I Promised My Sperm-Donor Anonymity. What Do I Tell My Child?

How do I do the right thing by both? [View in browser](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkWM9dP4Q1AWh0dHBzOi8vbWVzc2FnaW5nLWN1c3RvbS1uZXdzbGV0dGVycy5ueXRpbWVzLmNvbS90ZW1wbGF0ZS9vYWt2Mj9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDUwNyZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02MDY5NiZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcHJvZHVjdENvZGU9TUEmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTkxNTkzJnRlPTEmdXJpPW55dCUzQSUyRiUyRm5ld3NsZXR0ZXIlMkY4OWNjOGMzYS04NDQwLTU0Y2EtOTc4Zi1iZDgwMDZkNWI3ZTImdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpicF1KdmILt1M4Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~)|[nytimes.com](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkWM9dP0S9aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwNTA3Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTYwNjk2Jm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9OTE1OTMmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmJwXUp2Ygu3UzhSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~)[Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-ad-marquee) ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkWM9dP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTYxOTY2JmxpPU1BJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1NQV8yMDIyMDUwN1cDbnl0QgpicF1KdmILt1M4Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ [The New York Times Magazine](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkWM9dP0TNaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vc2VjdGlvbi9tYWdhemluZT9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDUwNyZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02MDY5NiZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTkxNTkzJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpicF1KdmILt1M4Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) May 7, 2022 [[Article Image] Illustration by Tomi Um](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkWM9dP0TyaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNS8wMy9tYWdhemluZS9zcGVybS1kb25vci1hbm9ueW1pdHktZXRoaWNzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA1MDcmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NjA2OTYmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD05MTU5MyZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYnBdSnZiC7dTOFIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [The Ethicist I Promised My Sperm-Donor Anonymity. What Do I Tell My Child? The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on weighing a child’s interest in knowing her father against his desire for privacy. By Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkWM9dP0TyaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNS8wMy9tYWdhemluZS9zcGVybS1kb25vci1hbm9ueW1pdHktZXRoaWNzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA1MDcmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NjA2OTYmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD05MTU5MyZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYnBdSnZiC7dTOFIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) A great friend of mine was the donor for my baby. At some point, I know my daughter will ask about her father, and I’m not sure how I will answer her question. While her biological father supports us in many ways, he doesn’t wish to play a parental role. I want to respect his wishes, as the greatest gift was his donation. If my daughter inquires when she is older and my friend still wishes not to be identified, my plan is to explain that I procured a donor and that that person is anonymous. [Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-0) ADVERTISEMENT ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkWM9dP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTYxOTYzJmxpPU1BJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1NQV8yMDIyMDUwN1cDbnl0QgpicF1KdmILt1M4Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ Am I doing the right thing in disclosing only select information to her? I fear that if I tell her that her father is someone in our lives who wishes to remain anonymous, she will have difficulty understanding. But ultimately my approach may be flawed because DNA testing and Google make it easy for people to find out about their biological parents. How do I do the right thing by both my daughter and my friend? [Read the Ethicist’s response here](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkWM9dP0TyaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNS8wMy9tYWdhemluZS9zcGVybS1kb25vci1hbm9ueW1pdHktZXRoaWNzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA1MDcmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NjA2OTYmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD05MTU5MyZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYnBdSnZiC7dTOFIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA). Subscribe Today We hope you’ve enjoyed this newsletter, which is made possible through subscriber support. 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By Mireille Silcoff](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkWM9dP0T1aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNS8wNC9tYWdhemluZS9jb3VnaC1kcm9wLWFkdmVydGlzaW5nLXBhbmRlbWljLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA1MDcmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NjA2OTYmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD05MTU5MyZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYnBdSnZiC7dTOFIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [[Article Image] Illustration by Dana Robinson](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkWM9dP0TiaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNS8wMy9tYWdhemluZS9kdW1wLWZhc2hpb24uaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDUwNyZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02MDY5NiZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTkxNTkzJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpicF1KdmILt1M4Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [Letter of Recommendation I’m a Fashion Editor, and I Shop at the Dump I used to be ashamed of my secret. But I’m ready to come clean. By Véronique Hyland](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkWM9dP0TiaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNS8wMy9tYWdhemluZS9kdW1wLWZhc2hpb24uaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDUwNyZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02MDY5NiZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTkxNTkzJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpicF1KdmILt1M4Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [[Article Image] Illustration by Radio](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkWM9dP0T1aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNS8wMy9tYWdhemluZS9ob3ctdG8tc3dpbmctb24tdGhlLW1vbmtleS1iYXJzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA1MDcmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NjA2OTYmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD05MTU5MyZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYnBdSnZiC7dTOFIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [Tip How to Swing on the Monkey Bars Trust yourself. Falling is part of the process. By Malia Wollan](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkWM9dP0T1aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNS8wMy9tYWdhemluZS9ob3ctdG8tc3dpbmctb24tdGhlLW1vbmtleS1iYXJzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA1MDcmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NjA2OTYmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD05MTU5MyZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYnBdSnZiC7dTOFIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [[Article Image] Illustration by R. O. Blechman](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkWM9dP0ToaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNS8wNS9tYWdhemluZS9wb2VtLWpvaW50LWN1c3RvZHkuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDUwNyZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02MDY5NiZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTkxNTkzJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpicF1KdmILt1M4Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [Poem: Joint Custody You can always rely on an Ada Limón poem to give you hope. But her poems don’t give us the kind of facile Hallmark hope; her hope is hard-earned. By Ada Limón](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkWM9dP0ToaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNS8wNS9tYWdhemluZS9wb2VtLWpvaW50LWN1c3RvZHkuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDUwNyZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02MDY5NiZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTkxNTkzJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpicF1KdmILt1M4Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [[Article Image] Illustration by Louise Zergaeng Pomeroy](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkWM9dP0T5aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNS8wNS9tYWdhemluZS9qdWRnZS1qb2huLWhvZGdtYW4tb24tcGlja2xlLWxpcXVpZC5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwNTA3Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTYwNjk2Jm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9OTE1OTMmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmJwXUp2Ygu3UzhSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [Judge John Hodgman on Pickle Liquid A couple disagrees on how to store their provisions. By John Hodgman](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkWM9dP0T5aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNS8wNS9tYWdhemluZS9qdWRnZS1qb2huLWhvZGdtYW4tb24tcGlja2xlLWxpcXVpZC5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwNTA3Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTYwNjk2Jm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9OTE1OTMmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmJwXUp2Ygu3UzhSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [[Article Image] Ullstein Bild via Getty Images](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkWM9dP4QIAWh0dHBzOi8vd3d3Lm55dGltZXMuY29tLzIwMjIvMDUvMDUvcG9kY2FzdHMvc3RpbGwtcHJvY2Vzc2luZy1mYXRhbC1hdHRyYWN0aW9uLWVyb3RpYy10aHJpbGxlcnMuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDUwNyZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD02MDY5NiZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTkxNTkzJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpicF1KdmILt1M4Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [Sex, Death and Bunnies In “Fatal Attraction,” the genre-defining 1987 erotic thriller, sex was the engine that moved the plot. It’s rare to see that in movies today. 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