The Ethicist: I’m worried my sister isn’t ready to adopt. Do I share my concerns?

They are always fighting. 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Twice a week, Kwame Anthony Appiah gives expert advice on life’s trickiest situations and moral dilemmas. For unlimited access to Times journalism and all of our newsletters, [subscribe to The Times.](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRls-VHP0TNaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vc3Vic2NyaXB0aW9uP2NhbXBhaWduSWQ9OEhMS0gmY2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MjgyJmVtYz1lZGl0X3RlXzIwMjMwMTI1Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTgzNjI4Jm5sPXRoZS1ldGhpY2lzdCZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTIzNDc3JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpj0Edg0WO2vtjvUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) If you’re not interested in receiving The Ethicist, you can [manage your email preferences here](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRls-VHP0TCaHR0cHM6Ly9teWFjY291bnQubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vc2VnL3NldHRpbmdzP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTI4MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF90ZV8yMDIzMDEyNSZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD04MzYyOCZubD10aGUtZXRoaWNpc3QmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEyMzQ3NyZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKY9BHYNFjtr7Y71IbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA). [Author Headshot](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRls-VHP0TDaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vY29sdW1uL3RoZS1ldGhpY2lzdD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0yODImZW1jPWVkaXRfdGVfMjAyMzAxMjUmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9ODM2Mjgmbmw9dGhlLWV0aGljaXN0JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMjM0NzcmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmPQR2DRY7a-2O9SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) By [Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRls-VHP0TDaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vY29sdW1uL3RoZS1ldGhpY2lzdD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0yODImZW1jPWVkaXRfdGVfMjAyMzAxMjUmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9ODM2Mjgmbmw9dGhlLWV0aGljaXN0JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMjM0NzcmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmPQR2DRY7a-2O9SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) Illustration by Tomi Um Today, The New York Times Magazine’s Ethicist columnist answers a reader’s question about whether it’s appropriate to intervene in a sibling’s family planning decisions. I’m Worried My Sister Isn’t Ready to Adopt. Do I Share My Concerns? Within the past year, my younger sister and her husband have been going through the process of adopting an infant through a private agency. They were recently approved to adopt and are now in the process of locating a match. Though they have two young biological children, my sister has always envisioned having a larger family and adopting. She and I are very close and share our struggles with each other, and one night last week, she called in hysterics. She and her husband were fighting, and she felt she was “losing her mind” and wondered if they were “crazy” to be adopting. I love my brother-in-law very much and do not judge them for fighting. But they fight often (at least once a week) and end up not speaking to each other. They are in weekly couples counseling, and my sister speaks with a therapist as well. I fear that they are not in a good place to adopt and that the stress that comes with a new baby will not be good for their relationship. I find myself wondering if I should share my concerns with them. Our other family members have similar concerns as well. — Name Withheld From the Ethicist: Adoption agencies in this country are required to conduct a home study, and when a couple are seeking to adopt, the study typically includes an assessment of the relationship. It’s possible that this troubled pair haven’t been entirely forthcoming with the home-study specialist. In the United States, there are many more parents looking to adopt than there are babies in need of adoption; agencies can and should be selective. You worry that the adoption would be bad for your sister and brother-in-law, but the basic issue here is the welfare of a vulnerable child. It isn’t ideal for children to enter a home in which their presence brings further stress to a stormy relationship. Your sister and her husband should indeed be urged to rethink their decision. The most effective approach, though, may be to get the rest of the family aligned on this matter and pick the person you think is best placed to speak for all of you. Thoughts? If you’d like to share a response to today’s dilemma with the Ethicist and other subscribers in the next newsletter, fill out [this form](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRls-VHP0TaaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wMS8yMC9tYWdhemluZS9ldGhpY2lzdC1jb21tZW50cy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTI4MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF90ZV8yMDIzMDEyNSZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD04MzYyOCZubD10aGUtZXRoaWNpc3QmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEyMzQ3NyZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKY9BHYNFjtr7Y71IbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA). FROM THE ARCHIVES Back in 2021, the Ethicist answered another question about whether to intervene in a sibling’s decision regarding adoption. [[Article Image] Illustration by Tomi Um](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRls-VHP0ToaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8xMC8yNi9tYWdhemluZS9hZG9wdGlvbi1jb25maWRlbnRpYWxpdHktZXRoaWNzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MjgyJmVtYz1lZGl0X3RlXzIwMjMwMTI1Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTgzNjI4Jm5sPXRoZS1ldGhpY2lzdCZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTIzNDc3JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpj0Edg0WO2vtjvUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [THE ETHICIST The Son My Sister Placed for Adoption Wants to Find Her. What Should I Do? The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on confidentiality and our claims to know our biological ancestry. By Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRls-VHP0ToaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8xMC8yNi9tYWdhemluZS9hZG9wdGlvbi1jb25maWRlbnRpYWxpdHktZXRoaWNzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MjgyJmVtYz1lZGl0X3RlXzIwMjMwMTI1Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTgzNjI4Jm5sPXRoZS1ldGhpY2lzdCZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTIzNDc3JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpj0Edg0WO2vtjvUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) Readers Respond The previous newsletter featured a question from a man who, along with his husband, had built a luxurious house for his sister-in-law and her husband so the couple and their children could live near them. Now the question of who should pay for the home’s upkeep was causing tension. He wrote: “Am I wrong to insist that my husband’s sister and brother-in-law either maintain the home as a condition of continued occupancy or allow us to sell it, recover the money invested and perhaps provide them with a more limited subsidy?” In his response, the Ethicist noted: “You need to be mindful of the legitimate expectations — and dependencies — that arise from largess. … In aiming to help raise the kids, you effectively took on caregiving responsibilities for the parents too. Those can’t be renegotiated on the fly.” (Reread the full question and answer [here](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRls-VHP0TeaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wMS8yMy9tYWdhemluZS9yZWxhdGl2ZXMtcmVudC1ldGhpY3MuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0yODImZW1jPWVkaXRfdGVfMjAyMzAxMjUmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9ODM2Mjgmbmw9dGhlLWV0aGljaXN0JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMjM0NzcmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmPQR2DRY7a-2O9SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~).) ⬥ Great advice to seek professional help for the sister. Being a part of a nuclear family has responsibilities beyond caring for the children. The couples should each also engage attorneys experienced in family law. A written agreement would clarify expectations and duties. — Daniel ⬥ The Ethicist’s advice is off. This is a no-win situation which has gone on way too long. The ungrateful brother and sister-in-law have had it easy compared to most who pay their own rent or mortgage. I see them as long term freeloaders who need to be given a deadline or a new set of rules. Especially now that the children are grown. — Rose ⬥ This arrangement was dysfunctional from the start. This is about one family enabling another for completely selfish reasons. And as might have been predicted things just went from bad to worse. The well-to-do couple was essentially buying a relationship with the other couple’s children to meet their own needs. — Lowell ⬥ I fully agree with the Ethicist. One further thought: When children become teenagers, they become reclusive from their adult counterparts, although they still need them desperately. They will come back if the adults show them care and concern during their teenage years. — Mary ⬥ Anyone who opens a gifting spigot with a family member, especially one as generous as buying them a house, should both expect and be prepared to continue giving in both large and small ways over the years. Since the writer and his husband can afford to continue their support, they should, and put this entire issue in the rearview mirror as quickly as possible. — Paul Enjoying this newsletter? Subscribe to keep receiving it. We’ve reserved a selection of newsletters, including this one, for Times subscribers. Subscriber support ensures that we have the resources to deliver original, quality journalism in every form — including our newsletters. [Subscribe to The Times](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRls-VHP0TNaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vc3Vic2NyaXB0aW9uP2NhbXBhaWduSWQ9OEhMS0gmY2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MjgyJmVtYz1lZGl0X3RlXzIwMjMwMTI1Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTgzNjI4Jm5sPXRoZS1ldGhpY2lzdCZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTIzNDc3JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpj0Edg0WO2vtjvUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) to continue receiving this newsletter once your complimentary access ends. Need help? 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