Opinion Today: The secret that divorced mothers know

Married motherhood is a game no one wins, but it doesn’t have to be. [View in browser](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlJBlUP4QoAWh0dHBzOi8vbWVzc2FnaW5nLWN1c3RvbS1uZXdzbGV0dGVycy5ueXRpbWVzLmNvbS90ZW1wbGF0ZS9vYWt2Mj9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0zOSZlbWM9ZWRpdF90eV8yMDIyMTAwOCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD03NDEyNyZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnByb2R1Y3RDb2RlPVRZJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDk0NDUmdGU9MSZ1cmk9bnl0JTNBJTJGJTJGbmV3c2xldHRlciUyRjYzZTIzNjY0LTgxZTgtNTY2ZS04ZTBhLWVmZDgxZDc4Y2Y1ZSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmM8VJRBY392UvFSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~)|[nytimes.com](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlJBlUP0SwaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTM5JmVtYz1lZGl0X3R5XzIwMjIxMDA4Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTc0MTI3Jm5sPW9waW5pb24tdG9kYXkmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEwOTQ0NSZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYzxUlEFjf3ZS8VIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA)[Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-ad-marquee) ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlJBlUP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTYyMTM5JmxpPVRZJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1UWV8yMDIyMTAwOFcDbnl0QgpjPFSUQWN_dlLxUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ [Read more from Opinion](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlJBlUP0S_aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vc2VjdGlvbi9vcGluaW9uP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTM5JmVtYz1lZGl0X3R5XzIwMjIxMDA4Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTc0MTI3Jm5sPW9waW5pb24tdG9kYXkmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEwOTQ0NSZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYzxUlEFjf3ZS8VIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) October 8, 2022 I feel I’ve become a better mother since my divorce — more patient and fully present when I’m with my kids because I’m less depleted, more fulfilled. David Huang By Amy Shearn If you were a parent during the worst of the pandemic — and probably even if you weren’t — you know that American parents have it hard these days, and that [mothers have it almost impossible](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlJBlUP0TuaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vaW50ZXJhY3RpdmUvMjAyMS8wMi8wNC9wYXJlbnRpbmcvd29ya2luZy1tb21zLWNvcm9uYXZpcnVzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MzkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMjEwMDgmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NzQxMjcmbmw9b3Bpbmlvbi10b2RheSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTA5NDQ1JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpjPFSUQWN_dlLxUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~). But I’m guessing some people might be surprised to hear that mothers who are partnered actually do more housework and child care than mothers who are divorced. The [research bears this out](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlJBlUP0TTaHR0cHM6Ly9saW5rLnNwcmluZ2VyLmNvbS9hcnRpY2xlLzEwLjEwMDcvczEzNTI0LTAxOC0wNjQ3LXg_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MzkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMjEwMDgmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NzQxMjcmbmw9b3Bpbmlvbi10b2RheSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTA5NDQ1JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpjPFSUQWN_dlLxUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~)— or you could just ask any divorced mother who has 50/50 custody, and she’ll probably confirm it. I know because I am one. Three years ago, when I realized I could no longer stay married, I dreaded having to spend any time away from my kids. I wondered if my (and their) quality of life was about to take a nosedive. I assumed living without another adult would be difficult for me, maybe even scary. But as I write in [a guest essay](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlJBlUP0TeaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMC8wOC9vcGluaW9uL21hcnJpZWQtZGl2b3JjZS1wYXJlbnQuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0zOSZlbWM9ZWRpdF90eV8yMDIyMTAwOCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD03NDEyNyZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDk0NDUmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmM8VJRBY392UvFSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) this week, the reality turned out to be quite different. My kids were OK, and it was actually good for them to have time during which they saw their dad parent and manage a household. I no longer felt like I was doing all the parenting and housework all the time (because I finally wasn’t), and having guaranteed, regular time alone restored me. I realized it wasn’t just me: All the divorced women I know are happier post-marriage, in part because, for the first time ever, they feel their ex-husbands are doing their fair share. Of course, I’m not suggesting that every frustrated woman get divorced just so she can score a better work-life balance; even “good” (or neutral) divorces like mine are disruptive, and bad ones can be emotionally devastating. But I do think that heterosexual parents can do a better job of avoiding the traps that lead many mothers to burnout and existential crisis. It might have taken a divorce for me, but it shouldn’t for everyone. READ AMY’S FULL ESSAY HERE [Guest Essay A Cure for the Existential Crisis of Married Motherhood Married heterosexual motherhood in America is a game no one wins. By Amy Shearn](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlJBlUP0TeaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMC8wOC9vcGluaW9uL21hcnJpZWQtZGl2b3JjZS1wYXJlbnQuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0zOSZlbWM9ZWRpdF90eV8yMDIyMTAwOCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD03NDEyNyZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDk0NDUmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmM8VJRBY392UvFSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [Article Image](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlJBlUP0TeaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMC8wOC9vcGluaW9uL21hcnJpZWQtZGl2b3JjZS1wYXJlbnQuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0zOSZlbWM9ZWRpdF90eV8yMDIyMTAwOCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD03NDEyNyZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDk0NDUmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmM8VJRBY392UvFSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-universal-0) ADVERTISEMENT ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlJBlUP0RsaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9NTk3ODUmbGk9VFkmbT1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkNyZwPVRZXzIwMjIxMDA4VwNueXRCCmM8VJRBY392UvFSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~ THE WEEK IN BIG IDEAS [[Article Image] Kevin Frayer/Getty Images](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlJBlUP0TlaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMC8wNi9vcGluaW9uL2NsaW1hdGUtY29hbC1yZW5ld2FibGUtZW5lcmd5Lmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MzkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMjEwMDgmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NzQxMjcmbmw9b3Bpbmlvbi10b2RheSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTA5NDQ1JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpjPFSUQWN_dlLxUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [Guest Essay To Avoid Climate Disaster, One Task Is More Urgent Than Anything Else Nearly 1,000 new coal-fired power plants are planned around the world. 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