My Sister Did Me Wrong in Secret. Should I Tell Her I Know?

She sabotaged me. [View in browser](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkoqNHP4Q1AWh0dHBzOi8vbWVzc2FnaW5nLWN1c3RvbS1uZXdzbGV0dGVycy5ueXRpbWVzLmNvbS90ZW1wbGF0ZS9vYWt2Mj9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDcwMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02NTY2NSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcHJvZHVjdENvZGU9TUEmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTk3NDcxJnRlPTEmdXJpPW55dCUzQSUyRiUyRm5ld3NsZXR0ZXIlMkY3ZGI4ODM0MC1mM2RmLTU3YjAtYWM5Yi02MGJjNmY5ZmRlYjgmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpimEcewGLj0FZ_Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~)|[nytimes.com](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkoqNHP0S9aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwNzAyJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY1NjY1Jm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9OTc0NzEmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmKYRx7AYuPQVn9SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~)[Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-ad-marquee) ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkoqNHP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTYxOTY2JmxpPU1BJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1NQV8yMDIyMDcwMlcDbnl0QgpimEcewGLj0FZ_Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ [The New York Times Magazine](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkoqNHP0TNaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vc2VjdGlvbi9tYWdhemluZT9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDcwMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02NTY2NSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTk3NDcxJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpimEcewGLj0FZ_Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) July 2, 2022 [[Article Image] Illustration by Tomi Um](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkoqNHP0T2aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNi8yOC9tYWdhemluZS9zZWNyZXQtd3JvbmdlZC1yZXNlbnRtZW50LWV0aGljcy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwNzAyJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY1NjY1Jm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9OTc0NzEmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmKYRx7AYuPQVn9SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [The Ethicist My Sister Did Me Wrong in Secret. Should I Tell Her I Know? The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on why we should express resentment when we are wronged. By Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkoqNHP0T2aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNi8yOC9tYWdhemluZS9zZWNyZXQtd3JvbmdlZC1yZXNlbnRtZW50LWV0aGljcy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwNzAyJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY1NjY1Jm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9OTc0NzEmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmKYRx7AYuPQVn9SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) I was the youngest child in a family of three and the only son; my two sisters were one year apart but a decade older than me. When they were young, my father punished them by taking a belt to them. By the time I came around, he had changed his ways. I was almost always treated with kid gloves; he would go out of his way to ensure that he and I never had the permanent falling out that he had with his own father. I also had more opportunities than my sisters, as my parents became more financially stable, and my sisters moved away from home. My eldest sister was always envious, and as the years went by, she sabotaged me by saying things about me that weren’t true. My parents were too conscientious, or passive, to take sides and wanted me to make amends with her, even though I was the one being gaslit. After my mother died, I saw in her journal an entry in which she expressed puzzlement over why my sister treated me so badly (something she never admitted to me while she was alive). [Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-universal-0) ADVERTISEMENT ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkoqNHP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTYxOTYzJmxpPU1BJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1NQV8yMDIyMDcwMlcDbnl0QgpimEcewGLj0FZ_Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ The final act came to my attention several years ago. There was some expense related to my father that my sister didn’t want to pay and wanted him to pay. I happened to be at his house when the item arrived, and I signed for it. Shortly afterward, my sister emailed me to ask if I had the bill of lading. I dutifully scanned it and sent it back to her without any text in the body of the email. A few days later, he died. In those final days, he seemed distant, as if he were nursing a hurt. After his death, I went through his email to cancel subscriptions and services in his name and came across an email that my sister sent to him and my other sister but not to me. It was a forged version of the email that I sent to her with the bill of lading, in which she wrote, pretending to be me, “Can you get Dad to pay this?” She replied, as if she were the hero, “I already paid it.” This was like a knife through my heart. I would never have quibbled over a bill nor have written about him in that manner. In my mind, he died thinking that I had, in this small way, turned my back on him. I also was appalled to think that my sister so treacherously connived to put a final wedge between us. I’ve thought about this nearly every day for years, but I have never confronted my sister about it — have never even let on that I found the forged email. After it happened, I told my other sister what happened and how much it hurt me. Her reply was: “So what? You’re still going to get your share of the inheritance.” Which wasn’t my point at all. [Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-universal-1) ADVERTISEMENT ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkoqNHP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTM1MzM5JmxpPU1BJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1NQV8yMDIyMDcwMlcDbnl0QgpimEcewGLj0FZ_Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ I’ve vacillated between keeping this to myself in order to reveal what I know at some opportune moment or letting her off the hook altogether and continuing to carry this burden. (I should mention that we live far apart and speak once a year, if that.) Is it better to tell her that I know what she did or to take this to my grave? [Read the Ethicist’s response here](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkoqNHP0T2aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNi8yOC9tYWdhemluZS9zZWNyZXQtd3JvbmdlZC1yZXNlbnRtZW50LWV0aGljcy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwNzAyJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY1NjY1Jm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9OTc0NzEmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmKYRx7AYuPQVn9SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~). Subscribe Today We hope you’ve enjoyed this newsletter, which is made possible through subscriber support. 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By Lisa Sanders, M.D.](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkoqNHP4QBAWh0dHBzOi8vd3d3Lm55dGltZXMuY29tLzIwMjIvMDYvMzAvbWFnYXppbmUvcGVyaXBoZXJhbC1uZXVyb3BhdGh5LWFteWxvaWRvc2lzLWRpYWdub3Npcy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwNzAyJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTY1NjY1Jm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9OTc0NzEmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmKYRx7AYuPQVn9SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [[Article Image] Photo illustration by Karl Russell Vickers](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkoqNHP0TlaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNi8yOS9tYWdhemluZS95b3V0dWJlLWNyaXRpY3MuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDcwMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02NTY2NSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTk3NDcxJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpimEcewGLj0FZ_Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [Screenland The Accidental Media Critics of YouTube One of the most popular genres of videos online is to comment on other videos online. Are they comedians or media critics? By Adlan Jackson](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkoqNHP0TlaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNi8yOS9tYWdhemluZS95b3V0dWJlLWNyaXRpY3MuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDcwMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02NTY2NSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTk3NDcxJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpimEcewGLj0FZ_Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [[Article Image] Illustration by Louise Zergaeng Pomeroy](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkoqNHP0T6aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNi8zMC9tYWdhemluZS9qdWRnZS1qb2huLWhvZGdtYW4tZG91Z2hudXQtYmlydGhkYXkuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDcwMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02NTY2NSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTk3NDcxJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpimEcewGLj0FZ_Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [Judge John Hodgman on the Doughnut Birthday A 10-year-old wishes to gorge himself on his special day. By John Hodgman](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkoqNHP0T6aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNi8zMC9tYWdhemluZS9qdWRnZS1qb2huLWhvZGdtYW4tZG91Z2hudXQtYmlydGhkYXkuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDcwMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02NTY2NSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTk3NDcxJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpimEcewGLj0FZ_Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [[Article Image] Illustration by R. O. Blechman](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkoqNHP0T9aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNi8zMC9tYWdhemluZS9wb2VtLWJleW9uZC10aGVpdHktaXR5LWlkaW9tLWRlYXItZmFpdGguaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDcwMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02NTY2NSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTk3NDcxJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpimEcewGLj0FZ_Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [Poem: Beyond Theity, Ity Idiom/Dear Faith A representation of motion rather than meaning. 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