My Partner’s Parents Stay With Us Every Weekend. Do I Get a Say?

Visiting us is apparently their only life goal. 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Do I Get a Say? The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on finding compromises when sharing a home. By Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlkqmrP0TuaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMi8yNy9tYWdhemluZS9pbi1sYXdzLWNsZWFuaW5nLWV0aGljcy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIxMjMxJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTgxNTUzJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTIxMjY3JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpjoqsksGMB1VVCUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) I’ve been in a long-term relationship with my partner, who is of Chinese descent. Not long after we began sharing a home, his parents began to come over on weekends; they indicated that their apartment, which is nearby, is noisy on the weekends and they needed relief. I didn’t say at the time that this bothered me. But now they stay with us every weekend, occasionally even during the week, and the frequency has worn me down. Some specific intangibles make things worse. They speak no English, which makes sharing a home stressful. They have no friends and very little money. Visiting us is apparently their only hobby or life goal. They take over the kitchen, making delicious food but not cleaning up in a satisfactory manner. This has, as you might expect, become a sore subject and one that my partner, who said it is common for Chinese parents to visit their offspring, will no longer discuss. But I would like to reach some sort of compromise, even though it seems impossible now that they are a household fixture. Read the Ethicist’s response here. Subscribe Today We hope you’ve enjoyed this newsletter, which is made possible through subscriber support. 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By Robin Kaiser-Schatzlein](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlkqmrP0TsaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMi8yOC9tYWdhemluZS9zYW0tYmFua21hbi1mcmllZC1mdHguaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMTIzMSZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD04MTU1MyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEyMTI2NyZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKY6KrJLBjAdVVQlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [[Article Image] Photo illustration by Ina Jang](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlkqmrP4QEAWh0dHBzOi8vd3d3Lm55dGltZXMuY29tLzIwMjIvMTIvMjkvbWFnYXppbmUvaW1tdW5lLXRocm9tYm9jeXRvcGVuaWEtaXRwLWNhdC1zY3JhdGNoLWZldmVyLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjEyMzEmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9ODE1NTMmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMjEyNjcmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmOiqySwYwHVVUJSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [DIAGNOSIS He Had Blood in His Urine and a Strange Rash. What Was Going On? At the E.R., the patient learned his blood wasn’t clotting. His mother had the same condition — but the trigger turned out to be a surprise. By Lisa Sanders, M.D.](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlkqmrP4QEAWh0dHBzOi8vd3d3Lm55dGltZXMuY29tLzIwMjIvMTIvMjkvbWFnYXppbmUvaW1tdW5lLXRocm9tYm9jeXRvcGVuaWEtaXRwLWNhdC1zY3JhdGNoLWZldmVyLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjEyMzEmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9ODE1NTMmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMjEyNjcmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmOiqySwYwHVVUJSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [[Article Image] Illustration by R. O. 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By Laynie Browne and Victoria Chang](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlkqmrP0TkaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMi8yOS9tYWdhemluZS9wb2VtLTAxLTA1LTE2Lmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjEyMzEmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9ODE1NTMmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMjEyNjcmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmOiqySwYwHVVUJSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [[Article Image] Illustration by Louise Zergaeng Pomeroy](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlkqmrP0T1aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMi8yOS9tYWdhemluZS9qdWRnZS1qb2huLWhvZGdtYW4tb24tb3VyLXBhc3QuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMTIzMSZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD04MTU1MyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEyMTI2NyZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKY6KrJLBjAdVVQlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [Judge John Hodgman on Hiding the Broken Parts of Our Past A parent and child disagree about how to display an old family tea set. 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