My Birth Father and Siblings Don’t Know I Exist. Should I Contact Them?

I worry about making a selfish decision. [View in browser](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP4Q2AWh0dHBzOi8vbWVzc2FnaW5nLWN1c3RvbS1uZXdzbGV0dGVycy5ueXRpbWVzLmNvbS90ZW1wbGF0ZS9vYWt2Mj9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDgyMCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02OTg0MSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcHJvZHVjdENvZGU9TUEmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEwMTkzOCZ0ZT0xJnVyaT1ueXQlM0ElMkYlMkZuZXdzbGV0dGVyJTJGYzI5NWFjM2ItNjAyNi01NjAyLThjZjctYjJiYzI5NWI1MWRiJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYurFtwBjoPBZvlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA)|[nytimes.com](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0S-aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwODIwJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY5ODQxJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTAxOTM4JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpi6sW3AGOg8Fm-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~)[Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-ad-marquee) ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTYxOTY2JmxpPU1BJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1NQV8yMDIyMDgyMFcDbnl0Qgpi6sW3AGOg8Fm-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ [The New York Times Magazine](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TOaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vc2VjdGlvbi9tYWdhemluZT9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDgyMCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02OTg0MSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEwMTkzOCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYurFtwBjoPBZvlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) August 20, 2022 [[Article Image] Illustration by Tomi Um](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TraHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8xNi9tYWdhemluZS9iaXJ0aC1wYXJlbnRzLWV0aGljcy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwODIwJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY5ODQxJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTAxOTM4JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpi6sW3AGOg8Fm-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [The Ethicist My Birth Father and Siblings Don’t Know I Exist. Should I Contact Them? The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on whether to break the silence with genetic kinfolk or keep quiet. By Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TraHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8xNi9tYWdhemluZS9iaXJ0aC1wYXJlbnRzLWV0aGljcy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwODIwJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY5ODQxJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTAxOTM4JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpi6sW3AGOg8Fm-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) When I was born, 55 years ago, my birth mother decided to deliver me to Catholic Charities so that I could be adopted. I was lucky to be raised by loving and caring people who never hid my adoptive status from me. They made it a routine part of my story — much like having blue eyes or being lactose intolerant. It was part of who I am while still being essentially a mystery: I do not know my family medical history nor what time of day I was born nor (until recently) what genetic relatives I might have. Many years later, things have changed. I obtained a legal copy of my birth certificate with my birth mother’s name. A DNA test turned up a close relative. Conversations with the relative revealed that my birth mother was — and is — deeply ashamed of my birth, given her religious beliefs. Her husband, who is very likely my birth father, has no idea that I exist. Nor do three genetic siblings. [Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-universal-0) ADVERTISEMENT ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTYxOTYzJmxpPU1BJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1NQV8yMDIyMDgyMFcDbnl0Qgpi6sW3AGOg8Fm-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ The relative has spoken of me to my birth mother, and I have been asked to refrain from any further contact with my genetic family; my birth mother never thought I would be able to learn who she was, let alone find any other genetic kin. The fact that I am a gay man also shames her and conflicts with her deeply held religious beliefs. That she placed a son for adoption and that this son is gay are things she wouldn’t want anyone to learn, I’ve been informed. In short, I am torn. I worry about making a selfish decision. If I accede to her wishes, my birth siblings and my father will be denied the chance to decide whether they want to engage with me in any way. I would not push my presence on them, but I feel, in some ways, that they should be able to make the choice to have me as a part (however small or large) of their lives. If I do not accede to her wishes, it feels like a violation of whatever agreement she entered into when she made what was likely a heart-wrenching decision in the late 1960s, a period in which we thought differently as a society about many things. Is contacting my genetic siblings just a selfish, self-justifying unethical act? Or does my silence amount to complicity in keeping information from family members who might want to know? [Read the Ethicist’s response here](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TraHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8xNi9tYWdhemluZS9iaXJ0aC1wYXJlbnRzLWV0aGljcy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwODIwJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY5ODQxJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTAxOTM4JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpi6sW3AGOg8Fm-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~). Subscribe Today We hope you’ve enjoyed this newsletter, which is made possible through subscriber support. [Subscribe to The New York Times with this special offer.](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TaaHR0cDovL3d3dy5ueXRpbWVzLmNvbS9zdWJzY3JpcHRpb24_Y2FtcGFpZ25JZD05OVE5OSZjYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDgyMCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02OTg0MSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEwMTkzOCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYurFtwBjoPBZvlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-universal-1) ADVERTISEMENT ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTM1MzM5JmxpPU1BJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1NQV8yMDIyMDgyMFcDbnl0Qgpi6sW3AGOg8Fm-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ THIS WEEK’S MAGAZINE [[Article Image] Philip Montgomery for The New York Times](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TkaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8xNy9tYWdhemluZS93aWxsaWUtbmVsc29uLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA4MjAmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9Njk4NDEmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDE5MzgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmLqxbcAY6DwWb5SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [Willie Nelson’s Long Encore As he approaches 90, even brushes with death can’t keep him off the road — or dim a late-life creative burst. By Jody Rosen](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TkaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8xNy9tYWdhemluZS93aWxsaWUtbmVsc29uLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA4MjAmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9Njk4NDEmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDE5MzgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmLqxbcAY6DwWb5SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [Article Image](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0T2aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vaW50ZXJhY3RpdmUvMjAyMi8wOC8xNy9tYWdhemluZS90aWt0b2stc291bmRzLW1lbWVzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA4MjAmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9Njk4NDEmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDE5MzgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmLqxbcAY6DwWb5SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [TikTok Audio Memes Are Everywhere. How Do They Work? Welcome to the era of the audio meme, a time when replicable units of sound are a cultural currency as strong as — if not stronger than — images and text. By Charlotte Shane](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0T2aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vaW50ZXJhY3RpdmUvMjAyMi8wOC8xNy9tYWdhemluZS90aWt0b2stc291bmRzLW1lbWVzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA4MjAmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9Njk4NDEmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDE5MzgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmLqxbcAY6DwWb5SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [[Article Image] Peter van Agtmael/Magnum, for The New York Times](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0T0aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8xNS9tYWdhemluZS9hcml6b25hLXJlcHVibGljYW5zLWRlbW9jcmFjeS5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwODIwJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY5ODQxJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTAxOTM4JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpi6sW3AGOg8Fm-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [The Arizona Republican Party’s Anti-Democracy Experiment First, it turned against the establishment. Now it has set its sights on democracy — the principles, the process and even the word itself. By Robert Draper](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0T0aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8xNS9tYWdhemluZS9hcml6b25hLXJlcHVibGljYW5zLWRlbW9jcmFjeS5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwODIwJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY5ODQxJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTAxOTM4JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpi6sW3AGOg8Fm-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [[Article Image] Photo illustration by Bráulio Amado](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP4QDAWh0dHBzOi8vd3d3Lm55dGltZXMuY29tL2ludGVyYWN0aXZlLzIwMjIvMDgvMTUvbWFnYXppbmUvamVubmlmZXItZG91ZG5hLWNyaXNwci1pbnRlcnZpZXcuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDgyMCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02OTg0MSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEwMTkzOCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYurFtwBjoPBZvlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [Talk Her Discovery Changed the World. How Does She Think We Should Use It? “It’s a little scary, quite honestly,” says Dr. Jennifer Doudna, who helped develop CRISPR gene-editing technology. By David Marchese](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP4QDAWh0dHBzOi8vd3d3Lm55dGltZXMuY29tL2ludGVyYWN0aXZlLzIwMjIvMDgvMTUvbWFnYXppbmUvamVubmlmZXItZG91ZG5hLWNyaXNwci1pbnRlcnZpZXcuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDgyMCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02OTg0MSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEwMTkzOCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYurFtwBjoPBZvlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) MORE FROM THE MAGAZINE [[Article Image] Chris Simpson for The New York Times. Food stylist: Maggie Ruggiero. Prop stylist: Sophia Pappas.](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0T6aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8xNy9tYWdhemluZS9zcGFnaGV0dGktYWwtcG9tb2Rvcm8tc3VtbWVyLXJlY2lwZS5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwODIwJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY5ODQxJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTAxOTM4JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpi6sW3AGOg8Fm-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [Late Summer Tomatoes Are Perfect for Spaghetti al Pomodoro The purest distillation of summer umami with just four ingredients. By Eric Kim](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0T6aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8xNy9tYWdhemluZS9zcGFnaGV0dGktYWwtcG9tb2Rvcm8tc3VtbWVyLXJlY2lwZS5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwODIwJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY5ODQxJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTAxOTM4JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpi6sW3AGOg8Fm-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [[Article Image] Illustration by Paola Saliby](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TuaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8xNi9tYWdhemluZS9mYW4tbWFpbC1yZWNvbW1lbmRhdGlvbi5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwODIwJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY5ODQxJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTAxOTM4JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpi6sW3AGOg8Fm-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [Letter of Recommendation The Case for Writing Fan Mail When I’m truly possessed by an artist’s work, I let them know. It’s a way to turn distant admiration into intimacy, even when they don’t reply. By Rachael Bedard](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TuaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8xNi9tYWdhemluZS9mYW4tbWFpbC1yZWNvbW1lbmRhdGlvbi5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwODIwJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY5ODQxJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTAxOTM4JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpi6sW3AGOg8Fm-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [[Article Image] Photo illustration by Ina Jang](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TpaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8xOC9tYWdhemluZS9vcnRob3N0YXRpYy10cmVtb3IuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDgyMCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02OTg0MSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEwMTkzOCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYurFtwBjoPBZvlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [Diagnosis She Couldn’t Stand Still Without Pain. What Was Wrong? Her legs felt heavy, as if her feet were encased in lead. A telltale sound was the key clue in diagnosing her rare disorder. By Lisa Sanders, M.D.](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TpaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8xOC9tYWdhemluZS9vcnRob3N0YXRpYy10cmVtb3IuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDgyMCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02OTg0MSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEwMTkzOCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYurFtwBjoPBZvlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [[Article Image] Photo illustration by Mark Weaver](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TtaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8xNy9tYWdhemluZS9uYXNjYXItY2hpY2Fnby1zdHJlZXRzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA4MjAmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9Njk4NDEmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDE5MzgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmLqxbcAY6DwWb5SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [When the American Dream of the Open Road Hits Traffic NASCAR takes to the streets of Chicago — merging computer-generated fantasy with reality. By Peter C. Baker](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TtaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8xNy9tYWdhemluZS9uYXNjYXItY2hpY2Fnby1zdHJlZXRzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA4MjAmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9Njk4NDEmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDE5MzgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmLqxbcAY6DwWb5SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [[Article Image] Illustration by Louise Zergaeng Pomeroy](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TzaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8xOC9tYWdhemluZS9qdWRnZS1qb2huLWhvZGdtYW4tZWdnLW9yZGVyLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA4MjAmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9Njk4NDEmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDE5MzgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmLqxbcAY6DwWb5SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [Judge John Hodgman on the Egg Order A husband wants his wife to decide how they should be cooked. By John Hodgman](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TzaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8xOC9tYWdhemluZS9qdWRnZS1qb2huLWhvZGdtYW4tZWdnLW9yZGVyLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA4MjAmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9Njk4NDEmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDE5MzgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmLqxbcAY6DwWb5SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [[Article Image] Illustration by R. O. Blechman](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TpaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8xOC9tYWdhemluZS9wb2VtLXNlY29uZC1hdHRhY2suaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDgyMCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02OTg0MSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEwMTkzOCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYurFtwBjoPBZvlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [Poem: Second Attack The syntax in this poem mimics the confusing and untidy emotional landscape of relationships. By Jana Prikryl and Victoria Chang](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TpaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8xOC9tYWdhemluZS9wb2VtLXNlY29uZC1hdHRhY2suaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDgyMCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02OTg0MSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEwMTkzOCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYurFtwBjoPBZvlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) Stay in touch: Follow us on Twitter ([@NYTmag](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TAaHR0cHM6Ly90d2l0dGVyLmNvbS9ueXRtYWc_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA4MjAmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9Njk4NDEmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDE5MzgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmLqxbcAY6DwWb5SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~)) or check us out on [Instagram](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TBaHR0cDovL2luc3RhZ3JhbS5jb20vbnl0bWFnP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwODIwJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY5ODQxJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTAxOTM4JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpi6sW3AGOg8Fm-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~). Appreciated this email? Forward it to a friend and help us grow. Loved a story? Hated it? Write us a letter at magazine@nytimes.com. Did a friend forward this to you? Sign up [here](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TSaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vbmV3c2xldHRlcnMvbWFnYXppbmU_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA4MjAmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9Njk4NDEmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDE5MzgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmLqxbcAY6DwWb5SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) to get the magazine newsletter. Listen to narrated versions of our articles every week. [Download Audm for iPhone or Android](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0S7aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuYXVkbS5jb20vP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwODIwJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY5ODQxJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTAxOTM4JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpi6sW3AGOg8Fm-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~). [Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-tracking_unit-2) Need help? Review our [newsletter help page](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TpaHR0cHM6Ly9oZWxwLm55dGltZXMuY29tL2hjL2VuLXVzL2FydGljbGVzLzM2MDAwMTQ4ODI2Ni1OZXdzbGV0dGVycz9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDgyMCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02OTg0MSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEwMTkzOCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYurFtwBjoPBZvlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) or [contact us](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0ToaHR0cHM6Ly9oZWxwLm55dGltZXMuY29tL2hjL2VuLXVzL2FydGljbGVzLzExNTAxNTM4NTg4Ny1Db250YWN0LXVzP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwODIwJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY5ODQxJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTAxOTM4JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpi6sW3AGOg8Fm-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) for assistance. You received this email because you signed up for The New York Times Magazine from The New York Times. To stop receiving these emails, [unsubscribe](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TZaHR0cHM6Ly9teWFjY291bnQubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vc2VnL3Vuc3Vic2NyaWJlL01BLzcxNmMwZDE5M2JhOTcwYzMzOGI5ODYxYzM4OGNiMDI4NmQxMDYwZGE5NGFkYjY4YTI0MGFlNDQ5MjY5ZDYyYTgzOTA1ZTk2Y2JjZjhmODFkYjY4ZWY5NDUyYTE0MDExYz9lbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDgyMCZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmc2VuZF9pZD0xMDE5MzgmdGU9MVcDbnl0Qgpi6sW3AGOg8Fm-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) or [manage your email preferences](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TDaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vZW1haWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA4MjAmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9Njk4NDEmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDE5MzgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmLqxbcAY6DwWb5SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~). [Subscribe to The Times](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TbaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vc3Vic2NyaXB0aW9uP2NhbXBhaWduSWQ9OVJYNzgmY2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA4MjAmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9Njk4NDEmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDE5MzgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmLqxbcAY6DwWb5SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~)[Get The New York Times app](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TYaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vc2VydmljZXMvbW9iaWxlL2luZGV4Lmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA4MjAmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9Njk4NDEmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDE5MzgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmLqxbcAY6DwWb5SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) Connect with us on: [twitter](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TAaHR0cHM6Ly90d2l0dGVyLmNvbS9ueXRtYWc_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA4MjAmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9Njk4NDEmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDE5MzgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmLqxbcAY6DwWb5SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [instagram](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0THaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuaW5zdGFncmFtLmNvbS9ueXRtYWcvP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwODIwJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY5ODQxJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTAxOTM4JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpi6sW3AGOg8Fm-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [Change Your Email](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TSaHR0cHM6Ly9teWFjY291bnQubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vbWVtL2VtYWlsLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA4MjAmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9Njk4NDEmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDE5MzgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmLqxbcAY6DwWb5SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~)[Privacy Policy](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TzaHR0cDovL3d3dy5ueXRpbWVzLmNvbS9jb250ZW50L2hlbHAvcmlnaHRzL3ByaXZhY3kvcG9saWN5L3ByaXZhY3ktcG9saWN5Lmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA4MjAmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9Njk4NDEmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDE5MzgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmLqxbcAY6DwWb5SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~)[Contact Us](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TaaHR0cHM6Ly9teWFjY291bnQubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vbWVtYmVyY2VudGVyL2hlbHAuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDgyMCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02OTg0MSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEwMTkzOCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYurFtwBjoPBZvlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA)[California Notices](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0TXaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vcHJpdmFjeS9jYWxpZm9ybmlhLW5vdGljZT9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDgyMCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02OTg0MSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEwMTkzOCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYurFtwBjoPBZvlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [LiveIntent Logo](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0ReaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubGl2ZWludGVudC5jb20vcG93ZXJlZC1ieT90ZT0xJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDgyMFcDbnl0Qgpi6sW3AGOg8Fm-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~)[AdChoices Logo](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk4zzFP0ReaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubGl2ZWludGVudC5jb20vYWQtY2hvaWNlcz90ZT0xJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDgyMFcDbnl0Qgpi6sW3AGOg8Fm-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) The New York Times Company. 620 Eighth Avenue New York, NY 10018