I’m Supporting My Adult Son. He Just Gave $1,000 to a Homeless Woman.

Nearly half his savings. [View in browser](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlNktIP4Q2AWh0dHBzOi8vbWVzc2FnaW5nLWN1c3RvbS1uZXdzbGV0dGVycy5ueXRpbWVzLmNvbS90ZW1wbGF0ZS9vYWt2Mj9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMTAyMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD03NTE1NSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcHJvZHVjdENvZGU9TUEmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTExMDc1NSZ0ZT0xJnVyaT1ueXQlM0ElMkYlMkZuZXdzbGV0dGVyJTJGN2Q2N2ExNTMtN2Y2OS01NDE1LTg0ZmQtMDhkZTI0NzdmNGQ0JnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKY05IxlNj88udNlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA)|[nytimes.com](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlNktIP0S-aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIxMDIyJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTc1MTU1Jm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTEwNzU1JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpjTkjGU2Pzy502Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~)[Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-ad-marquee) ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlNktIP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTYxOTY2JmxpPU1BJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1NQV8yMDIyMTAyMlcDbnl0QgpjTkjGU2Pzy502Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ [The New York Times Magazine](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlNktIP0TOaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vc2VjdGlvbi9tYWdhemluZT9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMTAyMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD03NTE1NSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTExMDc1NSZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKY05IxlNj88udNlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) October 22, 2022 [[Article Image] Illustration by Tomi Um](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlNktIP0T3aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMC8xOC9tYWdhemluZS9waGlsYW50aHJvcHktZXRoaWNzLWNocmlzdGlhbml0eS5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIxMDIyJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTc1MTU1Jm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTEwNzU1JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpjTkjGU2Pzy502Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [The Ethicist I’m Supporting My Adult Son. He Just Gave $1,000 to a Homeless Woman. The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on when spontaneous generosity affects a family’s finances. By Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlNktIP0T3aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMC8xOC9tYWdhemluZS9waGlsYW50aHJvcHktZXRoaWNzLWNocmlzdGlhbml0eS5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIxMDIyJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTc1MTU1Jm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTEwNzU1JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpjTkjGU2Pzy502Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) I have raised two sons without financial help from their father and recently put the oldest through college. He is now 23 and is working a minimum-wage job. He finds it tedious, but he’s stuck with it while he looks for better opportunities. He lives at home, and I don’t charge him for anything, even though his food, cellphone, car insurance and car-maintenance expenses all add up to substantial sums. I figure he needs to save up funds so that he can eventually become independent and move into his own apartment. (He pays for his gas, work lunches and outings with friends.) His younger brother will start college in two months, so I am preparing for another four years of significant expenses. These costs will strain my budget; although I work full time, I will add weekend hours to my schedule. [Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-universal-0) ADVERTISEMENT ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlNktIP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTYxOTYzJmxpPU1BJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1NQV8yMDIyMTAyMlcDbnl0QgpjTkjGU2Pzy502Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ We live in Los Angeles and frequently witness the sad plight of destitute people living in tents throughout our neighborhood. Recently, my son drove past a homeless woman with two small children and stopped to give her some money. He had no cash and instead got her cellphone number so that he could send her money through a payment app. He gave her $1,000 — nearly half his savings. He described this incident to me at the end of the day and said he knew I would be proud of him, “because you’ve raised me to care about people who have less than us.” Holding back tears of frustration, I said I was proud of him for being such a good-hearted person. And I am proud of his generous spirit; I’m also frustrated that he gave so much of his savings, when he could have either saved up or contributed to the expenses that I struggle to cover for him. I felt that while his behavior was kind, it was also impulsive and irresponsible. I felt too that the money he gave away was not entirely his own; he had it only as a result of me working hard to cover most of his expenses. I know this is the wrong way to feel — when you give something to someone, it’s theirs to do what they want with it, right? [Read the Ethicist’s response here](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlNktIP0T3aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMC8xOC9tYWdhemluZS9waGlsYW50aHJvcHktZXRoaWNzLWNocmlzdGlhbml0eS5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIxMDIyJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTc1MTU1Jm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTEwNzU1JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpjTkjGU2Pzy502Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~). Subscribe Today We hope you’ve enjoyed this newsletter, which is made possible through subscriber support. 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By Eric Kim](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlNktIP0TtaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMC8xOS9tYWdhemluZS9zYWxpc2J1cnktc3RlYWstcmVjaXBlLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjEwMjImaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NzUxNTUmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMTA3NTUmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmNOSMZTY_PLnTZSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [[Article Image] Photo illustration by Mark Weaver](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlNktIP0T7aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMC8xOS9tYWdhemluZS9yb2dlci1mZWRlcmVyLXNlcmVuYS13aWxsaWFtcy1yZXRpcmUuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMTAyMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD03NTE1NSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTExMDc1NSZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKY05IxlNj88udNlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [Screenland Are We Missing Out When Athletes Retire on Top? To witness the humbling of champions — and to see them endure it with dignity and grit — might be one of the great things sports has to teach us. By Elizabeth Nelson](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlNktIP0T7aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMC8xOS9tYWdhemluZS9yb2dlci1mZWRlcmVyLXNlcmVuYS13aWxsaWFtcy1yZXRpcmUuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMTAyMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD03NTE1NSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTExMDc1NSZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKY05IxlNj88udNlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [[Article Image] Illustration by R. O. Blechman](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlNktIP0TyaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMC8yMC9tYWdhemluZS9wb2VtLXRoZS1zb24taWxsLW5ldmVyLWhhdmUuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMTAyMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD03NTE1NSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTExMDc1NSZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKY05IxlNj88udNlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [Poem: The Son I’ll Never Have This poem adroitly explores complex emotions around the speaker’s decision not to have a child. By Mark Wunderlich and Victoria Chang](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlNktIP0TyaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMC8yMC9tYWdhemluZS9wb2VtLXRoZS1zb24taWxsLW5ldmVyLWhhdmUuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMTAyMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD03NTE1NSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTExMDc1NSZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKY05IxlNj88udNlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [[Article Image] Illustration by Louise Zergaeng Pomeroy](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlNktIP0T6aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMC8yMC9tYWdhemluZS9qdWRnZS1qb2huLWhvZGdtYW4tb24tdGhlLWJhYnktZ29hdC5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIxMDIyJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTc1MTU1Jm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTEwNzU1JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpjTkjGU2Pzy502Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [Judge John Hodgman on the Baby Goat A couple is conflicted about letting him be adopted. 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