Should I Tell My Elderly Turkish Dad His Grandchild Is Trans?

I am so torn. [View in browser](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk2gKYP4Q2AWh0dHBzOi8vbWVzc2FnaW5nLWN1c3RvbS1uZXdzbGV0dGVycy5ueXRpbWVzLmNvbS90ZW1wbGF0ZS9vYWt2Mj9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDgxMyZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02OTIwMyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcHJvZHVjdENvZGU9TUEmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEwMTMwMiZ0ZT0xJnVyaT1ueXQlM0ElMkYlMkZuZXdzbGV0dGVyJTJGNDg5ZmM4ZmUtNWVjNy01YmJjLTk0Y2QtNDRjOWEwMTY4ZGEzJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYuqYffdip5SJ81IbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA)|[nytimes.com](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk2gKYP0S-aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwODEzJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY5MjAzJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTAxMzAyJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpi6ph992KnlInzUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~)[Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-ad-marquee) ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk2gKYP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTYxOTY2JmxpPU1BJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1NQV8yMDIyMDgxM1cDbnl0Qgpi6ph992KnlInzUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ [The New York Times Magazine](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk2gKYP0TOaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vc2VjdGlvbi9tYWdhemluZT9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDgxMyZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02OTIwMyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTEwMTMwMiZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYuqYffdip5SJ81IbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) August 13, 2022 [[Article Image] Illustration by Tomi Um](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk2gKYP0TraHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8wOS9tYWdhemluZS90cmFucy1lbGRlcmx5LWV0aGljcy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwODEzJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY5MjAzJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTAxMzAyJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpi6ph992KnlInzUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [The Ethicist Should I Tell My Elderly Turkish Dad That His Grandchild Is Trans? The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on considerations when delivering news that will be shocking to a loved one. By Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk2gKYP0TraHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8wOS9tYWdhemluZS90cmFucy1lbGRlcmx5LWV0aGljcy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwODEzJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY5MjAzJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTAxMzAyJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpi6ph992KnlInzUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) We have a trans son who came out to us four and a half years ago. At first our focus was on his well-being, because we found out that he was self-harming. Immediately, we found a gender clinic in our area. As we sought to understand the struggles of our child and worked to get him the mental-health services that he needed, other issues started to pop up, like our child’s social transitioning. I am from Turkey, and I am married to a U.S. citizen. We moved to the United States 10 years ago. I come from a Muslim family, but I grew up in Istanbul; my family can be considered modern. I am about to travel to my home country without my husband and children. [Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-universal-0) ADVERTISEMENT ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk2gKYP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTYxOTYzJmxpPU1BJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1NQV8yMDIyMDgxM1cDbnl0Qgpi6ph992KnlInzUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ In the last year, our son began to transition: He had his top surgery this year and started hormones when he turned 18. Everyone in my family knows about his social transitioning — except my father, back home in Turkey. Using my son’s preferred pronouns is not a big deal, because Turkish has neutral pronouns. But now his voice is changing, and he may get a beard soon. My brothers and my mom asked me not to talk to my father about it, as he is a worrier, and he usually cannot sleep at night when he has things on his mind. He is a very healthy 88-year-old, takes daily walks and eats very healthy homemade food, and I know that he will be around for a while still. I am so torn about making him confused and lost if I tell him about our trans son. During my stay, he can talk and ask me questions, but I know it will be a big shock for him. Because of the language barrier, our kids do not speak to him much if he calls, but he sees them on our video calls. So he gets the news about how they are doing only through me. The other option is to wait until we all go back a few years from now and he sees a grandson instead of a granddaughter — and most likely has a heart attack. What should I do? To hide it is to essentially lie to him, but I do not want him to get upset. [Read the Ethicist’s response here](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk2gKYP0TraHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8wOS9tYWdhemluZS90cmFucy1lbGRlcmx5LWV0aGljcy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwODEzJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY5MjAzJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTAxMzAyJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpi6ph992KnlInzUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~). Subscribe Today We hope you’ve enjoyed this newsletter, which is made possible through subscriber support. 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That’s partly by design. By Jason Zengerle](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk2gKYP0TfaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8xMC9tYWdhemluZS9iaWRlbi10di5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwODEzJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY5MjAzJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTAxMzAyJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpi6ph992KnlInzUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [[Article Image] Illustration by R. O. Blechman](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRk2gKYP0TnaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wOC8xMS9tYWdhemluZS9wb2VtLW9hdGgta2VlcGVyLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA4MTMmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NjkyMDMmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xMDEzMDImdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmLqmH33YqeUifNSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [Poem: Oath Keeper The only thing that’s certain in this short work is the uncontainable passion it depicts. 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