying this newsletter? Subscribe to keep receiving it. We’ve reserved a selection of newsletters, including this one, for Times subscribers. Subscriber support ensures that we have the resources to deliver original, quality journalism in every form — including our newsletters. 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