Am I Obligated to Look After My Insufferable Mother?

She has been emotionally abusive my entire life. 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The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on not helping family members who make it difficult to help. By Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlI9ZzP0TraHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMC8wNC9tYWdhemluZS9wYXJlbnRhbC1jYXJlLWV0aGljcy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIxMDA4Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTc0MDU5Jm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTA5NDE2JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpjPHNRQWN5h0TjUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) My mother has an undiagnosed mental illness that makes her incapable of accepting reality and that has caused her to be emotionally abusive my entire life. My sister and I have maintained a relationship with her, but with strict boundaries and limited visits. She lives alone in a home she inherited, which is falling apart. She is a hoarder and won’t let in repair people or anyone else for that matter. [Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-universal-0) ADVERTISEMENT ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlI9ZzP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTYxOTYzJmxpPU1BJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1NQV8yMDIyMTAwOFcDbnl0QgpjPHNRQWN5h0TjUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ She is 69 years old, hasn’t seen a doctor or dentist in decades. Her car stopped running long ago, and she walks a mile or two to the supermarket, even in winter. She lives off a meager Social Security income. Her pets are not properly cared for, yet she won’t let me adopt them. What options do my sister and I have as she ages and her living situation deteriorates further? And what obligations do we have toward her? She will never admit anything is wrong with her, and neither of us is willing to let her live with us. She would ruin our lives and our families’ lives. This situation is like a dark cloud looming over our heads. My sister and I are the only ones in her life who can help her, but neither of us can afford to support her financially or otherwise. [Read the Ethicist’s response here](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlI9ZzP0TraHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMC8wNC9tYWdhemluZS9wYXJlbnRhbC1jYXJlLWV0aGljcy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIxMDA4Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTc0MDU5Jm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTA5NDE2JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpjPHNRQWN5h0TjUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~). Subscribe Today We hope you’ve enjoyed this newsletter, which is made possible through subscriber support. 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By Bryan Washington](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlI9ZzP0TwaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMC8wNS9tYWdhemluZS9qYW1haWNhbi1zdGV3LXBlYXMtcmVjaXBlLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjEwMDgmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NzQwNTkmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDk0MTYmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmM8c1FBY3mHRONSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [[Article Image] Photo illustration by Mark Harris](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlI9ZzP4QiAWh0dHBzOi8vd3d3Lm55dGltZXMuY29tLzIwMjIvMTAvMDUvbWFnYXppbmUvdmlyYWwtdmlkZW9zLW9mLXJhdHMtcm9hY2hlcy1hbmQtZ3JpbWUtdGhpcy1pcy1ob3ctbmV3LXlvcmstZmxhdHRlcnMtaXRzZWxmLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjEwMDgmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NzQwNTkmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDk0MTYmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmM8c1FBY3mHRONSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [Screenland Viral Videos of Rats, Roaches and Grime? This Is How New York Flatters Itself New Yorkers still chuckle at videos of the city’s strangeness — but those images have strange edges. By Jody Rosen](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlI9ZzP4QiAWh0dHBzOi8vd3d3Lm55dGltZXMuY29tLzIwMjIvMTAvMDUvbWFnYXppbmUvdmlyYWwtdmlkZW9zLW9mLXJhdHMtcm9hY2hlcy1hbmQtZ3JpbWUtdGhpcy1pcy1ob3ctbmV3LXlvcmstZmxhdHRlcnMtaXRzZWxmLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjEwMDgmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NzQwNTkmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDk0MTYmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmM8c1FBY3mHRONSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [[Article Image] Illustration by Louise Zergaeng Pomeroy](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlI9ZzP0T_aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMC8wNi9tYWdhemluZS9qdWRnZS1qb2huLWhvZGdtYW4tb24tbm90LXdyYXBwaW5nLWdpZnRzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjEwMDgmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NzQwNTkmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDk0MTYmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmM8c1FBY3mHRONSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [Judge John Hodgman on Not Wrapping Gifts Can the right arrangement of couch cushions render an arduous holiday tradition obsolete? By John Hodgman](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlI9ZzP0T_aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMC8wNi9tYWdhemluZS9qdWRnZS1qb2huLWhvZGdtYW4tb24tbm90LXdyYXBwaW5nLWdpZnRzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjEwMDgmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NzQwNTkmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDk0MTYmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmM8c1FBY3mHRONSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [[Article Image] Illustration by R. O. Blechman](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRlI9ZzP0T9aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8xMC8wNi9tYWdhemluZS9wb2VtLWR1cmluZy1hbi1lbmNoYW50bWVudC1pbi10aGUtbGlmZS5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIxMDA4Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTc0MDU5Jm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTA5NDE2JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpjPHNRQWN5h0TjUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [Poem: During an Enchantment in the Life Love poems are difficult to write and to read because they can be clichéd. This poem surrounds the topic of love versus sinking in it. 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